Googled my therapist and feel guilty about it

Yes, I am scheduled for Saturday but now I’m worried that’s going to get canceled too and I’ll never see T again. I don’t know why she offered to try and fit me in earlier and then not respond to emails. I feel bad that I’m angry about this given the circumstances but I can’t help it.

So T ended up replying an offering me a session time but unfortunately I wasn’t able to make it work so I just saw her at my usual time which was today.

The session was horrible. I tried to talk about all the other things that have been on my mind but I struggled to open up. I felt disconnected from T and I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed. There were a lot of silences. T asked me several times if I had any feelings about the cancellation and her delayed email response but I didn’t know what to say without mentioning the fact that I knew why she cancelled.

I feel like I wasted the session and just feel worse than before. I now have to suffer another week alone until I see her again. I don’t know if I should email her and ask if I can book in an extra session next week. I feel embarrassed to do so and I worry I’m just going to waste that one too.

Oh I’m sorry! That is hard
I’m not sure what to say. Do you think you’ll be able to open up about the other things in your next session? Or will you have to think about coming clean fully? I hate the feelings that come with not being 100% honest so I feel for you ❤️❤️

I'm sorry your session went so poorly. I know what it feels like to have that "I wasted a session" feeling, and it sucks. I think you should go ahead an ask for an extra session. I doubt she'd be surprised, as you mentioned all the silences. And she'd likely be understanding about it. So I think it's worth at least asking.


I hope whatever you do that your next session is more helpful.

So I emailed my T Saturday night asking if I could book in an extra session next week. Obviously I wasn’t expecting a reply on Sunday but it is now Tuesday and still nothing. I now have family commitments on the day she usually has openings so I’m now in a bind where I can’t actually organise anything. I have sent a follow up email today along her to let me know today if she has any availability. Stating to get annoyed now as it feels like a can’t rely on her in times of need.

Ugh, that's really frustrating that you haven't heard back. Even if she's busy, it should only take a minute for her to look at her calendar and see whether she has anything. It's good you sent a follow-up--it's also possible she missed your email somehow or thought she'd replied and didn't. I hope you hear from her soon and can have an extra session.

Good news everyone! I had a session tonight and told my T that I had looked her up on social media. She wasn’t mad at all and seemed genuinely curious about how I found her, what I found out and how I felt about it. I was extremely reluctant to tell her but she kept asking me questions until she finally guessed what it was. I told her how sorry I was both about what had happened and the fact that I found out. She said it wasn’t that she didn’t want me to know or I wasn’t allowed to know. I said I really didn’t want to find out something like that but I stumbled upon it during one of my searches. This all happened towards the end of the session but we’re going to talk more about it on Saturday when I next see her. I’m very relieved!

Oh, I'm so glad you were able to talk about it and that she was so understanding! T's just vary so much in that area. I hope your continued discussion about it goes well.

I'm also glad it went well!