L’s Maternity Leave

19 days left. And I’m nervous and scared. This leave has been partially nice with barely any drama between L and I. Almost no triggers. I’m not constantly reacting to her life. It also feels nice knowing that I did a lot of it on my own. I’m scared to jump back in. I know it will actually be gradual as she transitions back into work. But after 6 years with her, I know my tendency is to get very attached.

I’ve also been struggling with my depression and SI for two weeks now even though last week was a great week. There are so many things that could be contributing to it.

And according to the treatment nurse, I should be noticing a difference by now. I’ll talk to their pdoc on Monday. It’s not like they can increase the dose or frequency. They have protocols. I don’t know what they’re going to do.

L,

Reading along and keeping you in my thoughts,
M

15 days left. The fear is rising. I think I almost feel more fear than excitement. And we might have had another misunderstanding.

Treatment: they want me to do another 4 weeks at twice a week. They also want me to do TMS at the same time. But the billing is so ****ed up that my insurance now thinks I met my deductible.

I am really struggling. I still have a lot of stressors. But I feel alone and like I’m a burden to everyone for one reason or another and that I’m letting everyone down because I’m struggling. From doctors to family to T and L. L barely responded to a text where I describe why I’m struggling. T never responded to an email where I was trying to help her with billing. H fought with me for telling him I’m struggling. My family canceled lunch instead of switching the restaurant because they had nothing I could eat (no teeth). Pdoc wants to increase Lithium and I want off it. And treatment pdoc basically only said it sucks that the treatment isn’t working.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Scarlet.

I would hope that H could keep his feelings in check whilst trying to support you with yours.

Hugs if wanted,

Lost

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. Could you just stick with the one treatment now to be safe and do TMS later?

And I can understand the fear about L. Do you know yet how often you'll be able to meet? Will you be able to meet in person? I'd talk to her about the fear.

And so sorry your H and family are not being supportive. And that L didn't really give you support when you asked for it. I hope everything gets better for you.

Thank you Lost and LT.

When I sent L my weekly update email, I told her that her lack of responses to my text and emails made me feel like I was a burden. She replied a long reply to the last two update emails. She reassured me that I’m not a burden. T finally responded yesterday too, but in her usual two sentence way. H has been better since the fight, but I’m also not sharing with him how much I’m struggling anymore. And my family chose a restaurant that I can eat at for this weekend.

I have to do a ton of cleaning today, but I have no energy. We have our apartment inspection tomorrow. They’re just inspecting the plumbing and fire alarms, but they will be in every room, so I need to clean the whole place.

My insurance is so stupid. Two weeks left until L comes back and they still haven’t made their decision. But according to the analyst, they did agree to pay for T until they decide. So they’re going to deny me the last two sessions which I’m not doing anyhow?

13 more days. And I’m extremely upset at L. I had to go on her website for a min to look up a last name for a ROI so T could get help filling out billing. Afterwards, I looked around. I shouldn’t have. I found two things that really bothered and affected me. I’m not going to explain and get backlash for my feelings. I’m not in a place where I can handle criticism. But it hurt. I just emailed her. She can’t fix either of them. What’s done is done. But she hurt me in two of the most sensitive areas I have. 13 days before she comes back…

Hugs if wanted, Scarlet.

Maybe I’m throwing a pity party for myself, but I’m not seeking anything here.

I really think I’m a bad person. I have way too high expectations of people (especially L). And I have failed myself and everyone in my life. Like my teeth. Supposedly, the average age to lose all your teeth is 74. Without teeth, my jaw will deteriorate. I won’t have a jaw left at 74! I see all these doctors who put me on meds, drugs, and treatments and still I struggle. Nothing seems to work. I feel like I’ve wasted everyone’s efforts including here and L’s. I’m not trying to be bad. But I have failed at this life. I thinking of just quitting everything. Live out my days and try my best to be a good wife, dog mom, and daughter. But seclude myself from the rest of the world so I don’t hurt or disappoint anyone else.

Scarlet,

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way.
When you've been so badly let down by people that you're 'supposed' to be able to depend on...it hurts.

You've been through so much, and yet you're still fighting.

