[corbie]

It all started in an institution providing IOP-like (not sure how that works, but sounds like it should be similar enough) complex group therapy treatment.

0. She only just started working there with no previous experience in that sort of setting, so there was a lot of pressure on her. On me as well, because of the limited time and intensity. Even though I promised myself I wouldn't let (perceived?) pressure and expectations get to me, they did. Even so, the beginning of the relationship was promising, I was able to trust her more and more.

1. Not unrelated to the previous point - normally one-on-one time is supposed to be minimal after the first 3 weeks, but she did individual sessions for longer with people she thought needed it, e.g. me. That was probably part of the reason why a deeper attachment started to form. Alas, the rest of the staff disagreed with her, so these sessions were stopped. In hindsight, that was the wrong thing to do, at a tough time, and this early rupture was almost certainly the main source of our troubles.

2. This semi-abandonment brought up some childhood trauma and also triggered a specific type of transference brought on (as I later figured out with next T) by unavailable idealised mother figures, that I actively wanted to avoid. Actually, pretty much all trauma I ever had was unearthed for one reason or another. There was no time or space to work with much of it, meanwhile they were pushing me to take on certain responsibilities (as part of the therapy) that I was sure were not the way forward at that point (one of my big regrets from that time is that I gave in). Basically, things started going downhill, my sense of safety (with the staff) pretty much gone by the end of it. I tried to hold on to my trust in ex-T, but she made this really difficult, since (and, this was her first major f-up I think) she started taking it personally that I'm not showing enough improvement.

3. At the end of the therapy, I had a lot of partially processed and nearly unprocessed trauma, feeling unseen and utterly rejected by ex-T - she pretty much ignored my SA trauma that I felt I needed the most urgent help with, she was not only not supportive of my post therapy plan, but was outright against it (thankfully I had the sense not to listen to her). I mean, a lot of improvement came out of the process, so it was absolutely worth it altogether, but I also practically needed therapy for the whole process and all the stuff that came up. And it very much looked like I couldn't count on ex-T for that.

4. There were 3 'control' appointments afterwards, the first a few weeks later (I think that one might have made things worse), the other two in 3-4 months, after I did a lot of processing on my own (some of the worst few months I've ever had, but mercifully distant now). Anyway, she was somewhat defensive, but we had a productive discussion, a long way from where we were before, with areas that clearly needed a lot more work (in hindsight, I guess it was only clear to me). But it seemed like it might be possible to repair the relationship.

5. So, after a few more months we started working in a NHS-equivalent supported setting. It was waaaayyyy slower than I liked and very stressful and she was being defensive a lot, and I was thinking maybe I should write her off as hopeless, but she kind of came through. It wasn't nearly enough to heal all the previous damage, but she was listening, engaging with stuff, taking responsibility for / explaining her side of part of the issues.

6. It seemed like a good idea to make the process more intense by also seeing her in private. This was partially helpful, however things started going wrong again, because I still wanted to focus on processing the mountain of issues from earlier, whereas she wanted to add new goals. SO again it was getting harder and slower than I liked, but still we got to a point where enough of the old stuff was processed (or so I thought) that I felt like we could try to move onto other topics. That kind of worked for several months, but things weren't quite right, like the ways she could work well and the ways I could work well didn't have enough overlap, and more old stuff kept coming up too.

7. At one point I was like, OK, now would work as a stop-off point, but it'd be better if we could figure out a way to move forward. We have 3 sessions before Easter break, can we spend that time on figuring it out? And the first of those sessions was pretty good except for one bit of wording that made me feel misunderstood. Then the next session was complete disaster. Part of the problem was that something borderline traumatic happened in between, but I did not start with that because I wanted to get the thing from the previous week 'out of the way' first. Because I did not anticipate that it'd become a major issue. But maybe I was more upset because of the other thing than I noticed , or for whatever reason, instead of saying smthg like 'ok sure I won't use that wording if it bothers you' or even 'oh really, let's talk about it', she started arguing. With my ****ing feelings. That she was right because this transference or that. So I got angry. Very. Not proud of. Then I remembered that the other thing might be making me react worse than I normally would, so I told her about that. She ****ing smiled. It was the nervous smile that she sometimes had when she was about to say something I wasn't going to like. But my anger exploded before I could process that. And anyway, the reason for the nervous smile was that she was bringing up another ****ing transference. So **** her passive-aggressive ***. I mean, I did go overboard and ashamed of that, but also, WTF ex-T. Much the same **** she did at the end of the old therapy, that I thought we processed and she understood, only even worse and with less of an excuse. Still angry if I think of it. In case you couldn't tell lol. And also feel incredibly stupid, because I should have known that it needed more work, I did know, in fact, only it was really hard work and I felt like the asshole for forcing it as much as I did, and I was too attached to seriously consider quitting back when the processing happened, so as soon as I got the slightest hint of her understanding and taking responsibility for any particular issue, I convinced myself it'd be OK.

