L is pregnant

I don't journal. I obsess on the negatives. I do email L almost daily. I guess that's sort of a journal.

I tried talking to J last night, but she didn't respond. It sucks, but I'm not upset because she is not my therapist. I also have no clue what her schedule is like. She could have taken a vacation for all I know.

Only other therapist I have is T. I don't want to talk to her about this. I've been feeling really distant from her because it's been so long since we've had a session.

Last night (trigger for SI):
I'm just not doing well.

Hugs Scarlet. I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. Keep posting here if it helps.

Could you try to refocus? You didn’t know about pregnancy and you can’t change it, but now you know, so you have time to plan for how to handle maternity leave and a baby etc

If you spend time now being upset over things you cannot change (when she told or not told you about the baby) you won’t have time on what you have control over: preparation, so maybe try to focus on that.

Also maybe you want to dig deeper on what you really upset about. It feels like there’s more to it? Perhaps it’s not even about her telling/not telling

Also sending hugs, Scarlet! I have a tendency to obsess on the negatives as well, so I get it.

I realized the other night that part of my feelings about Dr. T's reaction to the "I love you" stuff (not "fully accepting" it) are probably partly grieving what the therapeutic relationship is and isn't. I wonder if that could be a part of what's going on for you? That you found out a bit later than you wish you would have. That you won't get to see her during her maternity leave, though others might be able to. And maybe partly about your wishing you could have a child. Possibly wishing she could have been your mother?

I wonder if it could help to think about it as grieving those things? (It's helping me understand my emotions a bit better.) Grief can come with a lot of mixed feelings.

Yes! I do grieve the therapeutic relationship's limits. I do wish she was my mother. And there is some jealousy toward the baby that it gets to have her as a mother. There's also a twinge of jealousy that she gets to be a mother, but that's not really bothering me.

I think the grief is both: the feeling of betrayal AND the grief that she's not my mother. The first, the betrayal, is about her not telling me sooner. It's broken trust. Some might not understand that or think there's some underlying problem. I've been processing it with L through emails and phone calls, and she also thinks it's straight forward and that my hurts are valid.

The second, the grief that the baby will have her as it's mother, is about her leave. However, the basic plans of her leave have already been discussed. The details and following through with plans is needed next.

Texting with J last night helped again. I asked her a bunch of questions like what would she do if she was in my situation, etc. J helped me realize that giving L another chance is worth it. Basically, I can leave L at any point, so why not see if the trust can be rebuilt.

She also brought to my attention that I actually am holding the joy and devastation at the same time. I'm feeling and validating my pain AND making her a baby blanket is an example of the joy I can still have. That was definitely an A-ha moment. AND it doesn't take away from the pain.

Sometimes, I just recognize that holding onto anger and resentment for something never intended to hurt me is unproductive and only hurts myself. I can choose to think differently; I can choose the positive and let the perceived slight go; I can forgive a person for what I deem as a betrayal when in actuality no intention of betrayal really existed in the first place.

This is true, Artley. L would never maliciously or intentionally hurt me. This I know. I'm not in a forgiving place right now, but I am in a place where I want to see if we can work through this. L and J want me to honor, validate, and express my feelings, not ignore or push the feelings away. I know there was no intention of betrayal AND that is how I feel right now.

Thank you, Artley. I really hope one day I can get to a healthier state like you. I am trying.

You don't need to be thinking about forgiveness right now. If that comes with time, great. If not, that's OK, too.

I think it's good that L and J are wanting you to honor, validate, and express your feelings. I think you need to really feel them, rather than try to suppress them, in order to get through it. I think you'll be able to work through this with L, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Great post, LT.

Something of this magnitude deserves to be felt rather than rushed through.

Thank you, LT and Lost! I definitely won't be rushing this. It's one of the reasons I'm upset that I only have 4 month to work on this.

One of the things I'm going to asl interim therapist (G) is if he is capable of holding my anger not only with L, but with him too. I have a feeling I'll reflect some of my anger onto him. I just wish I had more time. 4 months of working through this AND preparing for her leave is not enough. However, 4 months of L on leave is going to feel like forever. Funny how time feels different in different situations.

L is not a machine. Why do you insist on or need to treat her like one? Theoretically "you" have 4 months to prepare.

You know what Yogi Bera said:

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice, there is.

Dude, that baby could come any time.

What is this superhuman standard you hold her to, in your mind? Do you feel you are being held to such an unattainable standard by others in your life? This reminds me of my Catholic upbringing and my own parents unrealistic standards, which i met and they then belittled. Definition of crazymaking.

Please understand, when I talk about forgiveness, I am NOT talking about pushing things away and certainly not forgetting. People define forgiveness many ways, and I know that the term has a lot of baggage. I only know how I think about it which may not jive with other people’s definitions and I get that.

When I choose to forgive, I do it for myself. I make a choice to release myself from the anger or hurt or resentment over a situation because it serves me better to personally validate my experience of the situation and then accept that it probably won’t change. I’m not saying what I went through was right; I’m not saying what I’m feeling is wrong. It’s more that it is whatever it is, and in order to move forward, I personally need to mindfully choose to not let it drive my present. It’s like metaphorically taking a deep breath, grounding myself in the present, and choosing to take a step forward, away from the cause of my distress.

I just want to clarify that in no way am I saying to ignore or suppress your feelings. I can be mindful of my feelings and experience AND consciously release the toxicity/bitterness/anger so that I can get “unstuck” (that’s the forgiveness part for me).