I'm sorry that you have to fight, but the fact that you are still trying is admirable.

Sending hugs, if wanted.

Please keep posting if it's helping you - no matter what anyone else might think.

Lost

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. You mention failing other people, but what if you flip that around and think about how other people have failed *you* in your life, going back to childhood? Maybe you're just doing the best you can. And you seem like a very caring person (I know you've given me support on here many times).

Like Lost said, you're still fighting. Maybe the one treatment you're trying will start to help, or the other option that you haven't tried yet (TMS, I think?). I know it's hard to hold onto hope--I've struggled with it as well. But please try not to think of yourself as a failure. You're fighting a battle that's more difficult than most people fight, and you're still here. And you're supporting others in the middle of it. You have value and you are not a failure.

Thank you, Lost and LT. I have been failed by a lot of people. I don’t want to be the same way. I’m trying my best to be good and not hurt others. Like I feel really bad lately about my high expectations. Like L. She gives me so much grace to make mistakes and even fail. But when she does, I become a very harsh critic. I give my mom more grace than her and my mom failed me way worse.

I try hard to do the best that I can for the people in my life. It’s why I fight. It’s why I see the doctors and take my meds. Like L. She’s lost 2 people in an unexpected way. If I were to die, I’d be the third person to hurt her. Or H. As many problems as we have, he needs me. Really. I seriously don’t know how he’d cope. Like me, he doesn’t have very much. He lives for me and our dogs. If I die, he’d lose everything. He can’t care for the dogs on his own. And my mom. She’s basically been disowned by her other 2 daughters. She barely has a relationship with her grandchildren and no relationship with her great grandchildren. She doesn’t have much either. I can’t provide much, but I know losing me would hurt everyone greatly. It’s hard though. I suffer so they don’t have to. When do I get to suffer less? So I try these drugs and treatments.

The clinic is trying to get my insurance to approve treatments twice a week for 4 more weeks. I don’t believe it will work, but I’ll try it just because there’s not much else. And whenever they get my billing correct, yes, I’ll try TMS. I draw the line at ECT. I won’t do that. I really am going to get off most my meds though. Only 2 are proven to work. I’ll probably lose my pdoc when I get the courage to stand up to her, but whatever. All her “cocktails” haven’t worked.

I just don’t want to hurt people. Even people here. I don’t want to contribute to people’s pain. All the good that people have done for me, I want to give it back. I try. I just feel like I fail. I can’t have children, I can’t have a career. But I have care and love and time.

P.S. Insurance finally approved T. 12 days left. They approved her until the end of the month. I decided to make another appointment with her for next week because I’m struggling so much. Again, just trying.

Scarlet. Wow, i mean i isolate because i cant tolerate the outside world's weirdness. Mostly the relatives. I love my Uber drivers! So its sweet to me that you say you dont want to hurt others. I understand that though - they want to bend you in certain ways as they have always done, and after that soft spot at the top of our head has hardened - hey it takes some of us longer than others, esp when otbers have been pounding on it for so long - well, we just dont bend that way anymore. I did not reciprocate my aunt's cloying "i love you" the last time we spoke (we never said it in 60 years, why start now?!) and this year has been the better for it. I did not disappear (from myself; ie dissociate) for 3 months as i did every other effing time.

Scarlet, I wonder if you look for more from L because you believe she's capable of it. And she's shown that before. Where with your mom, you don't feel she is/was capable of it.

It makes me think of how Dr. T has commented that I don't say much about my dad, in terms of not getting emotional support from him, but I'll talk about missing that from my mom. And I've said I just don't know how much of that my dad is capable of, so it's like I let him off the hook. But I've seen how supportive my mom can be to her friends and some other family members, so I can tell she's capable of it. So I expect more.


And maybe you also trust that L won't abandon you (in general--I'm sure her pregnancies felt like abandonment), so it feels safe to let her know when you're upset with her. I'm not in any way comparing you to a child--but a known thing with kids is that they push back the most against those they feel safest with. Why a kid might be an angel at school but then act out at home if they feel their parents are "safe." Or vice versa, if they feel school is safe but their parents are not. Or with one parent, but not the other.

