i have been writing posts and deleting them before posting.. i have tried all manner of ways to explain and i cant

there just aren't words

i am bleeding to death inside

and it's T... not H that brought this on

i had actually believed in him

i have not felt this depth of pain in a very long time. i don't understand.

there just simply aren't words

[krazibean]

talk to us. what happened, what did T do?

[Mouse_]

what happened?

Sorry that you are having such a hard time....

I don't know what T did, but perhaps when you get comfortable, you can share and we can all help you.

[chaotic13]

((jello))

[EvenMoreLost]

(((((((((((jello))))))))))))

I'm sorry hon. what's up?

sorry i haven't been around. things have been weird over here and haven't had much time for PC. i'm thinking about you though.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( Jello )))))))

[Kiya]

jello - did something happen that would change your awareness? might it be a mistake? can you call t for clarification??

((((((((((Fluffy)))))))))))
Love you!

there;s no need for clarification.

this isn't an interpretation on my part..

his words were clear

this was a deliberate choice on his part

i am left trying to decide it there is any way to trust him again. i don't see how... he chose this.. he decided to do this.. no accident, no misunderstanding.

i see him monday... but i have no idea why i am going really. i will not talk about this with him. He cannot play the role of cause and cure simultaneously... and please, dont anyone say thats what therapy is, because this isn't therapy. This is pain, needless, senseless, unproductive pain. No purpose.

so, i wont talk about this and i cant talk about anything else without trust.. so why am i going?

i am going because i am addicted. i feel like he burned me with acid and i still want to hear his voice. This is the hideous side of attachment... powerful attachment can do powerful things... hopefully, for the rest of you, not this sickening dread which has hung over my mind for 4 days so far... producing massive panic attacks, stomach pain, nose bleeds and insomnia...

no way out. no way in

[Kiya]

ms... i'm really concerned. =(
can you tell us what he said?
what balm can we give you when we don't know the wound?
we won't tell you those things you fear - at this point all we can do is try to yould your head so you don't have to suffer in pain =(
try to let some of us help..... pm if you want to =(

[sunrise]

((((((((((Jello))))))))))

Does he know how much his words have wounded you?

[tulips30]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
((((((((((Jello))))))))))

Does he know how much his words have wounded you?



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I am wondering the same thing. Does he have any CLUE how much you have been hurt? I know he had to know just how vulnerable you are right now. On top of trying to get over the flu. I'm feeling so protective of you right now. But, don't know how.

[MissCharlotte]

((Jello))

I don't know what happened, and if you don't want to talk about it, then it is okay.

But I will tell you this. Having gone through some recent ruptures with T, I am really, really glad I kept going and telling him how I felt even though he caused a lot of the pain I was in.

He seemed to be regularly opening his mouth and inserting his foot, on a weekly basis adding insult to injury. But I just keep going and telling him how I feel and how his statements make me feel.

And the depth of my pain has yielded incredible insight into past relationships and how they reside in me. So, because of the rupture(s) I feel closer to T than ever--as if we have reached a greater depth.

And--it ain't over yet!!!

I hope you can just keep going. Know that you have our support to shore you up.

Jeeze, who else has their own support thread to read?

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

[Mouse_]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MissCharlotte said:

And the depth of my pain has yielded incredible insight into past relationships and how they reside in me.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

yes.

[chaotic13]

Jello I hope you are managing OK. Just wanted to let you know I was sending you good thoughts.

i am doing better today.. i am able to think of other things, smile, etc

i don't know what to do... it has taken 4 full days to stabilize myself. This week was worse than any other since last year. So much pain. i don't want to go if it is just going to destabilize me again. The other night i took 7mg ativan. i had nosebleeds i was so upset..

i cant explain.. its hard to get the center of it across and on the surface it doesn't sound so bad... its the combo of timing, words, anger, vulnerability...

i dont know what he knows... i dont think he knows how bad it got.. no.. and i didn't tell him, why would i give him the chance to hurt me more? i will not call him again, ever... i'd bleed to death first.

i will go monday but there will be rules set out, if he cannot agree then i will simply get up and leave.

i know.. i am cryptic.. im so sorry.