graduation.. T away... frustrated and lonely

i get an award for loserdom

i am finishing off my final paper ever.. as of tomorrow @5pm i will no longer be a student

this means big changes and i dont know if i am ready for that. i won't have any structure. i can't take a "regular" job until i am established as most fellow grads are doing. i cant because im too much of a cripple. Last year my summer retail job was causing my ribs ti sublux(fancy schmancy for moving out of socket).

i cant stand too long.. walk around too long.. or even sit too long. i almost fell 3x this week again

%#@&#!

and T is away.. so my first week tossed out into the cold, structureless world and no supports. i miss him terribly.. even though i have been struggling with feeling disconnected from him recently. i dont know what or why, i just dont feel connected and i dont know what to do about it. But it hurts, and i miss him... i just want him to care about me, and not run away emotionally. He said he wasn't withdrawing from me emotionally.

i have been thinking of starting my own business.. seasonal, hire some students or something to do the actual physical working. i've got some decent contacts to help me and maybe funding options. i'm working on getting mental health supports in place too, outside of T i mean.

i have come a long way... i got dx'd in january of '97 having been crazy for a while. Due to other medical issues i was pretty housebound for months and months. Had to go on assistence for a while. i floundered around sometimes, other times i was able to work and do ok.. it always ended in depression and me leaving before things got bad. My job last year was the first in 6 years. A few yrs ago i wouldn't leave the house or answer the phone.. that went on for a year. When i came here for school.. well, most thought i'd drop out after a while.. figured i'd give up.But i didnt give up. i won scholarships, awards and high recommendations from artists and profs i respect.

i should feel good about that.. i *know* its good stuff, but it feels empty. im not even going to my own graduation. i cant deal with it. no one is coming to go with me anyway. no family or friends or anyone. im such a loser.

i am afraid now.. of falling on my face

there isnt a lot of congrats going on... whoopee, fluff is finshed her degree.. having commuted an hour each way everyday for 3 out of 4 years... cried in my car everyday on the way home and sat feeling sick in the driveway.. knowing what was facing me when i went home.. i clawed my way through.. but whoopee

this week is going to be a battle, and then back to my T.. who feels a million miles away even though i will be 4feet away.

i just want to curl up in a dark place and never come out. My meds have brought on intense mood swings. Obviously today i am down, all week i had been hypomanic.. flirtatious(sp?) saying highly sexualized things to people i dont know, blurting out stuff i dont even want to remember.. unable to shut up.. thursday i wasnt able to focus on a thought long enough to make a schedule with T. 4months of crazy left to go.

((((((((((((((((((((mzjellofluff))))))))))))))

Congrats on your upcoming graduation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry you are feeling down right now hopefully it will get better soon

We at PC are so proud of you, commuting an hour each way everyday for 3 out of 4 years, clawing your way through, these little guys are here to say WE are attending your graduation party right here at PC

thanks guys.. no one is coming to grad. i'm giving away my tickets to some other people who wanted to go.

you guys are nice to cheer me on though... thanks

Congratulations. You have come through so much to graduate. Think of everyone here as being with you.

BB

((((((((((((( Fluff ))))))))))))))

(((((((((((FLUFF!!!)))))))))))))))
You've accomplished so much!! I am really happy for you. No matter what happens now - that success is yours! Always hold that close - it is a very big thing to finish school - i know how hard it is and what a challenge it is.
You'll make it - one day at a time, k?

Jello, congratulations. Finishing your program is an accomplishment. Many individuals with a lot less going on have fallen short, but you didn't. This same determination along with your artistic gifts will lead to employment. FORGET your past struggles, they've just made you more resilient. You have worked hard to give yourself a new start, take a moment and relish in your accomplishments.

Use the awards, projects you've created, and your professors' connections to get a foot in the door somewhere. Their job doesn't stop the minute you turn in your last paper.

Best of Luck to You, Dear Graduate!!!!

I think you did fabulously... commuting, persistant in your endeavors, persevering through it all.

You deserve every good opportunity you can get ahold on.

Starting a little company is a fine place to begin, getting hold of the ropes, sort of.

If you lived near me, I'd go to your ceremony.

I too know the feeling of being alone after an accomplishment or two.

Not to fear though, your life is now about charting a new course, filled with new advancements, and new people also.

Hopefully, with good decision making and all the available foresight in the midst, you will guide yourself into the future you have always wanted and deeply desire ... the one you have worked a lifetime for, especially the last four years.

Chin up ... everyone who has a heart and a dream will be with you on graduation day!

Funny how that works - inspiration and all that good jazz!

Best to You JF,

nightbird

Congrats on the graduation! From reading your first post I'm thinking that you are probably now officially done. Yah!

MzJelloFluff, I would attend your graduation! Congrats! You have worked hard to get where you are. You did it. More challenges await--yes, it is normal to have fears. Despite the uncertainties ahead, I hope you are able to enjoy this triumph.

(((((Fluffy)))))))
I'm so proud of you! I knew you could do it Love ya'

thanks guys!

im coping... but T is away, so i am really feeling lonely and lost.. i was feeling disconnected from him as it was.

i am really working hard on this biz idea.. this is what i want for now, and as an npo it would be giving back to the community. i need to work hard now to build my portfolio and apply to grad school. There are so many things that i need to be on top of... it's overwhelming.

i am worried about biting off more than i can chew.. fret fret fret

im making a um.. "special" outfit for grad.. ha.. not a normal outfit lets say.. if im going to be a sore thumb i may as well go all the way with it.. it IS art school after all.

((Jello))

Congratulations on your accomplishment! This is big. I hope you can savor the sense of doing and being you!

I'm right there with you as T is away too.



Peace

me too - we ought to have a party since we're all lonely and disconnected...misplaced. my apnt would have been in 2 hours.

yay on your graduation... i think... i'm curious to this outfit!