[Razzleberry]

A comment on Pinksoil's marriage thread made me think.

I completely understand why a therapist would not want to see both a husband and a wife for individual therapy (not marriage counseling) - because of all the privacy and trust issues that it would create.

But it makes me wonder. I am sure there are things I do that I don't really realize, and that I wouldn't necessarily bring up with a therapist. Things that my husband, or other close people, may notice about me, but I don't notice.

So...that just makes me wonder. Is it ever good to get the other point of view? Would it help a therapist figure out your issues better? Sometimes we aren't so great at self-reporting everything correctly.

Just...wondering.

I'm still really early in therapy so no I don't really know the whole system yet.

[PsyChris]

I don't think the view of your spouse or family is necessary. Therapy is not about judgment. It's not about you being right or wrong. The important thing is that what you believe your issues are and how to sort through them.

An experienced therapist will know enough about human behavior to identify any slants of perception that you may have--and still maintain a completely open mind.

Usually the only time a therapist should need to speak to the family or spouse is if you have been hospitalized and are unable to provide a history or in the very beginning of therapy during the consultation process.

[Brian37]

in my opinion....yes

[TaintedGoth1]

Why wouldn't you tell your T everything? I'd agree with Brian, though...I think it's important to challenge all of our behaviors that are causing harm to us...even if we don't see the harm in them.

It's not only for the T's benefit, but yours as well. Your T could actually help you along with certain things if they were aware of everything.

[chaotic13]

I mentioned in Pink's thread that I had a lot of issues with what transpired during an individual session my H had with my T. It was early on in therapy I think I had met with her individually 2 times, my son had gone twice, and my husband went once. The focus of therapy at that time was supposed to be on helping our son. My husband made the session all about him and how our son was upsetting him, made him lash out at everyone,etc. Of course he couldn't stop there, then he had say how I was not being a supportive wife, blah, blah, blah. He claimed that SHE kept asking, so he just told her everything in great detail. When he came home from that session and told me all the things he had told her, I felt so exposed and belittled. I was angry because I was not able to defend myself against what was said, and probably will never open my mouth. In my sessions I had talked very little about him and focused my comments on parenting issues. I didn't even want to go back after that. I remember being so mad at both him and my T. It took me a long time to get comfortable after that. It was too much too soon and a very one sided perspective. It may have helped my T understand the situation better, but in hindsight I would NEVER repeat that experience.

The point of bringing a family member into therapy with you is not to allow the therapist to see that person's point of view; rather, it is to allow the therapist to see the dynamic that transpires between the individuals invovled.

[sunrise]

Razzleberry, yes, it can be beneficial for your therapist to meet and get to know the other members of your family, including your spouse. But not always. Every situation is different. Plus, not all therapists are trained to accommodate seeing multiple members of the same family. My T is a family systems therapist, so is trained for this. He learns so much about the family and its individual members by seeing the members interact and hearing their stories. I was in individual therapy for 7 months with my T before I found the courage to bring my husband with me for couples therapy. I remember after the first session, T described one little moment from our couples work, one small interaction, and said it was a like a snapshot to him that encapsulated all of our relationship. Even though I had told him much about our situation, it was like this snapshot was more powerful than a thousand words. He instantly "got it" at a level he hadn't before.

One of the biggest problems of moving from solo to couples therapy is the sense of divided loyalties. The therapist must be able to handle this and be able to connect with all the family members while providing reassurance to everyone that he has not "abandoned" them. So if you want to add your spouse to the therapy mix, I would recommend making sure your T has the training and philosophy for this. My T has said to us both, "when I'm talking to one of you, don't worry, I haven't left the other one. I'm still here and haven't forgotten you. You can see me and hear me and if you wait, I will be right back with you when I am done talking to your partner. It's OK."

[lindee]

It depends on how you and your spouse get along I think, how close you are to each other.

My husband has come with me to all of my therapy sessions for almost 5 years. He is there to help me. He is not there to get his own counseling. Or even for couples counseling, although I suppose some of that just naturaly happens.

But sometimes its good to get his point of view on how I have been reacting to certain events. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy and its good for him to tell my T what he sees from day to day. I have social phobia and depression and sometimes even with my T I can have a bad day and clam up. Not be able to answer her questions or do the talkiing that I should. H is a great encourager.

My old therapist thought it was a great idea that H was there and my new T likes the idea also. But my pdoc won't allow him in. I think she is making a mistake. There is always something that I forget to tell her that I'm sure H would remember.

In other words it just depends on you and your relationship with your spouse.

[MissCharlotte]

Razzleberry,

My H and I see my T together for couples therapy now. However, it is clear that the goal is for us to be focused on strengthening our relationship.

We do not discuss "My" issues seeking another point of view. At first I was very reluctant to have H in the room but so far so good. (It's only been one time as an official couples session!)

So, yes the couples work does benefit me because I feel better about my relationship with H. But it's not like he walks in and we begin talking as if it were an individual session. In fact, there is almost no similarity between the two.

[LMo]

From my own experience, my husband tends to minimize the articulation of his anxiety and the effect it has on his behavior. Therefore, he makes much less progress when the T doesn't have his family member's (me) perspective.

[Lemon]

My experience has been that it is very helpful that my T knows my ex-husband. We started with her for couples therapy so that is how I knew her. I was attached to her, but not the same way you would get in individual therapy. Now that I'm no longer married I see the same T for individual and I'm glad she has that history and saw me and H together.

I think it would be much more difficult to go the other direction.....individual tharpy with T to couples with the same T. Like Sunny said, the T must be trained and skilled at dealing with couples. When I was seeing T for both couples and individual she was excellent at keeping the couples sessions primarily focused on the couples and not focusing too much attention on one person or and individual issue.