Couch 250: An August Couch

Are you of the school of thought that annoying others eventually leads them, like an oyster, to produce pearls from a gritty annoying grain of sand?

@@, wanna double date?

*NSYNC dance trend of?? #dance #dancetrend #nsync - YouTube

You’re going to break SD’s heart.

If only.
Most folks just produce more grit.

Yet again, your R is on the money, while mine seems to have her head in the clouds.
Routine is a key element of stability.

'Not long now before we're back to normal - I'm looking forward to that, and I imagine you are too..'

I felt like I had to say yes, but it's not going to be normal, because she disappeared at a time when I really need her.

I'm talking about this stuff with other people, but the processing happens within our relationship.

R made a rather significant disclosure today about her own alcohol addiction history. It was relevant to the discussion, and I appreciated her sharing it. Makes me feel more like she understands. Not that someone has had to experience something to understand, but still...

We had some other good discussion on other topics as well. Including the balance between not trying to control other people in an attempt to get my needs met, but also not being a people pleaser. I do wish I could see her more regularly. Or as my main T even. Though Dr. T has said it's fine to see her for alcohol stuff when he's in town, as it's a specialty of hers but not his. Same with EMDR, but I haven't discussed that option with her recently.

I'm so glad you had a useful session, LT.

It's almost a shame that you didn't meet her before you met Dr. T - but I suppose if you hadn't met him, then you wouldn't have crossed paths with her.

Couch Workout Club day 31

Three sets of weighted core workout* exercises, plus a walk around the block.

*Weighted core workout is the same as seated core workout, but adding weights.

Doing some cooking today. I roasted a batch of hatch chilis first, now I've got chicken in the air fryer. Not sure what's next on the agenda. Maybe some blueberry muffins again.

Yes, exactly. I'm not sure she was listed on Psychology Today, which is where I found him. And thanks!

I also wonder what would have happened had Dr. T been our marriage counselor instead of ex-MC.

Of course...had I not gone with ex-T, I wouldn't have ended up with ex-MC most likely either. It's because she had earlier availability than whatever other T I contacted at the time. It can be weird how many things happen only as a result of other things. Though who knows? Maybe I would have somehow ended up with Dr. T anyway.

I guess I was tired, instead of doing more cooking I took a nap haha. I was sitting in h's recliner just relaxing, thinking about what to do next, and I noticed it was going on 2pm and I thought oh yeah, I used to see L at 2:30. I closed my eyes then and started 'talking' to her in my head like I still do sometimes when I started seeing these colorful nebula like circles opening and closing they were purples and greens and blues... so pretty... I forgot about talking to L and just watched the circles then next thing I know my phone's ringing and it's over 2 hours later haha! I guess I needed a nap...

I don’t want to be alarmist, but you may want to get your eyes checked. Retinal detachment is a thing.

In my case, I just have an oddly-shaped optic nerve, but I’ve been warned about seeing colored circles, eyes closed or open. Could be nothing, could be something.

Hi Couch,

I haven't had a chance to fit a workout in today, but I got some steps in through meeting up with a friend for coffee.

I'm considering recapping where we left off when I meet R face to face again on the 10th of September, but I don't know whether that would be rude.

We haven't had a chance to talk about my new understanding of Steve's death properly yet, because of when it happened.

I've explained what I know, but couldn't answer her when she asked how that made me feel.

We have a lot to process...and I should have been processing with her all along, but it's profoundly emotionally unsafe to do it online.

Anyone have a secret for being able to go out and do fun things alone? LT, take you for example. You mentioned previously that sometimes you go to concerts alone. I guess I’m just wondering how I can go out and do fun things alone. I have no problem running errands alone or like say walking around a mall alone. But now that we are going into the fall I really enjoy going to fall festivals and sometimes I enjoy going to a winery and listening to some low key live music. (Like there might be someone at a winery playing a guitar doing cover songs). I don’t currently have anyone in my life who enjoy these things but I guess I would feel awkward going alone. I’m wondering how to feel less awkward. Like I would feel weird sitting at a table at a winery all alone listening to music. Or walking around a fall festival alone but I want to be able to do these things. I don’t have a lot of charisma-so it’s not like I am the type of person who kind of “lights up a room” when I walk in. I’m not someone that someone would just approach and start talking with so it’s hard.

Honestly, I think a lot of it just comes from experience doing that. Like, the more you go to things alone, the more comfortable you'll feel. I know that's probably not too helpful!

Maybe try things that are sort of lower-key to do alone. Like, do you ever just, say, go to a coffee shop and sit there alone with a drink while looking at your laptop/tablet/book? Lots of people do that, so it could be a good entry. or if you're going to a place that has a bar, try sitting there, as many people will be there alone (you wouldn't need to get alcohol).

I've had mixed experiences on talking to people. Sometimes, if I feel like it, I'll try to strike up conversation. If it's the winery, for example, something like, "Have you been here before?" or "Have you seen this artist before?" or "Which wine do you like the best?" can work. Like something making note of the shared experience. This will sometimes get people talking, but other times, it becomes clear they don't want to chat, and I just leave it alone. Or like a recent concert, the person next to me was doing embroidery or crochet or something, so I took that as an "I want to be left alone" signal.

Sometimes, people have started talking to me. And I'm not the "light up a room" sort, but I suppose I have a familiar face, so sometimes people will strike up a conversation. And sometimes not. It's very unpredictable.

If it's like walking around a fall festival instead of being in one spot, that seems a bit easier, as you can just wander and no one may even realize you're there alone. Maybe start there?

Definitely all great tips. Thank you. I probably would have an easier time if I was walking around somewhere and not just sitting.

Jersey - wear a baseball cap and sunglasses. People will assume youre someone famous who doesnt want to be bothered.

Great idea! .

I do most things on my own and I don't give it a second thought. It is worth reminding yourself that other people don't care what you are doing - they are busy getting on with their own business.

Agreed! And this makes me think of one time, many years ago, when someone asked how I could go to movies alone. And it was like, I mean, I'm sitting there in the dark while a movie is on the screen--who is paying attention to me?

Now movies in theaters tend to lead to migraines so I avoid them. And I'll just watch stuff on Netflix or Amazon Prime or whatever now. But I went to a few local film festivals years ago by myself and had fun (I still think of this one movie about a rare white baby camel that was born), plus some more popular movies.

Couch Workout Club day 32

Got my steps in walking around the park and in a shop

Since my husband died, I have really had to work on this. I don’t know that there’s a secret to it so much as it has just been something I had to initially force myself to do, but somewhere along the way I have really grown to enjoy the complete “me” time. I don’t have to entertain anyone but myself and that’s rather freeing. I don’t have to keep conversations going or wonder if that friend really wants to do what I want to do.

I get this. The thing is that I have no problem running errands, walking a mall or even walk around a flea market or something. I can do all that just fine alone. I guess the problem areas are when it’s more of an “organized” setting like a winery, concert or festival. I think people would just think I’m weird or something but Comrade made a good point by saying people are just doing their own thing. The H and I are so far apart as far as interest are concerned. And honestly as time goes on we are pretty much just co-existing. I have a couple friends but they have their own lives-busy with the family. I never reproduced so those relationships and me don’t really fit together anymore-though at 45..most of my friends kids are in early, mid, late teenage years. Still their lives are consumed with sports, cheer and other stuff-as it should be. I guess I have to get myself to that point where I actually enjoy my own company and then maybe the rest will be easier.

Couch Workout Club day 33

I did a seated workout from my favourite self-care app.