Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I sent a message to my pdoc about the med I went off of. Then I see one of my doctors tommorow and I have to come clean to him about something that may get me into a lot of trouble. Then I might as well come clean to you about my dieting while I'm at it.

Fun week.

...still the underlying anxiety about 'the thing' that i can't seem to completely manage, but i'm getting better at not consciously stressing about it anyway. my heart rate isn't spiking as much as it had been. primary thinks it might be my thyroid issues causing it, so i did blood work yesterday and got the results already this morning (super fast) and my t4 is high. i imagine he will want to change my meds again. hoping it's just that combined with the anxiety and that i'm not going to be off to a cardiologist next.

I was watching Sesame Street with my niece this morning and you're not even to be lying when you say you'd rather have me watch that than CNN.

Now I'm worried you have found me on this site. You haven't replied to my email. You did say you'd be busy though with stuff and may not answer. The stuff I've said on here is pretty fireable stuff though.

Dr. P,
Super afraid to find out when my next appointment with you is. I'm afraid to see you after my last appointment. I am deeply ashamed of the events that took place prior to the appointment, in your office, and especially after I ran out. I look like a wreck, and I don't want you to see me and think that's representative of my mental health.
Although I want to get to the bottom of these tactile hallucinations. They are not fun to say the least.

Dr. S - you replied. It was a good reply,. My head knows and can accept. My heart hurts too much for the waiting. I want to reply - to have a dialog with you. I want to never reply and somehow stop the hurting. Somehow help the memories of you drift to the back of my mind and possibly even out. There are moments I wish we'd never met - and in those same moments; I'm pretty sure I would not be alive if we hadn't met. Not where I was when we met. Now I'm alive.... I'm still not living. And maybe that is because I am trying to 'define' living or aliveness and there really isn't a single definition or way to distinguish the emotions of living from emotionally surviving. How does one get to feel the warmth of loving and lightness - when it feels so much pain.

Hey L. Something I sure wish is that you and your fellow t's had a better understanding of just how attached we can become to y'all, and how painful that can be. It makes me think that some of you have never felt this particular pain despite doing your own therapy, so you really don't know even though you try to say you understand.

Dear T,

So that was a very heavy, morbid session. It felt connecting though. And I sure hope this wouldn't come up anytime in the foreseeable future (like the next, say, 10 years). But it's good to know that, as a client, I'd be informed about your funeral and welcome to attend.

Also, as you could tell, I'm sad you'll be moving offices in the summer. Pick someplace good, OK? And not much further from me, though you said it might actually be closer (but I'm still not sure you completely understand where I live). I suppose it helps that you own a home in the area, as it wouldn't make sense for you to get an office like an hour away.

Love you,
LT

oh LT i can't even imagine having a discussion like that with L!! She has always said she plans to still be working when she's 100 (she's 73 now).

(eta oops just noticed where this was posted, hope you don't mind a comment.)

It's OK to respond! And yeah, it was pretty intense (also talking about other deaths and funerals).

What's weird is that he said that if something happened to him, the email announcing it would come from his regular account (via his wife sending it). I wonder if he has a draft saved or something? But now I feel I'll panic if I get an unexpected email from him with a weird subject line (like "Update" or something). I asked if it was possible to have his backup T, R, inform me instead, but he seemed unsure. He said she would be notified, too, and he figured I would reach out to her to talk.

And Dr. T is 20 years younger than L. But you never know... I hope they'll both still be working when they're 100! Or at least still around and of sound mind and body. (Though...I hope I'm not still seeing Dr. T if he works that long, as that would be like 50+ years! He'd get a very nice anniversary gift then...)

L, I just stumbled upon an interesting quote from Simone Weil: "Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached." from Gravity and Grace

this is so interesting to me. I might have to read that book.

Would you mind if I began tomorrow's session with a four letter word?


I feel like it might be necessary to clear my throat.


Quite a week...

Sorry if I look like crap today and that I've mostly just had oatmilk and not much else to eat or drink. Things are not excatly going good with my family and its the 17th aniversary of my Grandmas death today. I have clean clothes on at least.

