Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,

It's so stupid that I wanted a "thanks" for that email, or just some acknowledgment, like a thumbs up. Maybe it irritated you and you don't want to encourage me. Or you don't want to feed the OCD part of me that feels I need to say "safe travels" when you're going to/returning from being away.

I don't think it would normally bother me so much, but I'm feeling very disconnected after that session. And this would be a terrible time to email about that. Likely pointless to ask for something tomorrow, as you might still be away and probably wouldn't have anything anyway. I'll do my best to hold it till Monday.

I guess a "thanks!" just would have made me feel marginally more connected. Maybe you're taking the day off looking at email today or something. Which I'd completely understand. I don't feel I can bring it up Monday because it's going to seem silly and/or annoying. Sigh.

Love,
LT

I'm stressed about some things which aren't helping my ulcers. I'm pretty sure stressing terribly about my transference T for almost 3 years wasn't helpful. I wish I could explain her to you without you possibly freaking out.

But I guess that feeling I"d get deep in my gut about her actually turned into a legit problem. Since thats where the ulcers are

Dear T,

Hope you're still alive and stuff.

Love,
LT

L, I just want to be important too! I'm making a lot of sacrifices to allow you to meet your needs. This is just another way your needs are more important than mine. It hurts and it's hard.

Ouch, Scarlet.

I feel that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Dear T,

I appreciated our little text exchange last night. Even though you didn't have any openings today--which I fully expected to be the case--you showed a lot of caring in your response. And I think that's what I really needed. And knowing you're not dead (though I really only started wondering that when it was 9 pm and you hadn't replied).

Love,
LT

I had no idea when we were meeting next until I got our appointment reminder. I guess maybe I should keep track.

My mom says I am working better with you then I was with my transference T. I'm not needy with you like I was with her.

Do you really understand how your choice to go online over the summer impacts me at this moment in time?

I'm not sure, and we've run out of time to talk about it.

Dear T,

That helped some today. I understand more now why you were reacting the way you did. And I appreciated your saying you were sorry I didn't feel connected. I did feel at least somewhat connected today. And the handshake and 'take care" felt nice.

Though I hate that you still are unsure of the move timeline and that it's likely to cancel at least one of my sessions. I appreciate that you'll let me know once you've figured it out.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Sorry for asking that, and I imagine the answer is no, but I just had a total OCD freakout about a probably ridiculous contamination thing. That freakout also scared D, and I feel really guilty and am hating myself right now. I just hope you aren't annoyed. You might think it's about something else that came up today that would fit in the category of "not related to the therapeutic relationship," but it's not.


Love,
LT

Dear T,

I assume the answer is no, or you'd have responded by now. And you're just trying to figure out how to word it. I miss the days when you had pretty regular availability, with a looser schedule...I imagine the move and your vacation are affecting things right now, too. Guess I was just spoiled.


Love,
LT

Or you'll have an opening. I appreciate your confirmation of old office with the winking smiley.

Love,
LT

This is the hardest deadline I've ever dealt with.
I'm wondering whether I should tell you how much the last week has asked of me, while I know it won't change anything.

Your calm in the face of this is almost insulting.

It bugged me that you called me your patient so I finally asked why you sometimes called me your patient and sometimes your client and you said "I do it interchangeably." And I replied "I thought it was an inside joke." Because I legit thought it was a joke among the therapists because why tf would I be called your patient?

Dear T,

You were certainly chatty today! I probably should have pushed to talk more about the OCD stuff, or maybe stopped you when you were talking about the things with your sport, but it was OK. It felt like you wanted to share, and I was curious. And I wasn't fully in the mood to continue yesterday's discussion today anyway, even though I said I wanted to at the end of that session. Maybe Friday? And I do think we hit on some interesting/important stuff in the last 15 minutes or so.

I also felt a bit thrown off when I learned early in session that the move plans shifted by a day, too. Glad you can see me Sunday, even if I was unsure whether I should still meet three times after an extra session this week (as I justified that thinking it would only be twice next week). But then, Sunday would probably be the last in-person session for a bit for assorted reasons. So I'd rather have that. And good to know you probably won't disassemble the office before then.

We'll see how I do saying good-bye to it a second time (that sounds like some sort of song).

Love,
LT

dear t

i wish i could just sleep time away and everyone would leave me alone

I took your suggestion and used my treadmill for 10 minutes. Thanks for being cool about letting me vent. I don't normally vent to you but I'm kinda frustrated today. The treadmill did help.

I cannot believe how tired I am.

Dear T,

I was trying very hard to not focus on it being the next-to-last session in that office. That was all important stuff we were talking about though, so it's not like we were just chit-chatting. It helped that you seemed empathetic about some of that.

Also, it struck me how you were saying basically every year has been bad in some way since about 2017. I wanted to be like, "So, since you've known me?" (I know it's more about political and world changes.)

Hope work on the new office goes as planned the next few days (even though I selfishly wish we could stay in the old one longer, of course).

Love,
LT

thanks for advising me to take care of myself but idk how to do that right now. life has become too much

Even though I didn't want the last in person session to feel like the end of the year, I've found myself doing some of the therapy admin that I usually do then.

If we're changing the conversation, then I don't need the notes from the previous sessions to hand.

Hi R,

Last session felt so weirdly unsafe that I have found myself emailing the people who run the online grief group to check that the session I've booked tomorrow with them is going ahead.

Consistency is everything...and I thought you knew how important that is to me, especially now.

Dear T,
I hope you respond in some helpful way to that email. I'm just struggling right now with it, and we aren't due to meet again until Thursday. And the next three days will be occupied with your move. Just felt rejected by your seeing me and shutting the door. Though maybe some of the rejection is also your canceling Wed.? And giving me Thursday, but then presuming I'd want to cancel Friday, which I just agree with. But maybe I'd want more time to process? You're having to cancel a lot of other clients, so I feel I can't ask.

This stupid part of me thought maybe you'd offer up Saturday (even though you don't usually work then--but to make up for 3 days of not working) or Sunday, but I guess not. It just feels like a long time.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

I feel like I'm dying...there's just all this pain.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

I guess that's how it is. I am alone in this. Maybe I just need to leave, I don't know.

LT