[East17]

Therapist's bereavement leave: It all happened very quickly. One moment we were in session, the next I was offering to end the session early so she could contact her grown up children and rush to the hospital. We had no time to plan what would happen next. Everything was left up in the air.

Random thoughts from the in-between time: T hasn't specifically said tomorrow's session is cancelled (although obviously I know it is), yet part of me keeps thinking “what if I don't turn up and she is expecting me to?” How weird is that? My brain wanting to cling to the normal in an abnormal situation I guess. I'm sure she's probably still got family there, she will be busy with getting the death certificate, sorting out funeral arrangements etc, and won't even have time to give our session a thought (as it should be). But it feels weird knowing that our work is halted for a while without knowing how long for; a couple of weeks, a month, a few months...? I have no way of knowing without her telling me, and I can't intrude upon her grief to ask. I have to be patient and wait for T to get in contact with me.

I'm scared that too much time will go by. I will get used to getting through every week without contact with her. That when I do eventually hear from T, it will feel too difficult to return and stir things up again. I eventually got used to coping without J in my life, but then I had T to help me through that. Who do I have to help me cope without her in my life? L is gone, A is gone. One of my fears is that H will get used to me not going out every week to sessions, and will kick off again when I say I'm resuming them.

Vicarious Grief: I don't even know if this is a thing, but if it isn't, it should be. I didn't 'know' T's husband, I met him briefly once, but I feel as though I knew him from what she shared. However I can empathise with what she is going through, having experienced many bereavements of my own (not spousal though). Grief: unique to every person, yet a shared experience to everyone.

Has anyone here ever dealt with their T suddenly going on bereavement leave due to the death of their partner, and if so how did you deal with it?

Thank you to anyone who reads this lengthy ramble and thank you to anyone who responds.

[LostOnTheTrail]

I'm so sorry, East.

About seven years ago, I got a call from a number I didn't recognise.

'Hi, I'm calling on behalf of R. She won't be able to make your next scheduled session, but she will be in touch.'

I was left wondering what the heck had happened for a couple of months, until she sent me an email where she explained that she was on compassionate leave following a family bereavement.

She had been forthcoming in telling me that she had not experienced a close loss when we first started working together.

When she returned to work in mid-September, she made a point of telling me that I could still talk about what I needed to discuss.

'I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.'

She has since shared elements of her own process and remembrance as a way of helping me discover what might work in terms of paying tribute to my friend.

In a scenario where I knew what was going on, I'd probably lean heavily on my journal and spaces like this...as I did at the time.

I hope you can be gentle with yourself in how you navigate this.

Take care,

Lost

[ArtleyWilkins]

I lost my husband four years ago. I had been through loss of a sister and both parents, but the grief process for my husband has by far been the most difficult. It is difficult to explain that difference to people who haven’t experienced it. A friend of mine (who also lost her husband this year) and I have had many a discussion about this.

The initial period gets sucked up in the legal and financial matters, so our experience was that the grieving doesn’t even really get truly underway at first. It’s all such a blur and fog for quite some time.

I had no choice but to go back to work pretty quickly. I literally was back at school within ten days because I had to close out the school year, finalize grades, shut down my classroom. But I was on autopilot for that time.

Your therapist will have to figure out for herself at what point she feels able to effectively function in her work. Unfortunately, there is no one rule for how that process works. It just is something each person has to discern for themselves.

Many years ago, my therapist lost his son to cancer. It all happened rather quickly. My memory is that he took a good month or so before returning to the office. In the meantime, I was able to see his associates if I needed to, but I didn’t really do that. When he returned, he was very open about what had happened and where he was in his own process. His openness was helpful because it kept him human and real, and it really wasn’t difficult to get back on track.

My own experience was that once I was back in my classroom full time (after the summer break), I had no problem compartmentalizing my work life from my personal grief process. In fact, work was a welcome distraction for the hours I was teaching. I might have woken up crying (yeah, that’s a thing) and been sad or angry or lonely in the evenings, but those teaching hours were all about my kids and my lessons.

I suspect your therapist will know when it’s time to return and will be able to compartmentalize also. I remember my own therapist telling me that the ability to do that is really the only way to survive as a therapist: between home and office; between one client and the next; between their own stuff and their clients’ stuff.

In the meantime, journal, read, write. If you have other resources of support, let them know what you’re going through. Feel free to write a note to your therapist and deliver it to her office (not too long). She’ll receive it eventually and it will be appreciated by her and allow you to express your concern and care.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My therapist didn’t lose a spouse, but someone close to her. She took a couple weeks off. She had to be the one to organize things, final wishes and such. She came back when she felt she could give me her full attention again. I never asked about it, though she said she would tell me. One day… It just never feels like the right time. I did ask her about family members she’s lost.

