[MissCharlotte]

We have all been busy as beavers here justifying our positions and getting fixed behind them--myself included and probably the instigator!

So we argue and muse should we be allowed to call? Should T call us? If so, should he charge? Should we pay? Should we develop a system of self care? Should we support one another?

My answer to all of these is yes -- but I think we're missing the critical component that is the alliance--Therapist and patient as partners in healing the fractured self.

Personally, I have been all over the map thinking T abandoned me--wishing he would call--getting angry when he didn't and experiencing the deep, deep pain of abandonment and child abuse. I shared my experience and many of you had deep reactions--thank you and I hope I didn't trigger you to polarize your feelings.

Here is what I know. It is in the working through, experiencing this pain, feeling like you are bleeding all over and then reconstituting to the adult self--that true healing takes place. But this can only be done WITH T, withing the structure and framework of the therapeutic alliance. It doesn't happen alone or in a vacuum. This is huge for me because I had become self reliant in a very big way, and have struggled with dependence.

T and I have an arrangement that suits us both and allows both of our needs to be met. He will always be there for me if I need him. We just exchanged messages and I feel held once again. But feeling the ground beneath my feet again, happened within the context of the relationship--the alliance.

I think we are all doing a great job.

[chaotic13]

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MissCharlotte said:
...I think we're missing the critical component that is the alliance--Therapist and patient as partners in healing the fractured self.

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An alliance... a collaborative effort between two people. This is what I am struggling with. Professionally I work very well in collaboration with others, personally I don't do as well.

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It is in the working through, experiencing this pain, feeling like you are bleeding all over and then reconstituting to the adult self--that true healing takes place. But this can only be done WITH T, withing the structure and framework of the therapeutic alliance. It doesn't happen alone or in a vacuum. This is huge for me because I had become self reliant in a very big way, and have struggled with dependence.

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I don't do this. I go to therapy, in passive/defensive recorder mode. Then I go home play the recording over and over, experience the pain, bleeding, and reconstructing alone but safe.

I'm cheating myself of the sharing experience and I'm cheating my T of witnessing my progress. She probably feels like she is talking to the wall sometimes.

I'm the B student in the back of the classroom who is listening to every word spoken but refuses to make eye contact. Who only engages and contributes to the class but only when required. As the instructor he/she frustrates the hell out of you because you know they are very interested and if they would just get more involved, interact with the class and content, they could easily be an A student.

[MissCharlotte]

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Then I go home play the recording over and over, experience the pain, bleeding, and reconstructing alone but safe.

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Well, yes me too! I reconstructed today all by myself...

McKell I think that's how it works. (T's words.) We replay the recording of our sessions in our minds. I remember when I first started therapy and it was after a session and I called T because I was freaked out about this. I go, "I kept hearing what I said to you and it seemed so real." He said, "I think that's how it works."

Now, I have gotten to the point where sessions are so intense that I don't remember half of what I said and the other half comes back days later. I just live in the experience of the aftermath or afterglow depending on the session.

It takes time. Hang on.