Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

Could you do the very start of some other project (even not something you plan to finish) and tell her you're working on that? Like, I don't know, a scarf for yourself or H, say. If you started it, even just a few stitches/rows, then you wouldn't be lying. Or say that you're just trying out a new pattern (I think you are for her blanket, right?)

Thanks, LT! I may just do that. Then I'm not technically lying to her. Yes, this is a completely new project/pattern for her blanket. I'm not even sure if I'm skilled enough tbh.

She'll still be curious, but I can also be honest if I say I'm not ready to talk about it. I just hate how somehow she latched on to getting me to crochet again. It's scary how in sync we can be.

You're skilled enough. just take it one stitch at a time! You can do it!

I know you want to surprise her, but i think she would prefer your honesty to any surprise. I really dont feel good about this. Sorry to be so blunt.

No. Thank you, Luna. You're right. A surprise isn't worth the integrity of our relationship. I just wish that crocheting never got in her head. Then it could be a surprise and honest.

I used to be able to pull off a cute, "Stop asking me! I'm trying to surprise you!" but i might be too old for that now!

Maybe you could be honest with her and tell her you don’t want to lie but you don’t want to tell her cause it’s a surprise. A good surprise. And that you’re not going to say anything else, but you do have yarn and you’re working and it’s a good surprise. That would be clear enough that she’d get it and it wouldn’t dishonest at all, but you wouldn’t be disclosing any details of what you’re doing, so still some surprise remaining.

Thank you all! I left it up to her. I told her I had a surprise for her that I lied about. She told me that that type of lie is not the same as the ones that would jeopardize our honesty first policy. She told me to try keeping it a surprise for now and afterwards we'll process how it felt, what it meant, etc.

Goatee, I think if she brings up the yarn again, I will say I did buy some. If she encourages a project... I'm going to just say that I don't want to talk about it right now. That way there's no more lies and hopefully no more encouraging.

I know she will appreciate this especially with all the difficulties I've had. I know she will see my effort and my heart in all of it. It's my peace offering, to make ammends, and to give my love.

I was up stupid early this morning so I went back and read the first two couch threads ever made. The difference between then and now when I was totally wrapped up in therapy and the therapist was crazy to read. I can’t understand the place I was in back then. (Those couch threads go back to 2011/2012). You won’t find them under my name as it’s been changed multiple times.) Anyway-the attachment to the therapist and those sessions and how she was practically the end all and be all to my existence back then is baffling to me. I don’t know how I was in so deep but I’m glad it’s not a part of my life anymore.

Okay groceries in - just lettuce cukes and fruit. Everything else is shelf stable from amazon. Zero sugar bushs baked beans is my new um gas engine! Digging on some canned baba gannoush. Actually making it to day 5 of weight watchers without ordering pizza, but i had like 75 pct of my food for today at breakfast! Its okay, i havent been hungry. I plan to have a salad and a fiber one brownie for dinner with Poirot.

Interesting. I'm going to go back and find some of my early couch posts....

Artie..I had trouble because I have a different user name but I knew from context which were mine so it’s probably going to be similar for you.

I'm glad reading that helped you feel better about how you're doing now. It can definitely be jarring to read things like that.

I've felt similarly recently reading old posts regarding ex-MC and especially emails to him and ex-T (I kept them). I felt embarrassed for my old self for some of the emails especially. They were just so long and included soooo many random details. It helps me to see how, even though I (obviously!) have attachment to and some transference for Dr. T, I'm also in a different place now.

Incidentally, my big rupture with ex-MC (involving the "I love you so much" email after the concert and the awful phone call that resulted from it) was almost 7 years ago (was in early December).

I can’t believe that was 7 years ago. Isn’t it crazy how time can feel like it’s standing still yet go by so fast..

The more time you have lived, the less the time you are living seems in comparison. But it is the same amount of time!

