Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

Thanks, Velcro. Yeah, it feels like he's just kind of doubling down. Like, "Well, I don't think you can do this, so that's why I said it."

I feel similarly about the rest of the email. Like I'm not angry about it or really upset with him. Just sort of "meh."

I would say I shouldn't have sent it, but it does set us up for some discussion tomorrow (for one part, he actually said "let's discuss this more tomorrow"). And I likely would have just avoided some of this stuff had I not emailed. Then it would have built up in my mind while he's away next week.

Were you able to get any sleep last night? I hope the MRI today gives some answers (though I imagine you won't get results right away).

I'm sorry but I'm so annoyed at him. Walking 3.3 miles daily is not 330 miles . It is 100% possible for you. I did it this morning on the treadmill at the gym. I had my speed set on low on average 3mph and still did it in under 100 mins.

Why does he get to decide what is possible for you?

You deserve someone who will automatically say "awww amazing" or "fantastic!" not fill your head with doubt. You don't have to be an athlete to get it done.

I did have a session with Fin today, but I didn't want to talk about the shame so we talked about other stuff. He said it was okay to go at my pace.

I can see where someone might think that going from nothing to something every day might be a bit much. Walking 3 miles a day is not that far or strenuous but to do it daily would mean being committed to finding an hour a day to do it = perhaps that is where the reluctance comes in - the idea that in a week or so it will become a problem to find time to do it and then fretting over quitting etc comes in to play.

The challenge doesn't have to be done perfectly though. There might be days where you might not do the full steps but you can do more on another day. Getting moving and even doing 21/31 days is still better then nothing.

How I walked over 100 miles in January and how it helped my wellbeing - She Gets Around

Thanks for sharing this!

If someone can handle it not being perfect then okay. If someone will be upset if not completed- then an issue. I can see where that guy might be concerned about such in this situation. Is the goal to finish the challenge or learn that not perfection can be tolerated?

Yes, it is a lot, and I imagine some days, I will struggle to find the time. Or if I'm sick or injured. It sounds like it's acceptable to count daily steps of regular life converted to miles toward the goal. I announced on my fundraising page that I'll be doing that, though I'm pretty sure there's not going to be some sort of walking audit.

Plus they said we could start now to get a head start (it's by April 30 rather than 30 days). So I just returned from a 1.67 mile walk, which isn't too much, but it's something. I didn't let construction blocking the route I wanted to take stop me either (they wouldn't let me walk past, so I had to turn around).

And if I'm not able to do it, like I get halfway through the month, and I'm only at 22 miles, then I think there's still value in my trying to do what I can and accepting that, not beating myself up. Which is something that, in theory, Dr. T (or another therapist) could help with. Or that I could help myself with.

This is something that I need to work on, learning that it's OK to not be perfect, to start something and not finish it and not beat myself up over it. Maybe I can talk to him about reframing it as that and helping me celebrate whatever I *can* do (as long as I make some sort of effort, that is).

I'm not sure what to say in therapy today. These are always weird days for me when I don't know what to say. I guess this will be a good test to see how well New T does when I'm like, "Um....."

Hugs, Kit. Is there a topic from last time (or another session) that feels unfinished? Sometimes, I'll start there. Or just tell her "I'm not sure what to talk about" and see where she goes with it. Hope it's helpful!

Thanks for the hugs LT. It's just hard when I have intense emotions at a different part of the week and then am emotionless or apathetic or something on the day of the appointment because it is hard to recall how that was and how it was affecting me. I wish I could have therapy when I need it instead of on the day it is scheduled!

HUGS, Kit.

I'm not sure whether you've mentioned it before, but do you journal?
I know what you mean about being unable to access the emotions in session.
I've found it very useful to be able to lean on my journals when speaking to R after the fact.

Just a thought - I know there are phone apps you could use if writing by hand is difficult.

good suggestion, Lost. I've been doing that very thing - writing pretty much every day as if I'm talking to L, and then bringing the writings in with me for reminders. Last week, I just read them verbatim because I wasn't so much "in" the feelings anymore and it was easier to just read 'em to her rather than try to remember how I was feeling when thinking about the stuff.

Thank you Lost.

I do try to journal some. Some weeks I am better at it than other weeks. This week I wasn't so good at it.

It wasn't a great session. There was nothing wrong per se, but I was quiet and I feel like she just sort of filled the silence instead of helping me process anything. I'm a bit disappointed to be honest.

Some sessions can feel like an anticlimax. Especially when thoughts and feelings have been ultra heightened during the week. You spend days anticipating the session and what you intend to say, and when it arrives, particularly if you're in a different headspace, everything feels rather flat. It can be disappointing and a bit of a letdown. That's when having some notes or a journal to refer to can help. You might not be in the same emotional state, but you can talk about what was going on for you at the time when you wrote it. Sometimes it can help to have that distance, gives you a different perspective.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

I'm sorry it wasn't that helpful, Kit.

I know what you mean, too, about a session not being great, but also nothing clearly seeming "wrong" about it. Where it just sort of happened. Then it's over until the next one.

This. You’re absolutely right. ALL the value is in the setting of goals, trying to push yourself (even if you fall short of the overall) and in the satisfaction and health benefits of increasing your fitness and activity...regardless of whether you walk an extra 100 miles or 10 miles. Hopefully you can be proud of yourself for any increase over your normal. And the fundraising challenge can serve as fun accountability and motivation...rather than a “test” to be aced or failed. It doesn’t have to be so black and white. And you don’t have to place judgement on the outcome (or on yourself). Have fun with it!

What’s the saying….that goes something like “It’s not the destination but the journey that matters”. Was that an Emerson quote? Anyway, I like it.

Thanks, Inky, this helps to read. The irony is that my T says *I* tend to be too black and white about things. It seems in this case, he is as well.

I am playing with kava these days. I like making it more than drinking it

Is that that mushroom drink?

No wait thats kachava.

I have never tried kachava. Kava you have to beat and massage for a bit to prepare it.

@Una did your pharmacy sort out your insulin issues?

Yes thanks! They said it was a new guy who just didnt submit it to insurance. It was a real murphys law this month, one thing after another.

I can't even with Dr. T sometimes. In talking about the walking challenge, he said, first, that he was surprised I was so bothered by his reaction. I said how friends/my H were supportive of me, like everyone but him. He said he felt he had to react that way as my therapist, to let me know if he thought I was taking on more than I could manage and setting myself up for failure (or something like that).

He said it would be different if I were a friend. That then he'd tell the friend, "That's great, you can do it!" Then say to his wife later "So-and-so is never going to do that." How it's OK to lie to your friends. To which I said, "So you're suggesting that all of my friends are likely lying to me about this? Great, thanks!" He said they probably were.

Sigh... I mean, maybe he's right, but does he have to say that? Let me believe that people believe in me, for goodness' sake!

Had some productive discussion about phobias in the other part of the session, with some plans to address things once he gets back from his vacation. We plan to focus on less heavy topics on Friday, before he goes out of town.