Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

HUGS velcro003

Hugs, Velcro.

Well today was an eventful day for me. I tried to donate Plasma for the first time since early November but my heart rate was too high. So I decided to dash instead and nearly got hit by a car at least 2 or 3 times. Fortunately I didn't get hit but I couldn't help but wonder that one day I may not be so lucky.

RT: Eek! That’s scary.

LT-Yeah he knew I took off of work. I do plan on telling him that I was supposed to start next week, but can’t due to severe pain. That is a month without income.
I am hoping he does an MRI. In a perfect world, I would get pain meds. I know that won’t happen, though.

I know the last time I think the car came out of nowhere, since I didn't see it at all before trying to turn. Fortunately there were no cars in the opposite direction lane so they were able to drive around me.

The area I dashed in was an area that I don't typically dash in and only dashed there because it was near the place where I tried to donate Plasma at today.

What means dash?

DoorDash

How do you start quitting an addiction? I'm trying to quit smoking again. I did it before for 9 months. Then because of the stress of the move last May, I started again. Quitting has been so hard. I quit for a couple of hours and then I have to have another one. I've tried all the typical ways: cold turkey, patch, nose spray, lozenge, and even vaping. Cold turkey worked last time. I don't even think it's about the nicotine.

I need to be done with it. I want to be done with it. Yet when I try, my anxiety goes up, and I get antsy. Then I almost literally get paralyzed. I can't move. I just sit there going over everything I could do, but I don't. I'm frustrated with myself. If only I can make it past the first few days. So far, the longest I've gone is 12 hours, and that was sleeping through the night.

Any help? Advice?

I never smoked myself - but my H quit like 26 years ago by chewing gum - a LOT of gum. Juicy Fruit if memory serves. Wishing you the best in quitting!

Addictions are so hard to break. I'm working on detoxing from sugar this week - ugh.

So I'd been doing pretty well not to think about this all week since I made the appointment - but I have a dermatologist appt tomorrow morning cuz I need to get a spot of sun damage on my arm looked at. I have lots of sun damage on my arms cuz I used to be a lifeguard umpteen years ago - outdoor pools at girl scout camps and a couple of different neighborhood pools and was constantly getting sunburned. Back in those days we freakin' did it on purpose, slathering on that coconut-smelling suntan oil. Well, I did protect my nose with zinc oxide but the rest of me would get so sunburned. ANYwho, I have a spot on my arm that has recently changed appearance and I've always heard if they change, you should get 'em checked out so I'm going in tomorrow morning and tonight I'm starting to get nervous about it!

Hopefully it's nothing, Artie. It's freaking hard to get a dermatologist appointment here. I had to make one last fall for April. It was something on my scalp I wanted to get looked at, but the scab has now fallen off and I can't decide if I should still go or not because I can't see it.

I'm amazed how we used to slather ourselves with oil knowing what we know now. Makes you wonder what kind of stuff we're doing today that seems totally innocent that will one day be a known danger.

i can not handle the pain anymore. my appointment with the doctor is only 7 hours away, but feels like a lifetime. I barely can make it the 20 feet to the bathroom. How am I going to get myself there? There is so much walking involved to get to his office.

I need pain relief so bad.

I struggle with alcohol abuse. I don't have a solution, but one thing that I've read in a therapeutic manual for BPD which I haven't read anywhere else (it did help me, but not fix it all for me): give your addiction a name, like "Peter" or something, and imagine it as a separate entity from yourself, like a bad angle sitting on your shoulder or something like that. Whenever you feel the urge to use or get supplies or whatever, you then address "Peter" directly, by name, in your head and tell him that no, this is bad advice and tell him off for it. As far as I remember, you may even insult him. It sounds silly, but it helps with controlling the urges some.

Other than that I find it helps to have a safe environment that doesn't trigger me, together with lots of things to do. And focus on small achievements. It's normal to relapse, don't beat yourself up if you do, instead lift yourself up if you manage to go a day without or whatever the time frame is for you.


There's also apps (they are often marketed for alcoholics, but they often let you choose which thing you're actually struggling with and adjust for that) that try to help. The one I used before had a small section where you could (if you wanted to) post your story of the day and you could read other people's experiences. It would also give you little badges for achievements like one day sober or one week, one month and so on, to give you some motivation. Motivation in general is something that works well for me, like saying "if I don't drink for one week, I will treat myself to a chocolate bar".

Sending you love artie bean. Well done for not ignoring it. I hope your appointment goes well.