Scarlet, I think the blanket is such a wonderful thing, especially if you have told L, but even otherwise. It sounds both like something you are processing with the situation as well as your therapy, while putting it into art in some way. I think it's great!

Me myself, just had my last "first teaching experience lesson" (while already teaching, job world is funny), now I'm anxiously waiting for partner to get up. He for some reason lost it again tonight while nothing at all happened plus two sleepy sentences exchanged in the morning. While I don't think he's practically wrong about any of his issues, I don't have the energy to deal with it anymore... however, he's of course hyperfocused on me not leaving him. Kind of sucks.

I better not post this week. I am mean and cranky. I never do well at holidays. I get very short tempered. I apologize.

CNS - I'm sorry you're going through that with your partner. Remember to take care of you in all of this. And if somehow you can get a break? Though breaks can be easier said than done, least for me.

Thanks about the blanket. I am really trying. You know what's interesting? Hearing it's a girl was so difficult for me. It cut deep into my griefs. After a little bit of time now, it's actually helping come to terms with it all. Like I'm not just accepting it's a girl, but that it's really a baby. I don't know if that made snese. So I'm kind of excited for the blanket. I get my yarn today I think! Nervous to start, too.

Ugh, that sounds really difficult with your partner. Hugs to you if wanted. Is he in therapy, or is he willing to try that, whether with you or solo? So that you aren't the main one dealing with it? I'm sure my H is glad I outsource some of my issues...

Agreed about the passage of time. My former high school teacher (the one for whom I had what I now realize was transference) once said something about how time seems to go slowly before a certain age--maybe 27? Then that year it seems to go at a normal pace. Then once you're older than, it seems to go much more quickly. At 47 now, I agree with that, in general. I keep feeling like, "How is it the weekend again already?" Of course, sometimes time can feel like it takes forever.

Time went so fast in my 30's. I don't remember really anything about those 10 years. I remember my 20's. Now in my 40's, it's still going fast.

Why do good times go fast and bad times go slow? Like when you're in something, it feels like it will never end. It should be opposite. Good times should be long and drawn out.

Just a thought, but you made a blanket for baby #1? She probably suspects you're making a blanket. If you tell her you're making a blanket, the color/pattern would still be a surprise. You wouldn't have to tell a white lie.

At 62, every year speeds by more quickly than the last. I have no clue how my son is already 26. Blows my mind. At this rate he's gonna be 30 next week...

Thanks, NP. I'm still struggling with the lie even though I have her permission. I see her in 10mins. I still don't know what to do. She might suspect I'll do a blanket for her, but then again, she really doesn't assume or guess at things. But you're right. The design and color she will not know. Well, she knows I made flowers years ago for my hopeful child. And I did tell her if she ever had a girl, I'd finish the blanket for her. But this new pattern is prettier and I'm using different colors (mine was blues, greens, and purples while hers will be every color). Ugh!

Update: I told her about the yarn and blanket. But I told her the color and design will be a surprise. We then talked and both cried about my dream and grief of having a little girl. I changed topic for the rest of the session.

I'm glad I told her the truth, but she seemed almost sad that I couldn't keep the lie. She said she doesn't want me to feel like I have to be perfect or good. She wants me to play in the sandbox, not constantly being afraid of bombs.

Thank you all for your input. In the end, I'm glad I told her. A huge weight has been lifted off me.

But I like you best when you are mean and cranky!

Thanks Scarlet and LT. I have a regular break in that I have my own place and stay there for 3-4 days a week. He's not happy about that, I appreciate it though.

LT, I brought up therapy this weekend again, while he mostly seems to be stuck in "I'm too smart for others to tell me what to do", he seemed to be willing to try some stuff to "save the relationship". Not sure how that would go.

Meanwhile, I continue to enjoy teaching. I try to make my exercises and exams hit close to home, so one part in today's exam was figure out what temperatures spaghetti and tomato sauce reach when you put hot spaghetti into cold sauce. (ie cooked pasta with out of the fridge sauce)