Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

Congrats atat - that sounds lovely!

Thanks Lemon, actually, I meant SI as in not self injury. That actually has been pretty good for 28 days. But the has been around since the 11th. T suggested play-doh. Not sure how that is supposed to help. She said something to do with tension. IDK. I think I was just confused at that point. Actually she didn't spend much time on it at all. She just asked if Pdoc talked about hospitalizing me, which he never would unless I told him I wanted to be in the hospital. So maybe she felt relieved of the responsibility? Who knows!

HUGS Lemon! Kit

Congrats, @@ that does sound lovely!

Hugs, Kit

does anybody know if blocking on facebook is a pretty safe bet, that it actually works and the person will stay blocked? asking because on the facebook group for the writing your way home course I'm doing right now, there's this woman on there, many of her comments to other people have been a bit triggering for me... I don't know if I'm just overly sensitive or what, but so much of what she comments to other people's writing feels like thinly veiled hostility to me and I'm afraid she's gonna turn it on me, so I quit posting anything. I mean I blocked her on facebook, but it just feels unsafe there now; part of me is worried that I didn't do it correctly and I'll still see her posts. I'm still doing the writing to the prompts he provides, but I had been enjoying reading other people's work and the comments and sharing my own work and stuff but... this one person just really made me feel unsafe/uncomfortable. I dunno. Maybe it's just me being an overly sensitive big baby.

Back to the dentist with me tomorrow - teeth cleaning - and I need to make myself schedule getting that crown or whatever before that tooth cracks even more. I don't want to do it.

Did you pay for this? I would talk to the facilitator about this person's comments because you're not getting your money's worth if you're afraid to share and participate because of this one person.

I agree with this. It's not right if someone is keeping you from fully participating.

well, i made it to two shifts at my new position. I left work tonight and made it to my car before i broke down completely. my pain is at a 15/10. and this is a job where i do get to sit a majority of my time.

so i texted my new boss at ten, telling her the pain is too much, and can’t come in tomorrow. I left work at 7::45 and just stopped being in hysterical panic about all of this. mostly bc i talked to trauma T on the phone; where she helped me realize that yes, being jobless
is scary (more like terrifying), suffering this much day after day just can’t work.

i am 99.9% certain I will be fired from my company. I just used up all of my FMLA. They found me a position where i can mostly sit, and they did not have to do that. so it is clear that i can not handle this anymore, and bye bye company i worked17 years for.

I am in too much pain and too exhausted to be completely paralyzed by everything. I need to sleep.
Tomorrow should be so fun

so sorry i haven’t responded to anyone’s posts. I should catch up tomorrow some you know, i will be jobless.

23 days... and I relapsed tonight. Kind of out of spite. L said she couldn't be there to celebrate with me tonight. Only "in spirit". All she had to do is wait 6 minutes! Yes, 6 mins... It was so hard getting to day 23, and now all of it was waste. I will try again after this pack, but I think I'm going to keep it to myself. I don't want to be anyone's burden. Nor a disappointment. I don't need the shame and guilt from anyone. I already feel that myself. I'm not going to session tomorrow either. I don't want to face L.

Oh sorry kit.

A stress ball could also be used instead of the play-doh . You really do have to rough those moments out and take it moment by moment. They will pass. You are strong enough to get through them. Are you safe now?

Are you able to tell your father when you're feeling worse ?

I've been a member on another forum. I started to cry when someone else had mocked something I had posted about. Words on a screen but they still hurt. Wish I was stronger but I'm not. I was already feeling upset about the whole Fin thing too.

I feel that even though I did agree to weekly sessions "to build momentum" we were not going at MY pace, but at his because it was easier with scheduling for him. I realized that with my message to him, I wanted him to tell me that it was okay, we would go slower not that I wanted to end completely.

Today I emailed a female T (my hair stylist's current therapist ) and the actor to arrange a lesson for Thursday.

I'm feeling soppy, but I also just wanted to say THANK you for all the support over the past 4 years plus. I'm honestly grateful to have known you guys even even if it was all online. Thank your all the comments and for making me feel less alone.

Look how far you've come. You're doing a fab job. I remember when you first started. This just proves you can beat the urges. Look at what you learned during this break. Go again when you're ready.

Just a suggestion but I really think it would be easier and more maintainable. if you did the gradual drop down over cold turkey as it would help you adjust.

Progress, not perfection, guys.

I read something on yt yesterday that said you make new habits by doing things inconsistently, not consistently. I was like, what?

Lemon, so do i hafta go and beat these people up? cuz you know i will.

Hugs, Scarlet. I think L will be understanding about the relapse. I forget how many attempts it takes on average for a person to quit smoking, but it's a high number. I think she would celebrate the nearly 23 days and see that as progress Not be critical. At least that's how I would be. I don't think it would help to skip the session.

Unless you mean you don't want to face her because she couldn't be there last night?

I agree that tapering down would be easier to quit in some regards. My problem is that if is see a cigarette, I have to have it. It's like keeping my favorite dessert stocked in the house. I can't not eat it! Even now that I started again, I'm smoking just as often as before. I've tried other forms of nicotine replacement. Maybe I should try them again? I should. I'll call my doctor next week. The nurse is out sick this week. Maybe have nicotine in my body will help with the cravings while I change the habit. Because this round of quitting was rough!

Thank you, Lemon!

Yes, you're right Una! My perfectionism kicked in. Plus I've been trying to change multiple habits at once. And like Lemon mentioned, going cold turkey is a harder way to do it. I just need to start again, this time with a nicotine replacement.

I want to skip session mainly because I don't want to deal with her reaction to the relapse. I also don't want to deal with her "boundaries and limitations". I already have "I'm not a 24/7 therapist" stuck in my head. I also want to skip as a way to act out. I want to hurt her like she hurt me by not being there.

I'll more than likely go. I've never missed a session without good reason, and this is not a good reason. She'll probably call me, be all sweet like she is, and convince me to come in to talk about it.

I did email him about it - thanks. it took a bit but i got a very kind response that he's going to look into it and he said I could email him directly for feedback so that made me feel better. Maybe i'm just being overly sensitive if no one else has a problem with her... we shall see.

Hugs, Scarlet.

I think that having other voices/approaches is good even where they might make one uncomfortable. Unless the other person is directly saying things like "your writing is ****" then I would ignore it and go on. I would not expect the other person to change because of my sensitivities. Everyone gets to have their sensitivities, but it isn't anyone else's problem in my opinion. But admittedly - I am a lot more against all the woowoo big hug approaches for writing critique that I see more as a way to get people to give money rather than to make writing better (I am grading -so super crabby about terrible sentences and inadequate presentation of ideas - I spend a lot of time telling students the court doesn't care about your feelings -they just want to understand your arguments).

Not feeling well today so I had to cancel my session scheduled for today.

What about if you define "pace" in terms of how quickly or deeply you reveal and process things and not how often you see him? I do think you have a pattern of push/pull and disappearing when your shame overwhelms you (believe me, I see it because I do it too!). Maybe one way to break the pattern is to commit to the weekly sessions AND to try to regulate your pace (or to ask Fin to help you do it). That might mean doing other things in session like playing a game or coloring or talking about something you care about that is not directly related to your trauma, something like that. You'll get a breather while not throwing in the towel altogether.

You were really positive about Fin and all your progress just a few weeks ago, and it would be unfortunate to lose all that because of a problem that you can likely resolve with him somehow, right?

the person was saying stuff like "You're not the only one who suffered such-and-such" to someone who wrote about a childhood trauma, things like that; not actual critiques or comments about the actual writing.