Hopefully, you can find that place of validation of your experience AND being okay with moving forward. Moving forward doesn’t erase the experience and emotions of the past; it just lets the past stay in its place without following us everywhere in our present. I used to fear that moving forward was somehow invalidating everything I had gone through previously, but it was an awakening to realize I could move forward without having to constantly carry the burden of past experiences with me all the time. The past is still there: it won’t go anywhere. I can look at it as needed AND I can put it away when it gets in my way.

That’s what forgiveness looks like to me.

Maybe I do forgive her a little. Not by your definition, not yet at least. AND I'm choosing to hold my feelings and try to work through this with her. I'm choosing to love her (I believe love is a choice not just a warm fuzzy feeling). I'm trying my damned-est to hold onto her and our history. I'm trying to hold hope that we still have a future.

Seems important to remember that you have NO claim to any inside or private knowledge about her body, her family or her personal life. It's nice that she discloses some personal things with you but it should only be in the service of your therapy. Of course it's ok and totally natural to have feelings about how her maternity leave affects you. The good news is that it sounds like she's happy to process those feelings with you for the next 4 months!

Maybe the forums realize that this is extremely hard for me because of my past patterns. Me (and my family) are very skilled at disowning people. I didn't grow up with my extended family because of it. I have disowned/ended relationships for much lesser things. I'm not very good at keeping relationships because I just don't understand them. I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid of being hurt, or worse, abandoned.

I'm try so ****ing hard here to work through this with L. I'm trying to hold onto her, see her for all her multitudes. To see her as a messy human in this complicated life like we all are. I do not expect perfection, no! I had an expectation that was communicated to her and was not corrected or followed through with. That is a hurt.

L has validated that my pain is real and understandable. J, the same. I don't think my feelings are out of proportion and neither do they. What would be wrong, and I'm doing my best to see this, is throwing away a beautiful relationship over something that was no malicious or intended to hurt me. I think what Artley said about that rang really true to me.

I am trying...

I don't claim to have a right to know personal information. L and I have discussed in length when and how she should tell me about things in her life that DOES affect my therapy. You might disagree with mine and L's agreements, but that is what we've agreed upon and it has worked for us.

I would not like working with a therapist who was pregnant. It's painful to be presented with such blatant evidence that you aren't a priority and are secondary, tertiary, whatever-ary comes after that. I mean, obviously, we know that's true and we know that we are work, but ugh it's right there in the room with you when her love priorities are blooming in front of you. So my heart goes out to you Scarlet, especially given that you struggle with your place in relationships.

By the same token, I don't think she has done anything wrong. She didn't tell you at the time that you wanted. Yes, that hurts you and, as you say, your feelings are around that are valid. But I wonder if her apologising is helpful. She has a right to disclose in a way that suits her, especially since pregnancy is one of the most significant and profound states her body will experience. I am not dismissing your pain, but what if her response had been a compassionate "no, here is a boundary about my disclosing. I did it to suit me because my pregnancy takes priority". It feels a bit like her apologising and working so hard at moving to your position feeds your pain because it is confirmation that she has gone rogue in some way. And it sets you off a road of thinking about forgiveness which seems like a distraction to me, taking you away from the core pain of (perceived) abandonment and being unloved.

Thanks, Comrade!
L said she did it to protect my therapy. She thought if she waited, I could focus more on my trauma work. She has since said that if she could do it again she would tell me at the 3 month mark. So in that, I feel the apology is justified.

However, I do see what you mean that the apology is contributing to my focus on my feelings of betrayal with her instead of focusing on my core issues: abandonment, unloved, rejected, etc. Those are definitely thing we will need to address and work on in whatever time I have left before her leave. I can probably work on them with G, too. I'm not going to want to do the work I'm doing with L with G. I do not really see G as my therapist. He's just someone to provide support once a week. I'll still have J and T as backup, too.

comrademoo an incisive perspective.

Emailed L a bunch of times last night. She was giving me facts, but I felt like she was making excuses and invalidating my experience. She responded back to me this morning via email and she clarified that discussing facts is not to excuse her from what happened, but to help both of us understand what happened and why to try to prevent it from happening again. We talked on a phone call just now, and though everything isn't better, I feel like we're on the same path again. And she gave me a lot more information which I TOTALLY understand her now. It still doesn't excuse her as she could have made different choices along the way, AND I 100% can see where her brain went and why. It actually gives me a lot of compassion for her.

See, diclosures in our relationship are very important for me and us. It might not seem appropriate, but understanding the whys help me process and understand her and other people better. I don't demand to know things from L. I ask. Or somethings are just our pattern (i.e. why are you taking time off?). And then there's unique times, like this pregnancy where more information (not necessarily saying she's pregnant) should have been given (i.e. change my expectation of when she'll tell me).

Whether any you agree with disclosures or not isn't the point. My point is now that I understand L. She acknowledges that she would have done things differently if she held me better in mind. AND now I feel like we're on the right path. I feel relief today.

Progress on the baby blanket! I'm trying to go as fast as possible to make it on time so I can give it to her before the 9 month mark. It's a grayish center and it will have a variation of blues and white fluffy yarn for the border. I'm so excited to give it to her. I've been putting my love for her and the baby into this project. It's really helped me hold onto her and the good I desire for her.

That's a really pretty stitch and beautiful work!!

Thanks Artie! I'm a novie compared to you. One day I'll be brave and try new patterns like your mandalas. They're so cool! I know maybe 5 stiches now. My favorite is the shell stich, but that wouldn't be suitable for a boy! But I wanted to learn something new for the baby. I like this one.

I just figured out it will take 5 rolls of grey yarn and at least one roll of the fuzzy yarn. Must get on it!!!

That’s so neat and gorgeous. Wow you are talented. Very impressive