L’s Maternity Leave

49 days. 7 weeks. Almost half way. We’re still talking at least every other day. Surprisingly, she’s not triggering me. Not like she used to.

I am so overwhelmed with everything. L, T, H’s jobs, one of my 4 dogs have diarrhea and we can’t figure out who (they are pad trained and go on their own), I’m having the rest of my teeth pulled, court, insurance, waiting for an ombudsman to contact me, my mom needs help with paperwork to retire, meds, treatment starts Monday.

To be honest, I’m scared of the treatment. I’m putting another drug in my body. All I’ve heard is good things, but I’m worried about ****ing up my brain. I don’t even know what the positive will feel like. No more SI? No more anxiety? I get myself to socialize and do things? Confidence? Am I just happy? And how bad will the side effects be for me? Nausea, vomiting, dissociating? And how strong. I’m just scared.

Exactly.

Given everything you're going through, it would be helpful to have a record of what they said.

Hugs, Scarlet. You're really dealing with a lot right now. And you seem to be handling it as well as could be expected, especially with L away and T not offering much in the type of support you want (and now not likely available except in a crisis due to the insurance issue). You're also advocating for yourself, iin terms of insurance, pdoc, etc. Try to give yourself credit for all that.

And it makes total sense that you'd be anxious about the new treatment. I'd ask any questions you feel you need to ask. I hope it's helpful.

Thank you Lost and LT. I am trying very hard to hold everything.

But people seem to think they know better than me. Pdoc won’t take me off Lithium. She’d rather me treat the symptoms like hair loss than the source. And she doesn’t even believe it’s the Lithium. She thinks it’s age and that I should use rogaine and take vitamins. And the analyst signed me up for the independent expert without my permission. The expert now wants 6 months of medical records from L. Like she’s on maternity leave… How are we supposed to do that? That’s the whole point of this problem: L’s on maternity leave. And insurance determing that I don’t need T. Just because I have mental health issues doesn’t mean I’m incompetent.

L is awesome. She can’t give the expert my medical records for a few reasons. And she told me to not consent to giving them her notes. It’s too invasive. She is willing to do a short phone call with the expert. I hope the expert is willing to talk to her.

You know what I just realized: L can make time for a short phone call with the expert, but not with me?

Hi Scarlet,

I think there are limits on what she is able to offer if she's receiving maternity pay.
A short phone call with a 'colleague' could be excused, but contact with clients could jeopardise things for her...

I don't know for sure, though.

Hugs,

Lost

That makes sense, but L already agreed to do a 15min call with me towards the end of the month. If she can find time for the expert, why can’t she do more calls with me? I wanted a call in the middle of her leave. Instead I get it 2/3 in.

About a session during her leave: she can’t do it. It’s too complicated to work and receive benefits. So we agreed to a 15min call.

I'm thinking of how Dr. T would think of this. He'd consider talking to the expert as an administrative rather than a clinical action (where "clinical" is something with a client that isn't, say, scheduling or a financial issue). So he might respond to an email in the evening, say, if I had an issue with an invoice or needed to change the schedule. But if I emailed him because I was stressed about something in my life or bothered by something he said in session, then he'd follow his policy of replying in the morning (note that a crisis would be different).

So I imagine it's similar for L. That she sees this as an administrative task, helping you to get insurance coverage for T. Rather than something clinical. I completely understand it being painful, and I've struggled with similar things with Dr. T (especially one time when I'd emailed him because I was upset about something with him, and he wrote back needing to change my time for the next session, but didn't respond to the other part).

It seems like something you should talk to her about, but now probably isn't the right time. I'd hate for her to be defensive and for you to feel bad about it.

I gather this is some kind of emergency, with the insurance? As in, it can potentially endanger your therapy in the long run? So to me it makes sense that she'd make an exception for that. Also, it's not just time. A phone call with you is part of your therapeutic process, so there might have been other considerations leading to that decision, and in any case it's likely more involved work for her emotionally than negotiating with a colleague. Bottom line is, she's still doing this for you, because it has to be done, because the insurance company is apparently doing its best to screw you over. If she overstepped a previously established boundary, that's more likely to mean it's just that important, than it is to mean the boundary was there for no good reason in the first place.

I wonder if this isn’t so much a matter of having the time as it is bandwidth or capacity. I’m reminded of a time a few years ago when I was very sick with the flu. I ended up taking about two weeks off of work. There was one zoom meeting I really couldn’t get out of, so I toughed it out for that, but everything else got canceled, rescheduled, postponed, whatever. I had a lot of time, certainly, but I didn’t have capacity for much more than watching Murder, She Wrote reruns. And even that was pushing it. So, I’m not saying that maternity leave is like the flu necessarily, but she may just not have the capacity for much more than a short administrative phone call. I don’t know if this perspective helps or not. I can certainly see why it’s painful to you.