[East17]

Update: so my T did offer a session just 4 days after the death of her husband. She said she had evaluated that she was okay to work with clients and had decided to do so. Possibly because it wasn't sudden or a shock. She had been living with anticipatory grief for several years.
So we had our session, and it was a little weird (from my perspective) but okay.

Early on, she told me the next 4 weeks would have 2 breaks; one for half term when her grandchildren would be visiting and two weeks after that, the week of the funeral. Understandable.But she muddied the waters slightly by saying if she was free and in the right headspace, she might offer Thursday (instead of our normal Tuesday). I said I would take it that we weren't meeting and anything else was a bonus.

I wish she hadn't said it though, because the very fact that she did, opened the possibility of a session. But it didn't happen, and instead of being able to get on with my week, I was living in anticipation that it might. Brains are so stupid sometimes! (At least mine is).

So our pattern is 1 session, then a week's break; then another session, followed by another week's break. It will be mid June before our schedule gets back to normal. I know it can't be helped. Life happens. Unfortunate circumstances get in the way. Doesn't stop it feeling totally ***** though.

[LostOnTheTrail]

I'm sorry, East.

That sounds incredibly disruptive.
Does she have a backup that might be able to offer you more consistency?

Take care,

Lost

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm also sorry you're dealing with this. Disruption like that can be difficult. And it's OK to be upset about it, even if it can't be helped.

When my former marriage counselor's wife passed away, he also saw us just a few days later (I didn't realize at the time she'd passed away--found out about a week later). But then he ended up canceling our next session and taking a week off after the funeral. He had teenaged kids at the time, so I imagine part of it was being there for them. For me, it shined a light on the reality of the therapeutic relationship--I wished I could give him support, but that was for his family and friends to do, not clients.

My ex-T told me, in relation to that, how she'd had a loss (I think maybe her sister?) at one point and thought she was fine to come back and work with clients right away. But she said she felt like she was thinking through soup (like her brain was full of soup), so she ended up taking some time after that. I wonder if that's what happened with your T in part, that she thought she was good but realized she needed a bit more time?

[East17]

Thanks Lost, no my T doesn't have a backup, she works privately and is not part of a clinic setup.
I'm hoping consistency will resume once the school holidays and the funeral are done with.



Thanks Lonesome. Yes I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, ie T to realise that she really isn't up to being at work right now, and telling me she will be taking extended leave. I guess I'll have to wait and see how she is after the funeral has taken place.

[East17]

I'm thinking I should amend the title to say: 'Navigating my Therapist's Bereavement'

So the session immediately following T's husband's death was okay, a little weird but okay. Then we had a week's break, which I admit I struggled with. I did message her and received an emoji reply, which kind of let me know she'd read it and understood. I hadn't expected a proper response and was okay with that.

Then this weeks session happened, and it was absolutely sh!te.... No one's fault, just how it was. Despite having had 2 weeks to prepare, I felt totally unprepared; possibly because I was dealing with a shedload of anxiety due to being worried about how she would be, how the session would be, me overthinking it......

Despite T saying she felt up to working, she was obviously tired and I felt as though she didn't really want to be there (but I also know that she wouldn't have offered the session if she didn't want to). Yet I'm thinking perhaps it would have been better if she had taken some time off, at least until the funeral was over. Now I have to sit with how it left me feeling for the next 2 weeks, knowing I can't contact her.... and even when we resume on the 17th, wondering if she's going to be in the right frame of mind to do it....

As T has said she feels up to working, I should (in theory) be able to be honest with her and say how difficult I found our last session, but realistically, how can I...? Yet if I can't be open with her, that introduces a new level of difficulty into our therapy relationship. I know I don't need to 'protect' her, yet it feels rather mean and disrespectful to bring up how bad I felt after this week's session, knowing what she is going through.
Whilst I want to trust that she knows her own capacity for coping and being able to work, I'm also wondering if perhaps she's not the best judge of that right now....​

I should clarify that I don't want to have an enforced lengthy break unless there's no other option and my preference would be to keep seeing her for as long as she's okay with it, but I am wondering if it's doing more harm than good.

If you've made it to the end of this, thank you for reading, and anybody's thoughts or insights would be welcome.

[LostOnTheTrail]

I'm so sorry, East.

That sounds excruciating.
I can appreciate why you don't want to open up to her about your experience of the previous session.

Do you know whether she's sought supervision?

