[SingDanceRunLife]

...I'm not too happy with her at the moment.

I had a T session today, and I went in thinking that we'd talk about xy and z, but that didn't really happen. It started out the way I had planned...T asked how I was, I said tired and not in a good mood, and then we talked about why. Then we digressed and talked about something completely unrelated, and then some more stuff that was completely unrelated...And then we talked about the OCD and whatnot and all that's related to that...And that kind of annoys me. It's like, since the depression was getting better, it's no longer a main focus...And while that makes sense, when one is feeling depressed, shouldn't the main focus change? The past two sessions have been like that. Me feeling down and whatever, and T wanting to completely focus on something else. Seriously, what do I have to do to make her see that something else is really bothering me? Telling her obviously doesn't work too well. I see her again on Tuesday (soon, I know)...So we'll see what happens then.

EDIT: Had to change some things, and added some.

[Kiya]

Can you email her and tell her what is really bothering you and that you want to focus on?

[SingDanceRunLife]

I don't know...I'm not really that upfront with people. So, maybe, but I don't know. But you know, if I still feel crappy like I do now when Tuesday comes, I'll bring it up, but in a different way. I don't know how yet, but I'll figure it out.

[sunrise]

SingDanceForLife, I remember early in therapy with my current T, moments where I was totally lacking in grace as I tried to change the topic. If we were talking about something I didn't want to be, I would blurt out, "I don't want to talk about this anymore!" and change the topic. Yeah, not too graceful, but effective. There was no way my T could misunderstand my intent. So I guess I'm suggesting, just be blunt and change the topic to what you want to talk about! And if she doesn't get it, you could try a different strategy--just sit there and refuse to say anything until she will talk about "your" topic. Childish, but also effective. (I've never done this, but have been tempted to.)

Good luck.

[SingDanceRunLife]

I can't be that blunt. I always drop hints instead. They can be MAJOR hints, but with stuff like this, it's never straight up.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SingDanceRunLife said:
I can't be that blunt. I always drop hints instead. They can be MAJOR hints, but with stuff like this, it's never straight up.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Since you're not telling her directly, maybe she is not getting your "hints." Learning how to tell others our needs is a major effort for many people in therapy, such as myself! Maybe just think of it as an exercise in personal growth and see if you can change your usual approach and tell her directly what you need. I bet your T will be proud if you can do this.

[kessa19]

What about writing a letter explaining your feelings and you can read it together when you see her? Sometimes I'm too afraid to say things so I write them down and either let her read it or I do. It's helped me alot because I'm not very assertive or open yet.

I do the same thing sunrise does....just say "I don't want to talk about this anymore!!!". I haven't been in therapy long enough to have a smoother way of handling it yet.

I think your T would want you to tell her what your needs are. YOU are paying for therapy, and it must feel frustrating to not be able to talk about the things YOU feel like you need to talk about.

Even though asking to have my needs met in real life is something I haven't learned to do (yet?!), I'm learning to do it in T. I've actually gone as far as telling my T "look, I'm paying you $90 an hour and I think you should tell me whatever I want to hear!!" (lol - I was angry at the time that I didn't feel like I was getting enough reassurance. THAT was really out of character for me, but it was STILL OKAY)

Maybe this will be a chance for you to take that risk....say what you're needing....and for you to find out that it really is okay. Because it is.

[SingDanceRunLife]

You're right...I do need to be more upfront...Actually T has said this too. She has, more than once forced me to directly say exactly what I was feeling. That is something that I need to work on. But maybe I'll write a letter. That sounds like a good idea, especially since expressing myself in writing is a lot easier than expressing myself through speech.

[SingDanceRunLife]

OK...So I wrote a little description of what things are like for me, and I'm planning on giving it to T on Tuesday (we'll see if that happens or not). Here it is:

On the outside, I seem fine. I wish that were the case. In reality, I feel as if I'm falling apart. Instead of being happy, awake, confident...I'm always tired, almost always on the edge of crying. I feel lazy, stupid, and ugly. I only half care though. With my friends and family, I either completely withdraw or act totally fake. Being like this...It's hard. I feel terrible, and would rather curl up in a ball and cry than do much else...But I can't. I have to keep going and do things and not let people know that there's anything wrong. They ask too many questions then. My efforts are pretty futile though. I don't get things done like I should, and people do realize that there's something wrong. I don't even know why I even bother trying.

Yeah. Probably not too eloquent, and not as descriptive as I had hoped...But it's what came to me. You know, the best, real information that I had at the moment. But, I do think that it'll give T an idea of what's going on, and [hopefully] spark some discussion in the right direction.

What do you think?

