Are T's supposed to show their feelings? I read in a therapy book that T's are supposed to be strong, consistent, and patient. Not show feelings all over the place.

My T is ALWAYS telling me she is angry at me. NO matter what I do or what feeling I have. It just sucks

She gets angry then I get angrier and then everything is shot to hell.

I just don't think this is right?

Comments?

[Christina86]

Riptide, if you're not meshing with her I'd suggest finding another T. She may have her own issues she needs to work on before she can properly help you, or anyone else.

[(JD)]

(((Riptide)))) forgive my delay in replying, even though it's only been one day... I've been ill all of April, fighting a fever and such.

I agree that the therapist needs to have their personal emotions in check, and controlled responses when showing therapeutic caring.

It isn't good that she is "angry" with or at you for any reason. Your responses, your actions are all about you, and she needs patience in leading you to where you need to be. Her becoming angry with you isn't good at all...I mean, it's something she shouldn't be, and certainly something she shouldn't be showing and certainly not be telling you!

IDK how difficult it is to change therapists, but I would advise you to consider it. If you can't, then I suggest you "call" her on this... and it doesn't need to be using up one of YOUR sessions! If you can't confront her in person, then put it into writing. If she has shared with why she is angry and you feel she thinks she is totally in the right, then reconsider if she has a point. If not, and if you still think she is unstable, or at least too unstable to help you, then find another.

Trust is a main support in therapy. It sounds like she not only hasn't gained your trust, but has done something to erode it completely.

[Kiya]

i agree with christina and sky - look into getting a new t

my T tells me when he gets frustrated, and we talked about how i felt about that (i am ok with it even though it hurts too)... but we talked about it - see the difference? He also said that being frustrated, whether he tells me or not, is normal but if he got *angry* then it is completely about HIM... he said anger had to come from his OWN stuff and was not my fault. He said HIS stuff, ie anger, had no reason to be in the therapy room with me.

so, he does show emotions, but yes, keeps them in check.. no, doesnt get angry at me

if you dont want to write it out here it's ok... but can you write yourself a letter (yes, literal) and answer to yourself why you feel you need to see *this* T and not get a new one? She cant be the only game in town.

I had a therapist... that didn't keep her emotions in check - and notice I say "had"... because it just didn't work for me... I became "worried" about what her reactions would be to me...

When I was with her... my pdoc.. used to say.. you seem to be frustrated in therapy... all the time...

I guess... I also do not want to know if my therapist is "frustrated" with me... because to me... it says "you are not living up to my expectations - you are not acting the way I want you too.. you are not making the progress I want you to.. you are not saying what I want to hear"...

This is just from my own "filters".... so I personally do not deal with it well....though others may have no problems with hearing their T is angry or frustrated...

[bipolar_bear]

My idea of a therapeutic relationship is not one of being combative. I could not thrive in that type of environment nor share openly with someone who would react angrily. So, for me it would not be the right t but then everyone is different and reacts differently.

BB

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Riptide said:
Are T's supposed to show their feelings?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
There is no one "right" answer to your question. It depends on your T's theoretical orientation and approach. Some T's are of the "blank slate" approach and keep all feelings and thoughts to themselves. Other T's reveal their feelings and/or moments from their personal lives, if they judge it to be therapeutic for the client. This is called self-disclosure. (My T, for example, reveals his feelings to me on many occasions, but he has never shown anger at me. The closest he has come has been once he was appalled at something I said. And another time I got a bit of a lecture on how I shouldn't do X again. But he always owns his feelings and we discuss them. He is particularly good at owning up to countertransference. It disempowers it to speak of it.)

It does not sound to me like your T's anger is therapeutic for you. (It wouldn't be for me either. I would curl up in a ball and withdraw.) And it doesn't sound like the two of you are either discussing her displays of anger so that you can understand in what way they are therapeutic for you or discussing the countertransference. Her anger sounds like a big gorilla in the room and it must be hard to proceed with therapy without addressing this. If it is just too hard to deal with and you feel you can't discuss it with her and get the clarity you need, then it may indeed be time to move on.

The situation I think of when I think of therapists being deliberately combative are ones where the client is harming others seriously through his/her actions, such as substance addiction. I have heard there is a particular therapeutic approach used in these situations that is confrontational and combative, designed as a "wake up call" to clients to take responsibility for their actions.