Is it possible for anyone to help you get there?

Scarlett- I'm not a smoker but I think the gradual winding down over a set period of time would help you better in the long term. I would suggest to carry on as you are for the first week but just become more aware.

Day 1:
Make a note of how many you smoke a day right now. Take note of the times. More in the morning or evening. What were you feeling beforehand?

Week 1: Drop just one cigarette if you can and carry on from there. One less a week at a time or every 2 weeks.

You need to start a new habit whilst giving up the old. What else do you enjoy?

So putting this out there even though it is cringe. I emailed a new female therapist yesterday. The woman my hair stylist has gone to for the past three years.

Fin has done nothing wrong and has been exceptionally kind and lovely. I've been happier. Both my parents are blocked on Whatsapp. We tackled a lot of stuff at the start. We just agreed to a six week block and I just paid for the first three sessions- but my brain has started the thing I did with Rob.

I already have a lot of shame about my sexuality, but right now I just want to hide away from him.

A) Run away

B) Stay and talk about it with him if it comes up .

Background: he is a happily married gay man.

Thanks. I made the appointment like 3-4 weeks ago and made myself forget about it, remembered when they sent me paperwork early in the week and then had to try to not worry about it all week. I guess I'm worried because there's a history of melanoma in my family and I did spend a LOT of time out in the sun as a kid/teen/in my 20's. Speaking of "stuff" I did as a kid, we also used to ride our bikes in the fog behind the bug sprayer trucks that would drive through the neighborhood. Back when kids would leave on their bikes after breakfast and return for dinner, no one knowing where we were. I shudder to think what is lurking in my body waiting to manifest in my fastly-approaching old age.

If it were me, and as hard as it was for you to get the appointment, I think I'd still go, just for my own peace of mind even if you can't see anything anymore.

Big hugs, Lemoncake. I hope you're able to come to a decision that feels right for you. If Fin is helpful enough for you and since he's been a safe space for you, might it be helpful to stay and talk about it? Only you would know that of course and my thinking "maybe stay and talk about it" is probably very much influenced by my going back to L instead of a new t. It's been very helpful these past few sessions, but... I can also see the value in getting a new perspective on things from a different t which I have yet to have the gumption to actually DO.

Thank you for the reply Artie bean.

I already know he will respond- like he has all the other times before. With a bucket load of compassion. Currently crying about it now. lol will decided later.

You probably don't feel this way, but I think it's great that you're seeing the pattern. Stuff often keeps coming up over and over for people until they figure out how to resolve it (how to meet the need or manage the anxiety it causes or whatever). You are comfortable enough with him that the real core issues are coming to the forefront, and the forefront is exactly the place where you can work on them. Do you think Fin is positioned to help you explore this safely and productively? It could be really healing. And FYI, there is nothing wrong with romantic or sexual feelings. They're just feelings like any other.

Thank you for the reply EM. I have also missed seeing you around.

Yes I do think he would be gentle and careful with it. He is also highly perceptive, so I wouldn't be surprised if he might already know. This relationship overall feels a lot healthier and more secure. There have been no ruptures or large ups and downs- just a lot of consistency and care.

(No dramas about emails either!!)

Lemon - Switching to another therapist, even female, might not help with romantic feelings towards your T. I am straight and so is L. I've had sexual fantasies about her, and am extremely jealous of her H. I want that intimacy and time with her! I've told her this and she welcomes it. She never makes me feel ashamed or bad for any of my feelings. We just work through them when they come up.

It might be beneficial to try to work through these thoughts and feelings you're having towards your T. Maybe this will be a safe place to explore your sexuality whoch is why these feelings are coming out?

Hi Lemon-Thank you for your concern! I eventually fell asleep anyway. I went to the ortho doc today, and he told me the next step is surgery. I need to get an MRI done, and follow up on three weeks. He put me on his schedule for the surgery (in may) but I can cancel.

It is 4 weeks off my feet, then a boot. I have no more FMLA left. I also can’t go another month with no income, even if that’s possible.

I asked if they can prescribe anything for the pain, but he said no. I guess I just suffer.

Thank you for your input and for sharing Scarlet.

What's been going for me in the background is that I've been getting a lot of male attention, more so then I'm used to without even trying. I was asked out, but turned that person down without having a real reason. I spoke to him about why I had said "no" only this week when we were alone and walking together. We did also randomly spot each other at the shopping centre too on thursday and we walked around buying sun cream. I know I could easily date him, but I don't want to hurt him when I don't even know what I want.