Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Do you wait for people to tell you I'm going off the rails to take time off?

I'm taking time off the rails to tell you to wait. On the side of the tracks. And I'll be like the T because of the constant breakdowns and all the colorful lines because we are all made up of colors and YOU MY MA'AM ARE A RAINBOW OF GREEN, BUT LIKE A REGURTIATED SPINACH GREEN!

Going back to the SL forum Zoom group tomorrow.
I have no idea how I'm going to find words, or whether it will just be a complete waste of time.

Some things are best talked about one to one, face to face....you know this.

My grandma tragically died in an accident when I was 15 and I have never mentioned it to any therapist or pdoc after the one I was working with at the time. I mean, they have their secrets.

Dear T,

Guess I wasn't wrong about not going to get support from H the other night. See, I can read things correctly some of the time. Wish I had been wrong about this one, though.

Love,
LT

The Zoom group was a good opportunity to connect with other survivors, but if I am actually going to talk about what I'm going through, it needs to be one-to-one.

No group can hold what I'm experiencing these days.

I did the math because I'm bored af right now. I met with my transference therapist for roughly 680 days. With you we have been meeting for about 614 days. Weird that its been that long and we clicked just fine.

Dear T,

I feel so sad. I should have talked more about the rupture yesterday. You probably think everything is fine because I didn't talk about it much, but it's not. It was partly on me that we talked about the diagnosis stuff, but I think that might have felt different had we not gone down that one path.

I want to ask if you have anything today, probably instead of tomorrow, but it's doubtful because of your not working Tuesday last week. But then I also think it's dumb to potentially use part of a nice day at the beach to see you when tomorrow it's going to be rainy. So I should just keep tomorrow's session and not ask about today. Yes. That is what I will do.

Love,
LT

Well,

Today marks a month of my new understanding, and my second helpline call in two days.
She tells me that's why they exist, and yet I feel guilty for taking up time that someone else could use.

Excuse me while I go back to trying not to feel.

Dear T,

That session meant a lot to me. I felt the connection (despite being virtual and with your new office as the backdrop) that had been missing lately and certainly wasn't there at all last week. It felt like you wanted to heal things, too. And, like I said, that we were listening to each other.

Your stating that how much stuff in the move was in fact outside of your control, but that you were ultimately the catalyst for it all was the sort of responsibility I felt I needed you to take. And reiterating your apology about its effect on me.

And that was the fish behind you, next to the empty aquarium, right? I felt odd commenting on it, on the off chance I was seeing it wrong. Was it there yesterday, and I just didn't see it? It seemed you shifted your chair intentionally today to get it in view, so I think I'm right. I guess I should have said something. If it is that, it means a lot that it's there, despite the recent conflicts and your not loving it as a piece of decor.

Love,
LT

And of course, I appreciated your saying, warmly, "You're certainly not boring, LT!"

I am effing exhausted.

I was wondering why next week was telehealth again. But I figured there was a reason so I didn't ask when you mentioned it. It turned out the reason was because of my schedule with another appointment. Lol

I wasted today's session. I hate myself.

We talk a lot about music but I've never told you what my favorite song actually is...

I’ve been happy today.

Sleeping better again.

I also refused to waste energy and didn’t allow myself to be dragged into a back and forth with my old friend. She sent me something on Instagram. Looking up the story headline. The information had not been independently assessed. Just a case of “x says” which she blindly trusts.

I’ve not spoken to her in a week now.

Oh no. I have £ucked up, haven't I?

Hey new t, that was pretty good. I think you are a useful sounding board but I don't think we could ever get actual depth of connection because you are always second guessing yourself and hold yourself back too much. Every sentence doesn't need 500 caveats.

Hey R. I appreciate your help, your suggestions were most useful. I also like that you seem to be decidedly against long-term therapy because of the dependence it can cause in the client. In the therapist too, evidently.

And, how absolutely refreshing for me, as well, to be able to say "Thank you for your help, I don't need any more sessions, I just needed the gentle nudge in the right direction that you provided" and have you say "My pleasure" and not say things that make me feel guilted into continuing like L used to do. I told you what I thought I needed, we talked about it and you helped me refine what I actually needed, then you gave me a great suggestion for working with that and I ran with it.

Ha, I always was good at "doing my homework".

Today started with a massive griefquake.
I'm glad I have an online grief support session tonight.

I was happy today too.

Proud of myself being able to self regulate myself during a phone call to my parents . It wasn’t anything that Rob taught me though. Just a perk of getting older.

It's worse when you are really good. Which is a lot of the time. Which is double worse.

Dear T,

I should have sent that text 5 minutes earlier than I did. I hope you're in the (new) office despite the storm. I really hope you'd have let me know if you weren't going to be, but I'm concerned you assumed, because you hadn't heard from me about visiting the new office, that I might be doing virtual. Or maybe you were thinking I'd be away today still. Well, hopefully, if nothing else, I'll get confirmation a bit before my session...not quite enough time to get home before the start, but at least something.

Hope you aren't annoyed by it. I tried to avoid texting, then waited a few minutes too long...

Love,
LT

You know there's no way I'm telling you about how the last couple of weeks have been, right?

I can't let you in to this conversation virtually, or via email.
That session at the end of last month was a mess...and I need to change tack to get through this virtual time.

can't tell you this irl so i'l tell you here haha, remember how I used to talk about being afraid to drive on the highway ever since that dude rear-ended my rental car on a highway a few years ago? well i drove on the highway twice today. our 'new' car (a used 2018 suv) makes me feel safe enough to be able to. I consider it a victory that I was able to make myself try it this morning. Well, of course I knew I could just get off at the next exit if I didn't like it, but it turned out being more than fine. I really like driving this vehicle a lot. I am planning a solo writing weekend away very soon. If I go close enough to home, i can leave on thursday after work and spend 2 nights. Yes!

Dear T,

That was more awkward than I'd hoped it would be. Especially the initial hand-shaking. I guess I should have mentioned it again Tuesday, but at the time, we were focusing on other stuff, and I guess I thought maybe you'd have remembered my wanting to shake hands at the beginning of the first session in the new office. Clearly not, as you seemed confused. Glad you agreed to it (though your hand was more sweaty than usual!)

Plus, I really had thought that was the fish in the video before, so it threw me that it wasn't. I probably should have asked about it early on instead of waiting till the 30-minute mark. Glad it was still there, just hiding in a place out of my view. I'm not sure how I feel about it being there, though I'd rather it be there than not at all. I just went from thinking it was very much in the open to being unsure whether it was there at all to finding that it was hiding in a corner.

Then there was the other stuff about the p-docs and diagnoses and such. Plus feeling invalidated about what my mom said on driving in the rain. And, well, the different angle, which you pointed out at the end. Gonna try one of the chairs next time.

I did appreciate the "welcome to the new office" at the parting handshake (though maybe it would have fit better at the opening one?)

Love,
LT