Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

I'm feeling really triggered after today's session with my prescriber. I really want to talk to P right now. I'm feeling upset because he's been the person who helps me hold my trauma, if that makes sense, and I'm about to lose that. I don't want to feel adrift when he's gone.

So sorry, NP.

Once you've had a relationship like that and it's threatened or you know it's gong to end...that's a really hard place to be.

What you’re feeling is valid and important. Losing someone who has held such an essential role in your healing can bring up feelings of being adrift. It’s okay to grieve the change—it’s a testament to how meaningful the relationship has been for you.

Right now, focusing on the present can help ease the feeling of being overwhelmed. Take a few slow breaths. If it helps, remind yourself of something that anchors you—a comforting object, a phrase, or even a memory of a time when you felt supported by P.

Ask yourself: What would P say to me right now if he were here? Sometimes channeling their compassion toward yourself can help soothe those feelings of being untethered.

Though you’re facing this big shift, how can continue to support the work you’ve done with P afterwards? Have you already started looking for another T? Perhaps it would be easier if you had extra support in your corner right now as you transition away from P?

Transitions are hard, but they can also be moments of growth. If you're feeling adrift, remind yourself that you’ve already come so far and have the strength to navigate this new chapter, even when it feels uncertain.

If you’ve ever watched Grey’s: "He is not the sun. You are."

While P has been a significant source of support, the strength, healing, and progress you've achieved is ultimately yours. You are the central figure in your journey, and even with this transition, you/ the sun continues to shine.His role was to help guide and reflect that light back to you.

You are the source of your own growth and resilience. He does not define your capacity to heal.

Personally I think dragging out his leaving has not been kinder for you. A clear date from the start would have been more beneficial. I might be wrong, but hasn’t this been going on since before 2021?

I'm sorry, NP. Hugs if wanted.

*curls up on Couch, whimpers*

Virtual sessions derail conversations, and now I have to hold stuff that I need to talk about with R in person for another week.

How are you feeling Art?

That sounds really tough.

Maybe jotting your thoughts down somewhere (a journal or even a quick iphone note) could help you offload them a bit until your in-person session. It doesn’t solve the wait, but it might ease some of the mental load.

Hang in there, you’re doing the best you can in a less-than-ideal situation.

thanks for asking. i'm thinking it's time to start more aggressively planning my retirement. I had wanted to wait until 67 (full retirement age for social security) but given h's constant health problems and now this disgusting change at work, I'm back to planning to start collecting social security at 65 as soon as I can go on Medicare for insurance and retire from current job, then work part-time somewhere not so mentally stressful. Only what, 32 more months....

I had my first Maths trial lesson today.

I was nervous, but he was really nice and I'm going to continue with him. I got a B grade at GCSE in the end, but I still have the "I am dumb" mentality and I was told by a temp maths teacher in year 11 that I was "slow".

I really did let other people's opinion of me matter more than my own.

So hopefully he will help me change that.

Art it sounds like you're making some very thoughtful and proactive adjustments to your retirement plan in light of H's health and the recent changes at work.

Retiring from your current job and shifting to part-time work in a less stressful environment could provide the balance you're seeking while still allowing you to maintain financial stability.

32 more months might feel like a long time now, but breaking it down into manageable steps can make the process feel more achievable. We can only ever handle one day at a time. You’re clearly taking control of your future, and it’ll all come together when the time is right.

On a side note perhaps you could consider working with a financial advisor ?

Since you’re also thinking of part-time work, maybe you could try to find something you’re passionate about as well that would bring you joy. You always loved swimming.

We need some Cool Whip here, stat.
What do you like to put on top of your pie? I am partial to fresh whipped cream myself, maybe with a little vanilla.

I'll take vanilla ice cream, please! Even on pumpkin pie. Not the biggest fan of whipped cream for some reason. I liked actual Cool Whip as a kid, but haven't had it in ages, so unsure how I'd feel now.

I'm not really a dessert person in general, though, aside from cookies. I've become particularly hooked on gingersnaps lately. I guess I could switch to gingerbread people to be more seasonal!

Belated hugs, NP. Have you been able to talk to P since then?

It completely makes sense, your fear of feeling adrift. P has been a source of support for you for a long time. I think he'd said he could still do virtual sessions, maybe once a week--is that still an option? Maybe just as needed, not a regular thing, if you'd prefer it that way. Do you plan to look for a new T at all?

Realized I never replied to this. This is a good thought, CNS, but it's pretty clear that she just doesn't want me around. For example, just now, she was coming down the stairs and said, "Oh, no, Mommy's in the kitchen." I said no, that I was just in the living room, not the kitchen. So she went ahead and went into the kitchen. That's likely a bad example. But times she has come in the kitchen and asked why I'm there, if I say I'm making something to eat, she still seems upset, sometimes to the point of acting like she's going to kick me (like doing a kicking motion from a distance).

I met with the child psychologist, K, Thursday, and she suggested just ignoring her or responding neutrally when D does things like that. So I'm trying to do that for now as best I can.

WFS-I enjoy vanilla ice cream or just some Reddi wip out of the can. I like the extra-creamy one out of the blue can but if Vanilla ice cream is available that’s the first choice.

I just had peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream a few nights ago. I've never had hot pie with ice cream, but it was yummy.

Well, this week has sucked for teeth problems. My poor 12 year old dog has a tooth abscess and is having surgery Wednesday. And H broke the root of a tooth? And is having surgery right now. All money we don't have, but it's 100% necessary. And at some point, I'll need all my lowers pulled and a denture. I'm waiting on mine for as long as possible.

You all have inspired me- I think I will pick up some vanilla ice cream for Thanksgiving pie.

Scarlet, the idea of peach cobbler is making my mouth water. I love peaches.

So I have a problem. I try to keep my problems to my own threads, but I think this problem is okay to post here. I'm trying to keep secret from L that I'm making her a baby blanket. She wants me to re-pick up crocheting to keep myself busy. She keeps telling me to go buy yarn... I keep telling her I can't. I can't stand lying to her, but this secret is extremely important to me. Any advice or encouragement?

Hey Scarlet,

That's a lovely problem to have. 😊

If you said you were crocheting again, could you leave it at that...or do you think she'd want to know more about what you are working on?

Hugs,

Lost

Yeah, we've had a session, but I also asked him to call me that day and he did.

I haven't asked about virtual sessions again. Honestly, I'm not sure that would be the best thing for me. I don't want to stop seeing him, but I wonder if a clean break, in person, would be easier somehow. I'm also afraid he's changed his mind and it's not on the table any more. I have not made a decision about finding a new T. I don't think I'm going to find the same connection that I have with P again. And I have a prescriber that I meet with semi-regularly, so that's something.

I don't have any choice but to do this, but I can't do this.

Thanks Lost. That's my fear. If she knows I have yarn, then maybe she'll want to know the project. So I'd have to lie to her again. I wouldn't be worrying about lying, but this is the second time she's brought it up. Now she wants me to do some deep thinking about why I won't buy yarn...lol. I think this is going to go on for awhile.

NP, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It's not fair that you can't do this on your own terms, when you're ready.

Hugs, Scarlet. Hope your H's surgery went OK and that your dog's goes OK this week.

I'm glad he called you that day. And I understand your being uncertain of whether a clean break would be better. Maybe see if he mentions again about virtual? And if so, you could still do a regular ending, but just know that's a backup option if needed?

Same with looking for a new T--you could see how you feel later. You might not be able to have the same connection, but you could have one that's valuable in its own way. You may need time to grieve the loss of P first though.