Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

I did something Zentangle-esque in an art therapy session, just drawing the same squiggle over and over. It was supposed to be relaxing. As this process went on it started to feel very repetitive which felt like just how my life feels. I got more and more upset doing this activity. I finally told her enough, but I probably should have told her it was depressing the hell out of me to do this. I really like the way Zentangles look, especially when they do shading on them.

People have all sorts of ways of coming out - religion added into the mix almost never makes it better. I came out somewhat easier than some of my friends because for me - it was just who I was and I never would be good at hiding, plus I was already well on my way to rejecting religion altogether so the sin/god/burn in hell part did not cause me much concern. Telling my mother and father was challenging for me like it is for a good number of people. I was not disowned but my spouse was disowned and told she was going to burn in hell for eternity and so on. It is always scary because people you love might abandon you. My sibling has had a hell of a time - he hid and lied to himself and is still, 60 yrs later, wresting about it even knowing about me and that my life has, within reason, been not limited because of my orientation.

I came out in late high school/college in the 70s. It was a relief to know I could feel what others described - ways I never felt about men but I felt it for women. For me - it was I could either just accept it or I would have had to live half a life. That is what my sibling chose - for him it has been a 60 yr struggle to accept himself and not worry about what others say or think or think. When I came out, we were illegal, it had just stopped being in the dsm as a mental disease or defect, and people got beat up by straights a lot.

If, as I recall, the guy you knew was from texas or alabama or somewhere in the south - a book like this might give you some insight into southern coming out - Crooked Letter i: Coming Out in the South. Crooked Letter i

Often people who have chosen a faith - particularly southern evangelical backgrounds(fundamental protestants usually) have a very hard time with the whole it is a sin thing/burn in hell/if you just loved whichever god involved enough you would not act like that and so on. I know of 2 ministers who committed suicide over being lgbtq (one was the pastor of the church a good (gay) friend of mine went to and the whole congregation was upset by his death - his note talked about reconciling being a gay minister with the church stance).
Denying who you are, being unable to accept who you are, and trying to fit into some other identity set by society or your understanding of what makes one a good X (man, woman, religious thing, son, daughter, etc) -is not great for mental health.

Southern Queers: New Study Reveals the Reality of LGBTQ+ People in the South

Thank you so much, SD.

You are correct - Steve lived in Alabama.
I really appreciate your generosity in sharing your experience, and the resources.

Hi Couch,

I was pleasantly surprised to receive an email from my contact at the helpline today.
She apologised for her absence, and we've set up a time to speak on Friday, because she's not available next Monday.

I have two more workshops of this block for work, and then a break until after Easter.

I'm relieved, because walking through the space where I had the conversation about Julio remains difficult.

Tonight is not going so well.


It was partly a reaction to her possibly not having school tomorrow due to it snowing now and her fearing being bored, but it still hurt to hear. First time she's gone that far.

Ouch, LT. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. Sending good/healing thoughts your way.

I’m sorry, LT. Children often times don’t like their parents, but that must have hurt.

So one of our dogs is sick. We thought it was one in particular. Been feeding her a special bland diet. Wasn’t working so we called the vet. I don’t want to be gross or inappropriate, but basically we just discovered that that dog is not sick…We’ve now narrowed it down to 2 dogs. We’re assuming it’s the older one because we just switched her food. But now we have to tell the vet we tested the wrong dog!!!

Thanks, Artie and Scarlet--I appreciate the support.

Hugs, Scarlet. I hope you can figure out which dog it is and make them better--I know your dogs mean a lot to you.

Oh LT-that’s so hard. I’m sorry. I sent you a PM.

No matter how able you are to contextualise what she said and why she might have said it, it is painful thing to be on the receiving end of such statements. I am sure you don't need mothering advice from a childless stranger on the internet, but it is ok for you to hold your boundary of self-worth and tell her that you don't want her to speak to you like that. Obviously, a time and a place for that discussion, but it feels important that you don't lose yourself amongst your ability to care for and empathise with D.

Thanks, Jersey. I'll take a look.

Thanks, Comrade. I appreciate the support and kind words. I did tell her it wasn't OK for her to say that, and H also said that (though a bit more forcefully).

I am so sorry, LT. I didn't have words when I first read your post.

Is K still in the picture?

It is hard to think that D resorts to such terms when she's feeling overwhelmed by something outside anyone's control.

I imagine that's exactly why she expresses herself in such a way - she feels like things are completely out of (her) control.

I was SO SURE my dad was going to support me when i told him he had to make my mother move out because she was always mean to me. It was quite a surprise when he informed me she was a member of the family and that she would be staying. I had assumed she was just a lodger. But i think she backed off after that.

Isnt this the oedipal phase? Combined with teenage phase of hating the parents.

So - she doesnt want to hear bad news from you, like no school.

Thanks, Lost. Yes, we saw K last week, and she had some helpful resources from a colleague who works with autistic kids at a local Children's Hospital. We just need to start putting some of them in place. H actually said later that it was "helpful" (he had "cooled on her" after the previous meeting).

I agree that it's due to her being overwhelmed--same with the hitting/kicking and property destruction at school, though she did better last week (she's home today for yet another snow day).

We also have a new medication we're trying her on to see if that helps.

And we have a meeting with the school with an outside occupational therapist at the end of the month to see if any of those services could be helpful her to. That was something K suggested, that she could need more support for sensory issues at school and at home--both sensory seeking, like movement, and avoidance, with sound, though she does wear headphones at school sometimes.

I agree. Including hitting/kicking at school. My mom said to me recently, "You need to let her know that hitting and kicking isn't OK." Like we haven't taught her right from wrong. D knows it's not OK, and her teacher also acknowledged that she is aware what she's doing is wrong and feels bad about it. I think she's going with "fight" rather than flight or freeze (I tend to go with the two latter options).

Glad your mother backed off some after that. D has asked before how long I have to live here.

Yeah, I think it's a complicated mix of teenage hormones plus autism plus some intellectual disability. And in this case, it's sort of the "shoot the messenger" in terms of bad news. I don't want it to snow either! I'm very done with this winter.

I wonder, too, if it's because she feels "safer" with me, like I'm much less likely to yell at her vs. H (I do yell on occasion when she's clearly intentionally defying me when I told her to not do something--like I say "Stop doing [unsafe thing]," she looks at me, keeps doing it, and laughs). So she can act out with me.

I know your daughter's needs are important, but just because you're a mom doesn't mean you quit being a human being with your own needs. You matter too. Maybe dad should deliver news that's going to upset her so you don't take the brunt of it.

It's only been 9 days since having a video session with P. It feels way longer. I'm not looking forward to the last time we speak. He's not either, so at least the feeling is mutual. Doesn't make this any easier. I am glad he at least told me how he's feeling about it.

LT, I’m sorry to hear things have gotten so complicated with D.

What does the future hold for her? What does she want to do with her life? Are you thinking past high school?

LT - I am sure it is hard - I hope some of the programs can help.

H is such a b00b. He knows I am on my poetry zoom call and trying to listen and he's walking around belching loudly, slamming the microwave door, dropping stuff, etc. Because I wasn't heating up a hamburger for him. Boo ****ing hoo jackwipe. I am NOT missing this presentation. Make your own food!