LT, that’s kind of what H said. He said I should have a higher expectation of her because of her profession and responsibilities. He said that like a doctor or a nurse: if they mess up, it can take a life.

But I think both of what you said are more core to my high expectations. I did have to lower my expectation of my mom in order for her to be in my life and not hurt me anymore. Interesting though, she has changed for mostly the better. She’s not the same person she was when I was growing up. I actually don’t understand my sisters problem with her. She loved them, spoiled them, and protected them their entire childhood.

L would never hurt me on purpose. She doesn’t retaliate or punish me. She always forgives and does take responsibility. I do think I take things out on her because she is safer. Same with H. But even more so with her because it’s expected of me to tell her things. Since she (indirectly) triggers me so much, she gets the brunt of my anger.

Still none of it is an excuse. I’m an adult now and I should know better especially since I am able to process things on my own and with others. It has taken almost a year now to get to the realization that I’m too hard on her. Should have only taken me a few weeks.

I think I’m also selfish with her because of the structure of therapy. I’ve almost been trained to put myself first with her. I’m not expected to consider her position and feelings when something triggers me. The focus is on me. But again, no excuse for the way I treat her. She’s still a human being and deserves to not be judged by an outsider.

I texted her yesterday. I did apologize. I wonder how she will respond. Probably with forgiveness.

With H, I do admit to being a ***** a lot. He says I’m not. He also says I’m not a bad person. However, I wonder if H forgives me because he needs me so much. L doesn’t need me. She’s not supposed to.

Just thinking again what you said, LT. maybe that’s why my relationship with my mom is so good. She wasn’t a safe person and because of my lower expectations, I’m not really open with her. She knows facts of what I deal with, but barely any of the emotions. I think she knows. She’s always telling me she’s there, that I can go to her. She’s even told me that I can stay with her whenever I need to. I also don’t feel comfortable with touch with her. I do hug her and let her kiss me on the cheek, but it’s out of respect. It’s not a comfort to me like L and H. But with the sturdy boundaries with her, it’s really hard for me to be disappointed in her.

Whoa. Sorry for the long post!

And update on treatment: insurance hasn’t approved another 4 weeks at twice a week. I’m not going to fight insurance this time if they deny it. I’m going to take it as a sign to quit treatment.

8 more days. She hasn’t even told me how transitioning back is going to look like.

L said she loves me and forgives me (I asked for forgiveness). I don’t feel like I deserve it. I asked her if she feels trapped or has regrets. She said no. And that everything coming up is expected.

On a side note: I still want to report that one therapist to her supervisor. The one who told my insurance that she would be my therapist. I know insurance finally approved, but I truly believe she was the direct cause of the approval being delayed an extra month. She overstepped the boundaries.

Hugs, Scarlet. I hope she lets you know soon what transitioning back will look like. So at least you'll be prepared.

I'm glad she forgave you. And I think you deserve her forgiveness. I think she understands how difficult all this is for you. And loves you.

I got my schedule with L. First 5 weeks, starting next week, is Tuesdays virtual. Then we jump right back into in-person Tuesdays and Fridays.

I’m scared of her. I’m scared of our relationship. And I’m scared of my attachment. This is feels too fast. But I’m not sure I’d like a longer transition time either. I want her back. I want to see her. But I don’t want the pain and drama from the last 2+ years.

4 more days.

Would it feel better to ease back in? Not sure what that would look like for you, but to go from once a week virtual to twice a week in person seems like a lot. Not sure what would work best for you though. I know you prefer in-person. Otherwise, I'd say you could have done, say, for the twice a week, one time in person, one virtual for a couple weeks.

I don’t know what that would look like either.

Tomorrow is the day. 9:30am. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to say to her or how to be with her. My communications with her have mostly been reporter mode. Now I have to re-engage. And I’m really not doing good mentally outside of her return. But I don’t know how to get help from her.

Side note: I quit treatment. There’s just too many things going wrong. I wasn’t allowed to go last Monday because insurance didn’t approve twice a week yet and I wasn’t allowed to go Thursday because they didn’t ship my med on time. That plus billing and it not working. Yeah, I’m done. They didn’t even respond to the email I sent them telling them I’m quitting.