It seems like the kind of situation where a supervisor would be able to help her navigate her own capacity and balance that with her clients' needs.

I hope you'll continue to post here over the next couple of weeks, if you find it helpful.

Take care,

Lost

[East17]

Thanks for your response Lost. The situation is complicated by the fact that just a couple of weeks earlier, T's supervisor went on bereavement leave! So T is seeing a new temporary supervisor who obviously doesn't know her story, and has likely just accepted T's assertion that she knows her own limits and is okay to work.

I guess I have to just see how it pans out. I'm really conscious that I am probably 'overthinking' the whole situation, but that's how I cope with the unexpected, by trying to foresee and think through every eventuality! Even though I know that isn't realistically possible...

[LostOnTheTrail]

Yikes, that makes it so much harder.

I hope you can regain some semblance of normalcy soon.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry you're struggling. I get it, from my experience with my ex-MC (to whom I was very attached). I was very clear with him about how I was affected by his wife's passing and some of what he said after. In retrospect, I wish I'd backed off some, as I feel like I hurt the relationship some from being that honest at a time when he was grieving.

Note: Part of what was hard for me is that he said he wasn't going to tell us about his wife's passing (I'd found out), and I really struggled with that. So that's not the case for you here.

So while part of me says to be honest with her, I also feel maybe you should trust your instincts to not be totally open with her. The part that did help me at the time was that I was also seeing an individual T, who helped me process some of it. Is there any chance you could see someone else, even for just a couple sessions, to help you process this? I know it works a bit differently in the UK, especially if you're seeing this T through the NHS (or maybe it's a different name for mental health). Though I know there are some private T's, too. Just thinking it could help to process some things. And of course post here, if that keeps helping you.

Feel free to PM me as well.

[East17]

Thanks for that Lonesome, I see/pay my T privately. I think I'd only be able to consider seeing someone else about it if she were to take an extended break. I couldn't afford to pay for two therapists at the same time.

Yes I remember when you wrote about how finding out about ex-MCs wife's death had affected you, and maybe wishing he'd been more open with you (I hope I'm recalling that right).

In some ways, I think it would have felt easier if T had been more private and not shared so much of what was going on. I wouldn't be feeling so emotionally entangled now! That's one of the difficulties about working with a therapist who is as open as T; sharing so much but then expects you not to show care and concern for them. Rationally, I know it's her family and friend's job to offer support not mine, but I can't just switch the side that cares about her, off.

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[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by East17

Thanks for that Lonesome, I see/pay my T privately. I think I'd only be able to consider seeing someone else about it if she were to take an extended break. I couldn't afford to pay for two therapists at the same time.

Yes I remember when you wrote about how finding out about ex-MCs wife's death had affected you, and maybe wishing he'd been more open with you (I hope I'm recalling that right).

In some ways, I think it would have felt easier if T had been more private and not shared so much of what was going on. I wouldn't be feeling so emotionally entangled now! That's one of the difficulties about working with a therapist who is as open as T; sharing so much but then expects you not to show care and concern for them. Rationally, I know it's her family and friend's job to offer support not mine, but I can't just switch the side that cares about her, off.

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Yes, you were remembering correctly!

I do understand how it's also complicated when a T is very open. I think it's just such an unusual relationship that however it's handled, it can be complicated. As usually, it's the client doing the majority of the sharing, and the focus is on the client's issues. So when the T's issues/outside lives come into the relationship, it's confusing.


May write more on this later...

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have had the same problem with L: her being so open, but I’m not in the position to give care. And to also not know whether to be completely open or not about my feelings when she is going through something difficult.

I don’t have an answer except to follow your gut and if you decide to open up, do it in baby steps if you can. Test the waters to see how it feels to you and how she react.

L has been through 3 deaths with me. Two were old age. One was unexpected. The unexpected one was when she took a little time off. Weirdly, I was affected the most by one of the other ones. It was her grandma. She died just before the first baby was born. I cried when I found out that she never got to meet the baby. L was actually surprised and didn’t understand. She grieved for all of them, but the older two were a little easier because they lived good long lives and she was able to be there for them. Anyways…

Death affects people in different ways. You kind of have to trust them to create their own boundaries and way forward.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Well said, Scarlet.

[East17]

"I have had the same problem with L: her being so open, but I’m not in the position to give care. And to also not know whether to be completely open or not about my feelings when she is going through something difficult"

Yes, exactly this. Knowing on a logical level that this is my session, she wouldn't be here if she didn't want to be etc, etc...... and yet still feeling as though I need to tread lightly, maybe avoid certain topics. Probably all in my imagination, yet that's how I feel.