[chaotic13]

My T does not show a lot of emotion during our sessions. She is nether combative nor overly caring. However, she is not just sitting there with a blank look on her face. I think she walks a fine line between showing understanding and empathy without supporting statements or actions she doesn't agree with.

She does self-disclose occasionally, mostly regarding her parenting challenges. I have never felt anger from her. A few slips of sarcasm but nothing offensive.

[splitimage]

My psychologist shows a lot of emotions and self discloses a fair bit, but I've been seeing her for 10 years, and so we're pretty comfortable with each other. It still throws me when she says she worries about me. My addictions Dr., whom I also see for therapy is completely the opposite - she's the blank slate show no emotion type and frankly it drives me a little nuts. i sometimes feel like I'm talking at a wall. My pdoc is somewhere between the two.

But I wouldn't deal well with it at all if my T was constantly angry at me, especially if she wasnt willing to explain why. That would make me seriously lose trust in the process and I'd think seriously about getting a new T.

--splitimage

i don't *like* knowing he's frustrated, but i actually asked him to say so.. i want him to be real with me. One thing i am trying to work on is interaction and if i am not getting real reactions, then how will i ever know when im doing something which precipitates the issues im working on? If i frustrate him, i am likely frustrating others the same way, i want to know that.

does he flip out or raise his voice? nope.. not one iota. He knows i am afraid of anger. i would never be able to put serious trust into someone who hid all of their negative feelings.. it would be fake to me. It has been over a year with him and he has voiced frustration on three occasions.

but anger is not really appropriate.. unless you're violent or abusive or something. What could a client be doing that would ellicit anger anyway? Even an angry client is a given some of the time, comes with the job. i could not keep seeing a therapist like that.

[Merlin]

I believe that 99.99% of the time T's should not outwardly express anger. In rare cases I think it could actually help, if the clients behavior is out of control. You don't sound that way at all and, like many others here have said, I would not, could not, have an angry T.

[gardenergirl]

Does she link her feelings of anger to specific behaviors or actions on your part? If so, though it would be unpleasant, I can see how it might be therapeutic. But even so, if it's not therapeutic for you--if you're not learning something from it or if it's doing damage versus building skills or confidence or something, I think it's not a good thing. Definitely something to talk about with her.

Take care,

gg

[nightbird]

you know, they are not gods

they should be professional and uphold their end, as you are the patient in their care

years ago, i knew a psychologist who smoked dope, popped pills, had a sexual addiction, and other flaws besides those as people usually do, but got her doctorate to counsel people - as it was her ideal career.

when i needed therapy at that time for a divorce, i remember avoiding her, although i was offered a discount as we were neighbors, and i watched her children with mine on a barter syatem as we both worked out that was great at the time ...

my point being, they (T's) are people, ordinary people, but when they take on the oath to protect and aide people, and not to harm in any way they would be responsible for... for those four to six or eight hours every other day they do this type of work, they are to uphold that oath. some aren't really quite right for the job, while others are wonderful, well suited and skilled, and then there are some who use that position to grow up and fix themselves on the job.

you are lucky if you have someone who understands that they must leave their life problems, their attitudes, and personal preferences regarding others outside the door for the 50 minutes they see someone, and if they cannot control that - i'd find someone who can.

i'm looking desperately for someone right now, but knowing what i do, about past experiences, and friends and 'neighbors', i am trying my best to be careful and i think i'll know the quality of a pro when i see it... (like a good fabric, you know it when you feel it).

the consequences of neglecting using this kind of discrimination, for myself and my loved ones, would just postpone getting the right care i deserve, and end up being a waste of money, to say the least, and the valuable time needed for my healing at a most important, opportune time.

hope i haven't offended.

night

[lauren_helene]

I for one could not go to a therapist who is a blank screen. On the other hand, anger is inappropriate and more about her than you. The only exception I would make is if you hurt her in some way which I doubt.

My T is pretty expressive and I like that. He rarely tells me how he feels internally about our relationship but I can tell through his comments back to me what he is probably feeling.

Honestly, look into other therapists and at least go to a consultation and make your decision then.

I wouldn't tolerate anger from her, I've got plenty of that myself