Could someone else direct my life? I'm doing a poor job right now.

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My mother told me you’ve decided to refer me evening hospital. A three month wait doesn’t sound all too promising, not too certain how I’ll be then. I’m not hopeful. I should get out of bed. I should pursue more work. I should pursue more play. I should pursue life, but I’m not and I no explanation would suffice. I would pursue death if it wouldn’t shatter my mother, my father, but it’s not an option, only this living death. I need something now, not three months from now. I’m falling apart and I’m not sure what will be left by then. I wish I was providing that something to myself, but I seem to have lost the motivation to do so. I don’t know if it’s possible to take part in a partial hospitalization program earlier, but if it is, I’ll consent to it.

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I just sent this to my psychiatrist. I'm not sure how he'll respond. I probably should read it to his voicemail rather than just email, my voice would probable express something and he's not diligent at checking email.

((( Merlin )))

That's a great idea to read it into his voicemail. Or, you could leave a voicemail to tell him you've sent an important email and you'd like him to read it and get back to you as soon as possible.

It sounds like this is something you and he need to talk about soon.

I understand the "living death" you talk about. I've often said that it isn't that I'm afraid to die, it's that I'm afraid to live.