[sunrise]

SingDanceForLife, I think your note is really good at telling what is going on with you. But I think it needs a little coda such as, "This is what is going on with me and I would really like to discuss this in therapy with you. Can you help me discuss these topics with you and not get sidetracked on other issues that are less important to me now?" Maybe that is obvious and overkill, but you have said you have been dropping hints and she hasn't been getting them. This sounds like another hint as you say that this will "hopefully spark some discussion." So in addition to sharing your feelings with your T in this note, can you ask her directly, as part of your note, for what you want from her? Does that make sense?

[SingDanceRunLife]

Yeah, that makes sense. I'm not sure though. I mean, what I was thinking in my perfect little played out scenario of how I want this to go...That when she asks me how I am, I'll give her the note and tell her that it explains what's going on with me.

[Kiya]

=) i think that is a good start.can you email it to her so you won't be tempted to renig it at the last moment? i have to make myself do that or the letter stays safely hidden in my bag, and the words locked in my throat.
good luck!!!
kiya

[chaotic13]

When I write something that expresses how I really feel on the inside, I have to send it right away too. If I wait, some other ego state vetoes the correspondences. The first letter I wrote and the really personal disclosure I sent my T, I went as far as driving to a mailbox in the wee hours of the morning to make sure I didn't just shelve it yet again. Boy the agony I put myself through afterwards is sometimes unbearable. Luckily, so far the disclosures I've made this way needed to be made and have resulted in some really positive dialog in therapy.

My recommendation is do what ever you have to do (call, write, journal, scream, cry) to start communicating. Then work on moving forward from there.

[SingDanceRunLife]

I think I'm just gonna wait and give it to her personally. It seems easier because then I don't have to go on thinking about what she thinks and whatnot. If I'm right there, I'll be able to tell a reaction right way.

[Pseudonym]

I think that's an excellent plan. AND on top of it, if you don't think the note is good enough to really get the point across, or makes it clear how you're feeling, you have a few days to work on it and correct it. I write things like that just before bed, when I'm in this weird fog, and when I wake up, they make no sense. So it can be beneficial to read it again a few times as though for the first time.
Good luck, and nice seeing you in chat last night. Hope I didn't say anything foggy

hiya sing.. now i understand what you were talking about last night.

when i started.. i had this weird pre-conception that i am understanding now is normal and so common... i just needed to believe that T had some "special" ability to "read" me somehow. That i could give hints, give background and somehow he would figure it all out and give me some kind of voodoo magic. When people suggested to me that a T isn't magical - i balked. i dunno, i think that mysteriousness is a necessary part of the process at stages.

BUT

i'll pass on that same information.. she's not magical or mysterious. There isn't any means or method that they possess that we dont that allows them to gain access to your mind. They get what you give them. They just have training in what to DO with you give them.

you said you haven't been in therapy long, and that combined with you being sort of hint-dropping and mysterious yourself, she probably hasn't gotten to know you well enough to know when you aren't being upfront... and she cant really go on guessing.

the biggest first step i think is to tell her... no guesses... just say you know, i look fine but i feel *this* inside... It's a HUGE step, i know... but there is no other way. It's either tell her or feel bad that she can't just know on her own. No crystal balls, no mind reading.

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On the outside, I seem fine. I wish that were the case. In reality, I feel as if I'm falling apart

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

sing.. you have no idea how many people feel this way too... even people who are more or less well.. You are not alone in that sweetie. And like most of us you have probably gotten VERY good at that display... yes? And if no one ever sees how you feel inside.. how can your T figure it out? See the problem?

trust yourself sweetie

[SingDanceRunLife]

That's true. I don't know. I kind of like the note because it's raw, you know? I wrote it in a not so good mood, so it's just telling it like it is. I might edit it a bit, but I'm not sure.

And yes, it was nice chatting with you. Hope to see you in chat again sometime.

seal it up! take it in.. just jump.. raw is good

edits will end up being what you wish you'd said... and if you regret saying something then you get to explore why you regret it... it opens doors.

you can do it

[kessa19]

I think you did an excellent job expressing yourself. I can tell it's honest and comes from the heart which is so important in helping your therapist understand. The only thing I might add is HOW IMPORTANT it is for you to be able to discuss this at length with her. I believe you know what you need, trust yourself. I sincerely hope this helps you. Take care!

[SingDanceRunLife]

Thanks.

A lot of the time when I write like that, it makes no sense at all. But, I have reread it, and I'm pretty happy with it.

And I know that you guys are right about me needing to be more upfront and all that...But that's really hard for me. I generally don't do it. Even this letter is bold for me.

then this is a big deal.. _ congratulate yourself for even writing it!!!!!!!!

go girl!

[SingDanceRunLife]

I guess it is a big deal. I've only written two other things like this (one for my parents that I gave them, and one for my friend that he never got because I couldn't do it).