8. Anyhow, that was some bloody strong counter-transference there, and with some flashes of understanding and actual communication and some humane moments that made it kinda maybe worth it, it only got steadily worse. Not helped by the Easter break. The last session before ... actually, even towards the end of the disaster session ... it looked like we started processing the thing and she was having one of those humane moments and I was still very angry so I don't know if I came across outright hurtful but I certainly couldn't switch to appreciative that quickly so I probably did. And I don't know if it was that or her natural avoidant tendencies (self-reported) or whatever, but after the break it was as if that session never happened. Or the whole conflict. Anyway, it took a further few months (of trying to discuss the matter and find a way to re-repair the relationship) for me to admit defeat and terminate. Last session was semi-reassuring but also not really. Then my father died.

9. After a few months I contacted her to see if she's more ready to look at those last months and maybe piece together wth happened, because, it felt like it must be some stupid misunderstanding. In fact, from what I understand, it really was. It just went way deeper than the cognitive level. Again, it started surprisingly well, but she couldn't abandon the notion that I'm trying to guilt her when I try to talk about how unseen and abandoned I feel. I mean cognitively she could, but emotionally only for brief moments, which still helped some, but not really. And I'm sure I misunderstood a great deal, except it was nearly impossible to get a straight answer out of her, so I'll never know. I certainly kept getting angry at her, no matter how determined I was not to. Much of it was transference, I'm sure, but she said some really wild stuff too. Like my "favourite": 'I can't feel bad about <all the **** that went down> because I "only" re-traumatised you'. Complete with the "", which somehow made it worse. So she basically made it all about herself. And again the last session was semi-reassuring, and I could tell she really did try, and there was some degree of awareness on her part (of how this whole thing affects me), but also not really.

10. When I started working with my next T, she remarked that these things are really best worked out with the original T, so without being clear on how she imagined that (bad idea), I contacted ex-T saying that I'm planning to work on this and does she want to contribute and of course it's fine if not. She answered with some BS-sounding stuff that indicated she was totally oblivious about my mental state and what I needed, so I stupidly wrote back to clarify. By the time I got out of that exchange, I felt like I barely escaped getting sucked into a swamp.

11. Nearly a year of break, then ex-T suddenly showed up in the store I worked at. WTF. Oh, she's training to be a group analyst and it's just across from the store, seriously, what are the chances ... oh well, at least it's only every couple months and I might not work on those days. After the 2nd such visit I emailed her again, this time I made sure I only wrote stuff that was more important to say than to get an answer to. Which was a good thing because I got an offensively stuck-up therapisty answer. Responded to that (same strategy), no answer.

12. Then I thankfully didn't see her for a long time and started to think her training must have ended, but the she showed up again one day. A few months after *that* I decided to quit that job. I didn't want to risk her showing up again just when I finally, hopefully, put the thing back under the rug, so I emailed her saying that the last time I'm there is in September and if she still has training then can she please not come in. She said sure, of course. Then I felt like this was not quite right, yes I was protecting myself in one way but failed to protect myself on a deeper level. So I wrote her another email with all the stuff I was holding back previously, called out some of her more offensive probably-BS, told her the therapy should have been about my needs, not about whether she made a mistake or not, also told her that I remain open to actual discussion if she ever feels like, which of course she won't.

13. Come September, she did show up on my very last day at work. Funnily enough, had I not been asked to stay overtime, I would have been gone by the time she came. Anyway, I didn't mind too much because working on the email kept the matter fresher than I expected at the time I asked her not to, and also at least this way I know for sure. She was very apologetic, even though I said I didn't mind, and it really did feel appropriate somehow. I mean, I *was* upset at seeing her, so she probably saw that and didn't believe me lol.

14. Unexpectedly, in November (not the last one, the one before) she sent a brief response to my email (from 3 months prior). It was quite surreal, not sure why she decided to, and why then. Not that I'm complaining. It wasn't much, mostly evasive but at least acknowledged that yeah something wasn't right. Which is loads better than the therapy-BS I got previously. So this was where we were last.