I understand all of your points. That a professional phone call is different than a therapeutic phone call.And still I just believe if she could make room for the other person, she could have made room for me. Even this months scheduled phone call wasn’t her original plan. I asked for in the middle, she offered 2 weeks before she came back. Like wtf? How does that help.

I did bring it up in my weekly update email I sent yesterday. She probably won’t respond because she hasn’t responded to them even though she said she would.

Whatever my belief, she’s not going to give me what I think is fair. I’m not even going to ask. I already asked for everything I could think of and we already compromised it. I don’t expect anything to change.

I had my first treatment today. No nausea or dissociation. But MAJOR dizziness. I had to keep my eyes closed for the whole time. I don’t know if it helped anything. I don’t think it hurt anything either. The nurse said to follow my thoughts and I did. But nothing of importance came out of it. Idk. I’m going to try it for awhile. If that doesn’t work then I guess I’ll try TMS.

Please tell me you're not pulling an "if she really cared she'd do this for me". I might be unreasonably mad on L's behalf, but I've had that **** pulled on me enough times that even the shadow of it drives me crazy. I guess I can't help but imagine myself in L's situation. You say you understand the difference between professional and therapeutic phone call, but you proceed to equate professional call with "make room for a person". It's not, and it might be a blind spot for you for whatever reason. There's no need to consider the other professional as a person. Put on a fake smile and pleasantness, ready my best rational mind, and I can likely pull it off even if I'm exhausted/hormonal/grumpy for having to deal with yet another thing. The other professional won't mind. Speaking with someone whose mental well-being I'm responsible for? Have to be able to hold their emotions? Will likely spot if I'm off my game and I might end up doing more harm than good? Not remotely similar.

It might be interesting to explore where this comes from, though. Had you experienced the same directed at you a lot? I know that as much as I hate it when it's done to me, sometimes it's very hard to talk myself out of this very same mindset when I'm the one who feels 'not being cared about'. Because it's what I grew up with and understanding how misguided it is doesn't make the feelings go away. Or are you worried that she secretly wants to get rid of you? Or? I mean, it's none of my business, it's just that my curiosity is easily triggered

I'm glad you didn't have nausea or dissociation. I wonder if there's anything you can take or be given to help with the dizziness? Or if it's something that will go away after a few treatments? I do hope it helps. Seems like a good plan to try it for awhile and see what happens, with TMS as another option if it doesn't help.

I guess the expert didn’t want to talk to L. I have heard back from the analyst in two weeks. L explained that it’s easier doing a professional phone call over a therapy phone call. I guess I don’t actually understand. But it doesn’t look like it matters.

Next Wednesday I get to talk to L. I don’t know if it’s phone or virtual. I’m nervous. I don’t know what to say to her. But I want to connect with her.

I had my 3rd treatment Thursday. They gave me the higher dose. This time, I was still grounded, but I felt like I was wrapped up in a soft spool of cotton. Otherwise, I don’t really feel any different. But I was reading and it says it can take 3-6 months.

30 more days.

You can make it, Scarlet!

Glad you get to talk to L Wednesday. I hope it's helpful, however you meet.

More bad news. According to my insurance, they did NOT approve the treatment or visits. I could owe up to $8k!!! I tried paying my bill, but they wouldn’t let me. Not the clinic or pharmacy told me the bill. I found out tonight when I checked my insurance portal. They told me I was approved!

I emailed my contact at the clinic and she said she’d look at it first thing in the morning. If they would have just let me pay my bill day 1, I could have put a stop to it. Instead they kept telling me it’s $10 for the visit and around $10 for the meds.

Oh no! I really hope you can appeal it and get it approved. Do you have anything in writing saying they approved it, by chance? Also, it seems like the clinic should have let you know if it wasn't approved, assuming they're the ones submitting to insurance or at least are in contact with insurance.

I am very sorry. I hope you can appeal it. hugs

My contact and I figured it out! Whoever billed my insurance was stupid. They billed the medical side not the mental health side. That’s why it cost so much. They now have to figure out how to reverse it. And they still don’t know how much the med is. They “think” between $10 - $20.

L is tomorrow! I get 30 mins with her on video. So nervous and still don’t know what to talk about.

It was so so good! I miss her so much. Everything felt familiar and connected. I’m so grateful she allowed this and it got to be video. 27 more days.

Glad to hear that, Scarlet!

Connectedness is so important...

I'm grateful you were able to experience that, in the midst of everything.

Hugs,

Lost