41 days since I saw you last; almost 6 weeks. There's been 2 emails in there. The waiting for a reply on the 2nd one was damaging to my calm. I thought I was more prepared than what my heart was. I'm sure I will email you again, even though you are doing a good job at being polite and being redirective. That hurts some too. I don't know if I will ever not love you. The feelings were real/are real the who... is a questionable illusion. When my dad came up on Facebook, it was hard and hurt. Then the thought of my mom coming up and I thought of my mother's image and my connection to you. The 2 blend -- which I believe was purposeful. I almost feel that seeing Dr. H and Dr. P might provide a where bridge - especially if I get to continue to have some connection to you or if pDoc or OT can somehow fill that role. Dr. P completely represents the stricter embodiment of my father while Dr. H has more of a mothering feel while still being cismale. I don't know - maybe it is all a bunch of hogwash - a con. It has started to feel like a con. Yet, my inner world is different, the changes were interrupted and I am very angry about that. And between everything - doing what is best for the now may not be best for the tomorrow. So I am gathering data to make some decisions.

41 days down and a long time to go. And I think you might be right in that I won't want to go back to seeing you if/when that becomes an option. One will have to see - when and what is occuring at that time.

Its kind of annoying that you had yet again another emergency. Its becoming so predictable my mom said that I "called that one." Since I had a feeling you'd switch to remote today. I didn't even bother showering today because you do this so often. I had errands to run after the session that are near the office so I am pretty annoyed.

Trigger for religion/spirituality.

Found out this morning that someone I went to school with died yesterday.
Reconnected on social media four years ago after he sent me a friend request.

Never asked him what prompted that...

That was the first time I ever got mad at you. But I'm glad we worked it out.

I'm not sure what happened, but I've remembered 2 dreams a night for the last 2 nights. It seems my dream drought has ended. (One of them made me scream myself awake, but whatever at least I remembered it!)

You better not push me into going because I am being told its a good idea for me not to go. So just stfu about being pushy because you have no clue what the situation is.

ED TW

T,
Haven't had a legit therapy session in over a month. Well, longer because lack of sobriety and your frustration with that, but yeah. Then there was the hospital thing, and the crisis center and shelter bouncing, and then the scabies check you had me do, and last week you just completely blowing me off for a phone call, that was nice. Meanwhile the peer support person saying you'll be right in, you'll be right in, tells me with the ED eating just spinach, greek yogurt, and pb that she should consider a specific diet...

Fk the sweats. This week with you and J I'm going to "display" my 16.7 bmi so you can determine for yourself if I need to be taken seriously or not. Because it seems like I don't have to be. Last pdoc appointment I wasn't weighed because it was a replacement pdoc and next pdoc appointment is a phone call, so... this is what I got for "proof" because apparently I have to prove that I am struggling. All the freakin' time while I was in a binge/purge cycle it was "you're not losing weight so things are okay." I'm eating like 15,000 calories a day, do you expect me to lose weight even if I'm doing the hurly swirly after!!!!????

And I can't stop. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I bounce off the walls. I'm go go go. I'm starting to believe my dad when he says he's a psychopath and I sooooooo badly want to go down, and, uh, get revenge for the things he did to me, my pets, and my mom. I know you won't tell me that's a bad idea because that's not your style, you'll just ask me if I think that's a good idea, and for my own hedonistic purposes it does I'll sleep when I'm dead, my friend

And when tf was anyone going to tell me I had adhd? lol. I know no one wants to treat me for it in any way, but I swear to fking God that's why this therapy shyt isn't working out for me. Do you expect it to when I. can't. focus. and I'm constantly interrupting what you're saying? And I can't remember much to bring into therapy and I don't remember much coming out of it? I'll take notes. Oh, wait, tried that. Forgot to take notes. Every. Time. Why is it not that hard to bring a notebook and a pen (well...) but saying "hold tf up" and taking it out and actually writing shyt down is like climbing K2 in your birthday suit?

Gonna write an actual ******* letter and bring it to you because I am pisssed. I am pissed about being pissed. I want to sleep like 5 hours for a few nights in a row, a solid 5. With REM sleep and everything. Sure, it's the end of the world, but, no, I don't feel fine.

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Wow that felt good. Watch it's going to be edited and I'm going to feel censored and be triggered my prob, not anyone else's.

I want to be a hypocrite so badly right now. But I know I cant

I was actually happy today.

Trying to find the words has that sense of ripping the plaster/band aid off.

I want to but I can't seem to get there.

The new thread is here: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII