Long-term clients and maternity leaves

Obviously it can’t be 100% avoided but in cases where it is planned a heads-up can and should be given especially when the client has a past history of being abandoned by therapists. I would not have chosen my last therapist had she told me in the beginning she was planning on starting a family.

L told me that we have decades... Not as a promise, but as an intention. I'm going to choose to believe that that is still her intentions. If I have to deal with future leaves, well, I guess I get to suffer future leaves. I'm 4.5 years invested into this relationship/journey. And it's not just what L does for me, but who she is. No one is perfect. I still don't think it's fair that she fostered dependency and attachment when she was planning on multiple pregnancies. I will be miserable and probably suffer each one...maybe...idk.

I'll have my session with L next Thursday, so maybe she'll have more answers for me? And I'll see T on the 3rd, so I can discuss this with her, too.

If you’re willing to let the therapist continue to cause additional suffering in your life that’s up to you I guess. Personally I do not pay thousands of dollars for someone to add to my trauma. I’m in therapy to get better, not worse.

But it isn’t that simple. If only it were

I doubt I am welcome in one of your threads given your previous comments about me being a bully and presumably thinking I contribute to your perceived toxicity of these forums, but I am going to comment anyway! There are some parallels being discussed here with my experience of therapy at the moment so this helps me make sense of what is going on for me.

Our own rhythms clashing with other people's timescales is really hard to navigate. It's painful and frustrating. However, it is also part of relationships and part of what makes relating to others energetic and revealing - as well as sore and grating. I think we lose sight of our agency when we talk about unfairness, suffering etc and I don't mean because we can make choices and use our power within the relationship (I agree that this is not easy and clients are not in a powerful position). I mean it from the point of view that these pauses in therapy, the other person's timescale taking priority, etc gives us the chance to experience more of what a relationship is truly about. Our stuff gets more room, gets to breathe, gets the chance to emerge beyond contact with the other. The therapeutic closeness, hand holding, emails, etc can be important aspects but they are only a part of the therapeutic story. I totally understand craving that kind of holding, but it is also limited.

I think what una said about a child therapist is really interesting and relevant - being able to tolerate and then grow whilst experiencing the pain of another's timescale feels really adult to me. I am not there, but I have an awareness of something. And let's not forget - if the therapeutic relationship continues after the pause, you have the space to explore what has happened for you. Living this stuff is the real work, not seeking seamless attunement.

As I say, this isn't clear to me and I lose sense of things, but it's definitely something I am thinking about and feeling into.

It depends what you mean by adding to your trauma. If you are talking about abandonment or re-traumatising acts, then I agree. However, experiencing a painful aspect of the therapeutic relationship (with the opportunity to process) is not traumatic - that's adult life, albeit complex and unpleasant.

I would agree with this, at least on some level--particularly considering the "with the opportunity to process" aspect.

For example, Dr. T has said/done some things that have been very painful for me--one thing late last year, around his reaction to my saying I loved him, I felt was retraumatizing in a way (because of what had happened with ex-MC and my high school teacher in the past--which he very much knew about). I had the thought to myself a few times "Why am I staying with him if I'm just going to feel pain from things he say/does?"

However, over the past year, at various points, we've revisited the "love thing" (as we call it). We have both come to a greater understanding about the other's reaction and feelings surrounding it. And I've found that to be healing in some ways. It was an opportunity I didn't fully have with ex-MC (because he put barriers up--yes, I understand why he did, but it kept me from working through what happened) and didn't have at all with the teacher. And an opportunity I didn't have with a few other people in my past, like exes or friendships that ended (a few, I was able to process with later).

Bringing this back to you, Scarlet, it could be valuable and, ultimately, healing for you to work through some of this with L when she comes back (and I know you're meeting with her soon, too, but I imagine this is a longer process). It could help you to, for example, express anger at her and tell her you feel abandoned, traumatized, etc., and have her still be there and accept all that and empathize. To realize someone can go away and then come back (which can be difficult for those of us, myself included, with abandonment issues). But the relationship and caring and support and connection are still there (even if it may take some time to really feel that).

You are welcome. The situation from before, about forcing others to accept a specific kind of support, yes I found bullying and toxic. But that's a different topic. Sometimes, like here, I find your support insightful and helpful. While I don't agree with everything, I do agree that this absence does give me the ability to do more of the "work" about myself, in therapy. I'm not sure I agree completely about "seamless attunement". I am not seeking that. It's impossible. No one can completely attune to anyone. Even L was saying that in order to form a child to form a healthy attachment, there only needs to be 30% attunement. Maybe connection is a better word? But even that I don't completely expect. Sure, I'd love to fit in her pocket and her just carry me around, AND at the end of the day, I must go home, on my own, and deal with and cope with life. I think my problem is the length of the leave, the length of the loss of connection. I get that some relationships go through periods of time where there's no communication, but other relationships, there is constant communication. To go from constant to almost none is difficult especially for 3+ months. Like a 1-2 week vacation would be hard, but this is 7x that length. For someone who was encouraged to attach and someone who has abandonment, rejection and favoritism issues, it makes it even more difficult.

Yes, I am complaining and throwing a temper tantrum of sorts, AND I am doing the work. I'm still here and I’m still trying to cope. And I haven't written off L. I haven't canceled anything with her and I haven't stopped communicating with her (though we only talk about issues once a week through emails).

I agree that not everything painful is traumatic. I also disagree that anyone can define traumatic for someone else.

I don't know that my experience in this situation is traumatic. Maybe to a degree? Maybe at the start. But also not based upon my reaction to everything. Sure I've cried and yelled, I'm experiencing grief, depression and anger. But I'm not in any danger of hurting myself or needing hospitalization. Again, at the beginning I was, but not now. I'm learning, rather slowly, how to go about my week without L. Maybe that's progress? Or inevitable growth?

But just because it might not be traumatic to me or you, doesn't mean it's not traumatic for someone else. Look at PTSD and war. Not all soldiers come back with PTSD. There are so many examples of how the same situation results in different outcomes for different people.

Thanks LT. Yes, I agree with all of this. That one, it gives me the opportunity to process, something that you don't usually get to do with "normal" relationships. And two, object constancy. It also teaches me not to throw a relationship away. My family is extremely good at disowning people. Working through issues can be hard for me. Especially when L actually has a lot of things that affect me. But right now, I am trying to hold onto the positives of our relationship (thank goodness there are a ton).

I am wondering about encouragement to be attached and dependent on a therapist. If it contributes to this problem? If you are encouraged dependency, but then are expected to be independent, then it’s a problem. Disconnect.

Do therapists understand that fostering dependency but then taking it away (even for a legitimate reason) is causing a major issue. It’s like they treat you (hypothetically you) like a child but want you to behave like an adult when facing adversity

Yes our family was very throwaway also. My way or the highway. They NEVER apologized. When a parent on some random tv show apologizes, scripted or reality, i always feel like im experiencing an alien visitation!

Then my mother started commenting about ME that i was inflexible. Where the heck did she think i learned it from? I was just doing as i had been taught. That awareness makes it somewhat easier to change, because you can see the reasoning or have different values to support your choices, but dang it is still near impossible to bend that grown-***** tree.

This is my opinion and I understand it may not be a popular, but I think the dependency that was fostered seems pretty problematic. I think part of what is making the leave so painful was the dependency, not the leave in and of itself. I feel like that is on the therapist to manage and control, so the leaves aren’t traumatic.

I have my session with L in two days, and I don't even know what to talk to her about. I just feel so much anger towards her. She knows because I told her in my weekly email Sunday night. I just feel like I have nothing to say to her and that there's nothing she can say to me that would help. I'm in this situation because of her, and now I'm alone without any support. Sure, T will be there in an emergency and our one time session next month. But as far as weekly support, there's no one.

What reassurances could I ask for? That I would believe? I can't think of anything that would be believable and comforting. There's just nothing I can think of that I want out of the session.

Hi Scarlet. I'm not sure how to answer this, the question about reassurances, in part because I struggle with believing reassurances as well.

I guess the question is what you feel you want out of the session. Could it help to just work on connection? I know you've done things before like play a game or ask each other questions. (I would say you could ask more about the baby, but maybe that would make you feel more distanced?)

I saw you posted something in Dear T about not wanting to do a safety plan (hope it's OK to mention that here!) Is it L that wants to do that with you? Or T, when you meet with her? If it's L, I definitely understand your not wanting to spend the session on that (well, with T, too).

Or do you think it might help to get your anger toward her out? The risk with that is, then you might feel more disconnected in the end.