All the while I was processing this stuff with my T as needed, and with that last email and quitting the job I felt OK with it.

Now, she's been on my mind a lot lately, and it's getting worse so far. I considered contacting her again, because it seems that the part of me that wants to stay attached won't accept anything that doesn't work towards keeping a thread of connection at least (even while my angry parts call her all kinds of stupid for it), and I thought I could cope with no answer or even ****** answer. But I know I keep underestimating the effect she has on me. Evidenced by the fact that not only do I keep thinking of her, I started spiralling, not as bad as I used to, but still. I thought I was over this ****. So now I'm not sure. I'll see how much posting this helps or not.

[Therapy reviewed]

As hard as it is you're going to have to grief that relationship.. Hopefully with a capable therapist. It doesn't have to be with the one you're grieving. Grief is painful and circular until we find someone that can help us step out of it.

[corbie]

Thanks Alas, my capable therapist went on to have a baby. Were she available, I'd definitely book a few sessions with her for this, but I'm not in a good place to start a whole new therapy right now. So I'm just throwing at it whatever I think might help :shrug:

[corbie]

Update: on a more positive note, the mere fact that I managed to write that outline is a huge progress. I wouldn't have been able to do that last time I was on these boards. It's quite useful to see it like that. Also, the length of the paragraphs and especially the number of *-s is a good indicator of what I still need to work on I'm surprised how much anger I still had over this. Turns out that good-naturedly discussing in next therapy how angry I was didn't do much to actually release that anger. Swearing on message boards does a much better job

I mean, to be fair, when she was good, she was good. But that made it feel all the more like a betrayal when she just wouldn't / couldn't. And it sucks that we couldn't get to the bottom of these transferences and projections and whatnot, feels like there's something important still buried there. And the same sort of transference didn't develop with my next T - which is mostly a relief, but on the flip side it limited our ability to really dig into it Anyway, I don't regret persisting with this, because I got some things out of it that I needed badly and likely would not have gotten otherwise. It's kind of like overpaying 10x and getting stabbed in the process, but still feeling like it was an OK deal ... made slightly better or slightly worse (depending on my frame of mind) by the fact that she was probably nursing a black eye in the aftermath I should probably take a tally, it might be helpful in the same way writing the overview was, but ... not now.

I did email her BTW, literally just saying that I've been thinking of her/don't think that's a good direction ATM/I have a reason to think this'll help/hope it's no trouble/feel free to ignore (only slightly more formal than that). I think it did help, though not exactly in the way I hoped.

It's great that writing this out and posting it for others to read has helped you. Therapy ending in a painful way is a complicated thing to process and it takes time. Healing from it takes many different attempts and iterations. I am interested in how you and your therapist have come into contact and gone out of contact in various ways. It is like it has ended, but there is still a thread of some kind between you - that in itself is not straightforward.

[corbie]

Yeah, that's weird. I'm pretty sure both of us found (or still find, at least in my case) it difficult to let go of this relationship. And I know trauma bonding is a thing, and some of my difficulty came from that, but it's also a lot more complex than that, because transference and because of the way I was (am) using the relationship. Even so, I don't know if I 'd had the guts to contact her out of the blue (after that one attempt when I started seeing next T), it might have felt too inappropriate, because boundaries, and also her obviously closed off attitude. So in a way it was convenient that she kept showing up in the store, since it gave me an excuse to make further attempts at communication which in turn helped to process and articulate my feelings.

In a way it was hurtful as well, because stuff kept being dredged up more than it would have otherwise (in fact, next T thought it was odd she didn't stop coming in at least after the first email I sent her) ... but I think it was for the better. 'Helping' me bury that stuff would not in fact have helped, and this way I was both forced to deal with it and given a 'pass' to keep using the (supposedly therapeutic) relationship in ways I thought were therapeutic. I mean, it'd have been a great deal more therapeutic if she engaged in meaningful communication, and her repeated refusal to do so hurt a lot, but I still preferred it to the stereotypical 'boundaried' therapist reaction. Mind you, at each point I made it clear that if she asked me to stop contacting her, I would. She never took me up on it.

I guess I might work in super weird ways? I certainly find myself going against conventional wisdom a lot. Not to say it always works out, and I certainly struggle not to doubt myself while doing so. But the only sensible option at this point is to keep trusting my gut, which tells me to do whatever is most likely to keep the connection alive, while not letting myself dwell on it too much.

At least if I **** up, I'll actually learn something, as opposed to wondering once again 'what would have happened if', lol.