I guess this can be one of those learning experiences in which I figure out that I can hold two opposing feelings for someone at the same time. That if I have emotions of anger, they are not going to ruin the relationship-- I can still hold the loving and caring stuff-- it can still be there in a reciprocal manner........ right?

When I was at work today, T called me out of the blue. I was in a meeting and didn't answer the phone in time. He left a really nice message. He said, "I just wanted to see how you were doing and I want to talk to you. I'll call back in like 45 minutes." (We talked on the phone for almost an hour yesterday. It was a wonderful conversation, in response to a message I had left him).

So he calls back 45 minutes later and we talk a bit about how I'm doing today, what my SI was like last night, blah, blah, blah. He has been pushing me lately to contact the leader of my BPD support group bc she has offered herself to me as a support for the SI. I finally responded to her today and I let him know that.

Then he said, "Oh, and I have to talk to you about something..." And I just knew something crappy was about to come out. He said that is he going to be out of town from this coming Tuesday until the following Wednesday. He said we could extend this Saturday's session past the hour and a half or even have a Monday session, if it is possible. He said he wanted to tell me this today, rather than in session on Saturday because he wanted me to have more time to process it before I see him and then he leaves for the week.

So the immaturity kicked in pretty much immediately. I refused to say anything except "okay" for the remainder of the conversation. Then there was a silence and I just said, "Ok. See you Saturday." He said, "You know, you can call me to talk about this before Saturday. If you decide you want to tell me what's going on, you can call." I said, "Ok. Goodbye."

My immediate reaction was anger. I thought to myself-- no wonder he's trying to %#@&#! push me off on another support-- because he's going away. And what's next? He won't be coming back? And what a %#@&#! liar telling me that he's calling to see how I am-- please, he had a whole other agenda in mind.

The truth is, I am scared to death. He has been my only support through this horrible episode of SI that I am going through-- He has been constant and available all the time. I don't know what I am going to do without him for that week.

[MissCharlotte]

((Pinksoil))

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I can still hold the loving and caring stuff-- it can still be there in a reciprocal manner........ right?

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Yes, right. YOU ARE RIGHT!!!! It is the hardest thing in the world (and this coming from someone who can't hold on for 5 days) BUT I realized that I can hold onto T without being angry at him. Well, I'm practicing anyway. You can do it Pink.

Hmmmm, how about writing him a letter each morning and a postcard each night?

Good luck. We will be here with you. No worry!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox

PS Or, you can get in his suitcase.....just a thought.

((((((((((((Pink))))))))))))))),
I'll always be here for you if you need me. Love you.

[Perna]

I think it is great you recognized the anger right after you hung up. I'd call him before Saturday and talk about that, how you're angry he's going to be gone (and afraid since he's been your support with your SI, etc.). I think the more you talk about it the more it will diffuse that particular problem (not the being away problem but some of the anger at his being away which you don't need on top of the being away). That might give you more "time" to make a plan for when he's away?

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"Oh, and I have to talk to you about something..."

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Oh yeah. Nothing good ever comes after that line.

>>>>>Oh, and I have to talk to you about something . . .remember that other client of mine, the one who looks like Marilyn Monroe, oh, well, I just accidentally booked her in your slot. For the next month.

>>>>>Oh, and I have to talk to you about something . . . remember that stuffed animal that you loved and took from my office? I want it back.

>>>>>>Oh, and I have to talk to you about something . . .
My vacation is going to end up being two months not two weeks.

Take care of yourself, Pink!

[lauren_helene]

I don't think he is trying to push you off. He knows what you need from him when he makes plans to leave town.

I think that the support group is great. It gives you another support system with respect to the SI. Yes I agree that we can be angry with someone and still care for them and see the care they have for us. Your T has proven time and again in many ways that he does care so try and hold on to those moments.

My T and I are in this place right now too and it feels great.

I still hate vacations though. I've had a steady day and time and every once in awhile my 7:00 appt is given to someone else and I joke about hating whoever has my spot...ha!

[ECHOES]

(((((((((((((((( pinksoil )))))))))))))))))

It is so hard when they go away and especially when it's sudden. Something must have come up quickly for him.

I hope he will be taking his cell and that you can stay in contact with him while he has to be away.

I'm here for you anytime you need me!

[Kiya]

yeah - reading your post i was thinking, oh that is so sweet oh him to give you extra time to process this info about his trip, knowing it will be hard for you... and offering to extend time on monday, and these really long calls....

It is good that you saw the fear come up - and show up as anger - and i bet that will be important to process. That's what i had to do to with my MD being gone and finally acknowledge that is scares the crap out of me to have her out of the country...and then i found an unexpected ally in T.

We'll all be here (and I missing my MD) right along with you, pink!!
((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))
Kiya

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
The truth is, I am scared to death.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I hope you can share your true feelings with your T--that you are scared. The anger is real, but a shield. I am glad you have the leader of your BPD support group as a back-up for when T is away. Hang in there with this. He will return.

[Flowerb]

I agree with Kiya. It speaks to how close and connected you are that he called to give you the head's up. He could have let it go until Sat and then left on Tuesday but he didn't want to leave with you upset. He is trying to get things in place so that you have support while he is gone (and after that too!) and he wanted to give you enough time to cycle through the anger and sadness and fear and come in with your questions and allow yourself to be soothed.

I hope you can allow that. It seems that you need to make a plan for keeping him with you while he is gone - what can you do that will make him more concrete and available? My therapist usually leaves me a voice mail promising to return and reminding me about certain coping mechanisms. We've also worked on visualizations together so I can better imagine him with me. And he described his home office to me so that I could imagine him there when I knew he wasn't working. It helped to have a way to think about him. And once he told me a silly joke and said, "now when you feel very sad, remember this joke and me - and smile."

I know this will be hard, but look how well you can already verbalize the conflict. You're more than 1/2 way there!

You will be proud of me. I just left him a voicemail that said, "When you told me about this, I was really angry and still have some anger feelings, but I discovered that underneath it all I'm just scared to death to be without you for a week." Now I'm waiting for him to call me back. Oh boy.

[sunrise]

Pink, good for you. I think he will be proud you are getting underneath the anger. I predict his call will be wonderful!

[Perna]

That's great. Yes, do please keep us informed.