Sorry, I know this probably isn't that helpful! Just trying to give you some things to think about. Consider how you might feel after the session--would you rather feel you've said what you needed to get out? That you tried to reconnect? Something else? There's no right answer--just stuff to think about.

Thanks, LT.

Yes, L wanted to do safety planning with me tomorrow. It just pissed me off even more. She has no right to do safety planning with me. She's not my active therapist. She doesn't get that privilege. I told her so, and she said she understands.

She came up with an agenda: Check in, Grounding, Processing, then Reassurance fears and I love yous. Based upon our past, grounding will be connecting or meditation. I guess processing is talking out my anger.

This session was supposed to be about reconnecting. It was supposed to be a joyful session. Instead, I feel like it will be a tease and salt in the wound.

I think part of my anger is that I'm struggling to hold on anymore. I'm forgetting things. Maybe it's the attachment and transference going away, leaving the painful truths of our relationship? The truth that there have been many many unfair things in our relationship. I feel, that her as a therapist, her life isn't supposed to impact mine as much as it has. No other therapist has put me through so much. It's unfair in a therapeutic relationship.

L did agree that our goal for tomorrow is not to focus on reassurances. That it's more important to focus on truths and talking everything out.

I'm not looking forward to this. Whether it reconnects us or makes us more distant, it's going to hurt. Nothing can improve until she comes back. As I told her, we're at a stalemate.

It's really hard when you're suffering and angry at the person you want comforting from... Tonight, I feel scared of tomorrow. I feel the urge to reach out to L for comforting. But there's nothing she can say or do to bring me comfort. It's just the memory of how she used to comfort me, but she can't. And that makes me more angry. It's turning into a vicious cycle.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, Scarlet. I hope your session today is helpful in some way.

I am sorry too & really hope you can get something out of the session. Let us know how it goes ❤️❤️❤️

Was this a session you had planned in advance when she first went on leave? And now you won't have regular sessions again til she returns to work? I ask because it is interesting how your feelings have changed about the session - from initially wanting it for connection, warmth etc, to now rejecting it because it's (she's?) useless and it's painful. That shift occurring during her absence feels significant. I ask about the one-off nature of the session (as in, this isn't the recommencing of your regular sessions) because that feels disruptive to me, especially given the processes you are going. It almost feels like these processes are private and her dipping in and then out is disorientating and takes you away from yourself.

So sorry Scarlet. I'm also hoping that you can get something good/connecting and helpful out of the session.

The session was planned before she went on leave. It is hard having just one session with her when we're not returning to full-time. It's like a tease: look what you can't have. I guess it is very disruptive because I've been learning to cope without her, and then she comes back in for a minute and then leaves again.

I could cancel the session, but I have a huge fear of missing out. I don't know what I'll miss out on, but I feel like it there's a chance for something good to come of this, then I want that chance.

You said something else that really triggered me, in a good way. You used the word "useless". That reminded me of something L taught me: people are to be loved and objects are to be used, not the other way around. Maybe she is useless to me right now, but that doesn't mean I just stop loving her. Same with all the anger, rage, and hatred, I still love her. Maybe she can't do anything for me, but I don't need to kick her out of my life. Maybe that's what holding on looks like? You just hold into the love when there's nothing else to hold onto?

I don't think you can consciously decide to start or stop loving her anyway so all you can do is process what you feel.

Scarlet, your comment about "holding on" makes me think of this song by Death Cab for Cutie ("Rand McNally Atlas") that I kept listening to while I was having a rupture with Dr. T about a year ago (the "love thing," as we call it). The verses of the songs don't fit, but he keeps repeating in the chorus, "But I won't let the light fade, I won't let the light fade." Then near the end, he says, "I'm holding on, holding on." I saw "the light" being the bond in the relationship, the good stuff that's there. It was easier to run away, to let the light go out. But I wanted to try to push through that, and I'm glad I did.

So I agree with your thoughts on holding onto the love when there might not be something else to hold onto--L being able to see you regularly right now, the unknown future with her, etc. Maybe that's something you can talk about, how to hold onto that?

Well that hurt like hell. Seeing her, doing our routines, getting to spill my guts to someone, only to say goodbye for another 2 months. I'll see if I can remember all we talked about later. For now, I must go distract as I do not feel safe.