[sunrise]

I never thought I'd use "efficiency" to describe my therapy, it really doesn't seem like a positive thing to me necessarily, but last session, was simply, efficient. We must have covered a dozen topics bam bam bam, all without feeling rushed, getting to the heart of and dealing satisfactorily with each before moving on. It was both whirlwind and comfortable. Is this how it gets after a year and a half of therapy with the same therapist? You just know each other so well, you can deal with the underlying feelings of incidents without beating around the bush and circling aimlessly and avoiding what's really important? We were just in the zone. (And who knows, maybe we will not get to this place again next week or for a while. But that's OK.)

We knocked off a lot of stuff. We were close. We had some great discussion of the coach vs. therapist roles and what I can hope for in terms of couples healing. I was able to reveal my feelings time and time again. (Who was that person sitting opposite the therapist, anyway? ) I told him how I sometimes find it annoying when he is being the coach and all I want is my therapist. He says he knows. It felt really good to be able to tell him that. T showed me his wedding photos, and I felt a great deal of joy. I think I radiated that and T received it and ponged it back at me. Like when a string is plucked and everything in the vicinity starts to vibrate at the same frequency. I got another chance to tell him how much it has meant to me that he has shared his experience of divorce and then "finding the one". This has given me such hope for the future.

Glad to hear you had such a great session. I had one of those a while back. It kept me positive for a long time!

[chaotic13]

I had a similar experience this week. Unfortunately after 9 month I was still somewhat hooked on trying to present evidence that what I'm feeling is wrong, that I am a freak, that I have no interpersonal skills, poor mother, bad wife, blah, blah, blah... My therapist just sat back and efficiently challenged each attack I made on myself. I realized when I left that I have no more arguments to make against myself.. the analytical me must accept the null hypothesis.

I think at least for the moment, I believe that what I am feeling is not wrong. The behaviors I am exhibiting are not abnormal they are consistent with what I am feeling. I know everyone has said time and time again, that emotions and feelings are not right or wrong--- they just are what they are. Some how I was just conditioned/brainwashed to think mine were alway wrong and that when I behaved in a way that matched them, I was bad, evil, socially unacceptable. I need to accept the way I'm feeling and stop trying to force myself to change it, or beat myself up with guilt about it.

I think if I can get myself to hold on to the concept that its OK for me to be the way I am, I'll be done with therapy.

Sunrise, glad that you also had a good session.

[gimmeice]

Sunrise, that sounds like a great session. I've had a few of those and I always feel really good afterwards.

mckell - I hear you! I've been working on this...one line at a time then back to the top.

The Courage to be Myself

I have the courage to…
Embrace my strengths
Get excited about life
Enjoy giving and receiving love
Face and transform my fears
Ask for help and support when I need it
Spring free from the Superwoman Traps
Trust myself
Make my own decisions and choices
Befriend myself
Complete unfinished business
Realize that I have emotional and practical rights
Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants
Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal
Honor my own needs
Give myself credit for my accomplishments
Love the little girl within me
Overcome my addiction to approval
Grant myself permission to play
Quit being a Responsibility Sponge
Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately
Nurture others because I want to, not because I have to
Choose what is right for me
Insist on being paid fairly for what I do
Set limits and boundaries and stick by them
Say “yes” only when I really mean it
Have realistic expectations
Take risks and accept change
Grow through challenges
Be totally honest with myself
Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions
Respect my vulnerabilities
Heal old and current wounds
Savor the mystery of Spirit
Wave good-bye to guilt
Plant “flower” not “weed” thoughts in my mind
Treat myself with respect and teach others to do the same
Fill my own cup first then nourish others from the overflow
Own my own excellence
Plan for the future but live in the present
Value my intuition and wisdom
Know that I am lovable
Celebrate the differences between men and women
Develop healthy, supportive relationships
Make forgiveness a priority
Accept myself just as I am now.

[chaotic13]

Slip, that is great! I copied it so I have it for frequent viewing. All apply but especially like are:

Plant “flower” not “weed” thoughts in my mind
Say “yes” only when I really mean it
Quit being a Responsibility Sponge
Spring free from the Superwoman Traps
Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants --I have to change this one to my dog. All my plants die. LOL

Just a question.....

...... Are you experiencing feeling while you are "knocking things off , bam, bam, bam."

Therapy is about feelings and dealing with feelings. Coaching is about how to move forward to make your life easier, sometimes at the expense of the feelings.

?????????

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Riptide said:
Just a question.....

...... Are you experiencing feeling while you are "knocking things off , bam, bam, bam."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, it was amazing how efficient we were, but yet the feeling was all there. By "knocking things off", I meant dealing with them, and for me that is a feeling process not an intellectual one. It was like somehow time was passing differently than usual. I am used to a slower pace. We were able to do so much but still have all the feeling. I think part of it is I was just able to be so direct and let myself feel, without trying to contain and hold back from T and circle the issues. All those defenses eat up time. But I don't know if I can do this all the time.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Riptide said:
Therapy is about feelings and dealing with feelings. Coaching is about how to move forward to make your life easier, sometimes at the expense of the feelings.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That's not really how our coaching is--at least the "make life easier part", lol--it may be different than what you are familiar with. He's not a life coach or anything. But the process is more goal-directed than his therapeutic approach. What helps me a lot to keep things straight, is that the coaching generally goes on outside of T's office, and there are other people there, whereas when I am at his office and alone with him, we do therapy. But at our recent out-of-the-office meeting with my H and the other specialist, it was getting downright therapy-like at times, although T was supposed to be in his coach role. He says he has a hard time not being a therapist all the time, especially when the need is there. Last session I said to him, "when I look at you, I see my therapist, not a coach." He answered, "I am your therapist."

I think the difference between his therapist and coach roles has more to do with "the couple" rather than with me, the individual. When H and I originally went for couples therapy with him, we did deeper work and some healing. Then we segued into the divorce and T moved into his coach role, which is primarily with us as a couple (not with me as an individual--when we do individual work, he is my therapist). Because healing is not really part of the coach role, he is now somewhat constrained on the depth of healing he can offer us as a couple. He has told me, though, that once the divorce is final and he is done with the coach role, if I and my H (ex-H!) want to come see him again as a couple, he will do deep healing with us. Well, that's kind of bewildering to me. Do deep healing with someone you have just legally removed from your life? I told him the divorce cracks a lot wide open, and there is a window of opportunity to heal now, and if we don't take that window it will pass. The time for healing and resolution is limited. "I know, I know," he said and I could see his remorse that he cannot help us with healing now. He is conflicted. But that is how it is. Even more than being a therapist, he likens himself to a healer, so it is hard for him to let this slip by. ((((T))))

[Merlin]

A brief insight into the divorce... as long as you have joint custody of children you cannot remove him from your life.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Merlin said:
A brief insight into the divorce... as long as you have joint custody of children you cannot remove him from your life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That made me laugh, Merlin, how right you are! Much as I don't really want him in my life, I do want him in my girls' lives, for their sake (as long as they are safe). So no matter what I do legally to break our own bond, I will always support the need of my girls' to have their father in their lives. Their needs come before mine.

[Lemon]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
I told him the divorce cracks a lot wide open, and there is a window of opportunity to heal now, and if we don't take that window it will pass. The time for healing and resolution is limited.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sunrise, can you explain what you mean by this more? I don't understand why the window to heal would pass. I have always thought that healing is always possible, maybe harder the longer time passes, but still an opportunity.