Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,

As my friend pointed out, maybe it would be easier if I felt I could be angry at you for all these last-minute changes. Or at least blame you. Of course, I don't know the whole story. Did you cut corners somewhere? Neglect to research whether a permit was needed? Not do due diligence in choosing your contractor? Or leave enough overlap/contingency time in case something went wrong or got behind schedule? Or did you do your absolute best, and things just went to s***, as they do sometimes?

You just seemed so stressed today--it was difficult to feel angry with you. I wanted to reassure you, to tell you, "It will be OK." But that's not my place. I just tried to be understanding instead, even when you had to interrupt the session not once, but twice. It was just weird having you go from your image to just your name, plus cutting off audio. I suppose it was better than your saying you had to end the session. And you gave me the time at the end. It was still difficult (maybe would have felt different in person, though maybe you'd have left the room).

So, I'll think about all this more and maybe we can discuss Monday. In your old office. Maybe it depends on what the updates are at that point.

Love you,
LT

Two more sleeps until we pick up the most important thread of that bombshell session.

I wonder whether you recall the point you made, in the midst of everything.

It's painfully accurate, which is why I think you had a difficult time bringing it into the open.

Years ago, I wrote the phrase 'I'm scared and I need you not to be' on a piece of paper...that still stands.

For someone whose life is made from words, you'd think I'd find it easier to use them when needed.

Dear T,

Miss you. Monday seems far away, especially as I'm on solo duty with D until sometime tomorrow afternoon (or evening, if H hits bad traffic).

Wondering whether you have any updates about the move. I know I could email to ask, but, I mean, you could have an update today that could change by Monday, the way things are seeming. Though I also have this fear that you'll need to cancel Monday at the last minute, like if you need to handle something with the new office at that time (though maybe that's why you asked me to switch my time to a bit later?) I think the calls you had to take/make Thursday during session put that in my head. Will there be more disruption? I guess you can't predict that.

It was just easier when there was a set schedule for the move, a plan, including how I'd be doing sessions. I was going to be meeting you virtually (probably) from the new office Monday, then hopefully go in person later in the week, depending on paint odor. And now, who knows? I'll likely be in your old office Monday. Will we meet there again after that? How long until the new office? Have they even painted yet? I had figured maybe I would have been on the path to getting used to your new office by mid-July. Now, who knows?

Again, I'm sure this is all a zillion times more stressful for you. And you probably wish you had the answers to those questions (maybe you do, or at least better answers?) It's just difficult, all the unknowns. I also trust that I can get through it. But am hoping that "it" can be done with sooner than later...

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Also, OK, part of this is that I wish we had the sort of relationship where I could just shoot you a text saying, "Thinking about you with the move stress. How are you doing? Any updates?" Which is what I'd be doing with a friend or relative. I know I could email, and you'd reply tomorrow morning, but it's different. As I partly want to know how *you* are doing personally, and you tend to get squirrelly and closed off when I ask such things--I know, because the relationship is supposed to be about what's going on with me, not you. But, I care.

Love,
LT

I know you're worried about me and the 4th. I didn't even tell you my sister will be at Yosemite. But a several hour long car ride is too much and my mom needs this vacation. I'll be fine.

See you in the morning.

Let's have the session I'd originally planned for Thursday.

I miss you. I guess this is gonna take longer than I had thought it would, when I'd been doing so well. It's the rain. I blame it on that. Some of our best sessions happened when it was raining outside, for some reason. I think I know why; listening to the rain while being in your office is about the most relaxing thing I can think of.

Four ruptures at the same time. Can we please not have any more? I know it's based upon my reaction to my past traumas, but your actions are still what triggered me. I try so hard to be clear. I try so hard in general. Can we please just get through with all of this because I really need our connection/bond back.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Scarlet.

Dear T,

Could you please just move already? I suspect it will just be disruption after disruption until you do. You were supposed to be in the new office today. Well, I guess you will be, at the time of my originally schedule session, but not permanently. It feels a bit weird that we'll be meeting someplace I've already said good-bye to, but I'd rather meet in person.


Love,
LT

Hi R,

I really need to feel safe with you over the next few weeks before we move online.
My guard is up, and I need you to help me bring it down a little.

Yes, I am pissed off that you dropped that on me when I'm in the middle of understanding a new layer of my relationship with Steve.

It's great that I'm using other resources, but nobody else can sit with me in it, and remind me that the big feelings will subside.

Ten more sleeps until the redux.

I feel like its a bit unproffesional to keep calling out that one therapist during our sessions and bringing her up. Which is why I kinda stuck up for her today and said I didn't think she was that bad and I've had worse therapists. But like just move on already.

I wish I was the kind of person who could take changes in therapy in my stride.

The stuff we're working on at the moment is enough, without throwing anything else into the mix.

Dr. S. - I want to send you this quote from TV show and I am trying not to email you very much. I still miss the you I had. I am not sure that will ever really go away. I miss you almost every day. The moments are shorter and the tears are less. The pain of the loss still overshadows the gratitude of once having you in my life and all you gave me. I don't know yet how to flip that ratio. I am grateful for everything you did for me. Love me

Dear T,

You keep mentioning not wanting to hurt me. Not saying something for fear of hurting me. Where did this shift come from? I mean, I appreciate it. But a few years ago, maybe even a year ago, you'd have had no qualms about hurting me. Well, not that you'd have done so intentionally. But your focus would have been on being honest and, well, your own comfort. Not mine. Part of me feels I should talk about it, and part of me feels like I should just let it be and appreciate you sensitivity and care, with the hope that it lasts. Going to listen to the second part for now.

Love,

LT

My support system is in flux all over the show.
You know that reaching out is hard for me.

You might need some time off, but I don't get a break from my stuff.

Dear A1,

Thank you for working today and being there for me. I wouldn’t be able to get through this awful day without you.



A2

I hoped that you would
while knowing you wouldn't
and I understand why you didn't...

but I still wish you would have.

Maybe there is one minute advantage to the occasional virtual session.

Thanks to you, I know what I'm doing with Microsoft Teams now...and that's going to come in handy when I do my passport application.

I want to forgive you. Desperately. I know you didn't do anything on purpose. You're not mean or cruel. But what you did has affected me on so many levels.

Sorry about not eating much lately. I know you guys don't give a crap about weight gain but will **** your pants when it comes to weight loss. Idk if its a med reaction or a stomach issue.

Today's Zoom call with the stewards of the American SL forum brought a new level of insight.

There is no complete understanding, because I wasn't in his head...but I now have a clearer picture of some of the contributing factors.

We'll talk about the rest when I see you, because...that needs to be an in-person conversation.

Dear T,

Wish I could talk to you right now... Stood up for myself tonight and just left dinner when I was upset with H. I'd like to think maybe you'd be proud of me, but that's not what matters. I feel proud of myself. Though now a bit awkward. (I hope you won't be critical that I opted to leave...it just seemed the better option in the moment.)

I want to ask if you have something tomorrow, but I imagine you won't. And it might annoy H if I went running to you anyway. It's possible that I'll email--will see how I'm feeling later (both in terms of that and asking if you have anything). I do have the concert tomorrow night, so that's something.

Love,
LT

I just realized that you and your clients are still in that space and I can't be. This all clearly has no effect on you.