T came back. This time I actually believed he would.

It was so nice to see T again. However, I have been in a lot of emotional pain lately, and very unusual for me, there was alot of tearfulness during a large part of the session. There was a lot of humor, too.

When I became completely ungrounded, T took my hand again and held it for a long time until I was able to let some of the intrusive thoughts go and feel reality. I can still feel what his hand felt like around mine.

We talked about setting aside time each sessiont to make sure we are really working on getting to the "core." T said that we dance around it a lot, but we aren't really "going" there. I agreed, but told him that I had no idea what the core even is. He said that it was okay-- he was unsure, too, but we would work and get there together. As soon as school and internship are over (3 more weeks) he wants to make sure that we are consistently doing two sessions per week.

And the funny parts....

I am a shoe woman. I have 50+ pairs of shoes and I don't even own a pair of sneakers. I'm always wearing something different-- gold flats, hot pink heels, you name it, I probably have it, lol. T always comments that he likes my shoes. Yesterday I was wearing an outfit with black leggings and purple knee-high boots over the leggings. T goes, "Okay, you are going to give me a shoe fetish. You need to stop wearing these types of shoes to therapy and just get a pair of sneakers or something."

Following this, I took out my newest poem (posted in the creative forum if anyone is interested), which T urged me to read out loud to him. I hate reading my poems out loud to him. I said, "C'mon-- wouldn't you rather just look at my boots?"

Well. I'd hate to tell ya what T misheard that to be. Yes, it is true. T thought I said, "Would you rather just look at my boobs?" So all of a sudden he goes, "What??!!" And I realized what happened to I start yelling, "BOOTS!!! I SAID BOOTS!!! YOU KNOW, PURPLE BOOTS!! PURPLE!! PURPLE!!! BOOTS!!"

whew.

T was also very good with maintaining boundaries when I was holding his hand. He said to me, " Feel my hand, but don't flirt with it because you know that is what you want to do... you know what I mean?" My first thought was, "Ha! What an egotistical sex maniac he is... just like all male therapists!"

So what did I do?

I agreed with him. He was right.

It's hard to get close to him because while I do have the little girl feelings of wanting to be held and protected, I also have the much more adult feelings that are all sexual. I think my T is amazing for taking the step to trust me in allowing physical contact, knowing that I have these feelings. He asked me if this was one of the first times I had ever held a male (at least in this situation in regards to a hand) where the intent was completely non-sexual. I told him that it was one of the only times-- aside from my father, in the past male contact always turned to something sexual (no abuse-- just talking about relationships I had over the years). I love how he is teaching me that we can have that type of safe relationship with boundaries in place.

He gave me a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. It is about book about women whose mothers have died. Although my mother did not die, she was never there for me emotionally and T believes that a lot of parts in this book could be very valuable for me because in a sense, she was missing from my life in a lot of ways.

He also gave me an essay by Winnicott called The Capacity to be Alone-- this is about how the healthy self can be comfortable being alone, even in the presence of others. A good example of this is how comfortable one is during a therapeutic silence. This is an indication of how comfortable you are being alone with yourself even though there is someone else in the room. This is very interesting and pertains to me a whole lot.

Something that was very endearing was that T was talking about how during the week he was doing a psychoeducation group on relationships and bonding and suddenly in the middle of the group, he thought of me and something that he really would want me to know so that I could tell my husband. T said, "When you think about it, it is really funny-- here I am trying to lead a group and not only am I thinking about one of my patients, but I'm thinking about telling her to tell her husband something-- who is something I've never even met!" Of course I absolutely loved that he admitted this to me and adored the fact that he was thinking of me.

I love my T.

Pertaining to phone calls:

At the end of the session I said, "Well.... give me permission?" He said, "You have permission.... you know you don't need it though."

I can't see him twice this week because on the only day that I would be able to, I have a job interview. We will schedule a phone session.

I love my T. Did I say that already?

i love him too... he is so good for you. i have seen so much improvement in you since we met.

has the medications been a factor at all? just wondering

RAYdiating love baby

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He said to me, " Feel my hand, but don't flirt with it because you know that is what you want to do... you know what I mean?"

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Pink, did you ask him if he was projecting, lol?

It's good to hear that things are going well with your T! Emotional Pain seems to be the theme of the year. Good luck on your job interview. Are you going to wear your purple boots, lol? Love ya'.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"BOOTS!!! I SAID BOOTS!!! YOU KNOW, PURPLE BOOTS!! PURPLE!! PURPLE!!! BOOTS!!"

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...

lol that was sooooooooooo funny - i am still red with embarasment knowing what he thought before you explained, my hand flew over my mouth! Funny how all our lives become each other's lives.