Growth... I think

I went by myself to a free workshop on Nonviolent Communication. I really liked it! It felt really good to go to something that aligned just with my interests. I did it for me. The feeling was so rare, and it made me realize how throughout the marriage I rarely did anything just for me. The girls and husband always came first. Where have I been all these years? I have signed up to take the next workshop in this series on Friday.

The divorce continues. T told me how the team set up a number of special provisions for our big meetings to help me feel safe there. I guess I could have felt kind of insulted or embarrassed that they did this, but I didn't. I just felt taken care of. They are trying hard to enable me to get through this, and I appreciate it.

At my sessions with T, the conversation just flows. Often now I feel we are so attuned. I can tell him things I wouldn't have been able to even 3 months ago. Little glitches between us can be quickly brought to the table and dealt with. It just seems easy to raise these things with him. Then these bumps don't fester and grow and become much worse than they need be. This all seems amazing to me, like a miracle.

Last session he asked if I had been able to read his handwriting (very scrawly) as he was the notetaker on the white board at our previous big meeting. I said no. What?! I sat there and took notes for everyone and you couldn't even read what I wrote? That's right, I said, adding, you're so cute. We laughed. Such an easy companionship. (He sometimes tells me I am cute when I do something he finds endearing. So right back atcha T!)

In this session too, I told T of a dynamic between my husband and me so he could be aware and watch for it at our meetings. This is that I must be very careful not to be at all assertive or have opinions or he gets angry. And his anger makes me give in, try to appease him. It's been hard for me to try to be this way (submissive, passive, don't speak before spoken to, etc.) for 20 years. Now we’re apart, and I hate it when I act in this manner, but I can’t help it when I am around him. As I explained this to T, I felt momentarily sad, for all the years of marriage I had spent in that situation, walking on eggshells, holding back my thoughts and feelings and true self. T immediately said, "you're sad." I swear, sometimes he knows what I am feeling before I even have a chance to notice it myself. Yes, I said, and let a few tears slide out as we continued talking. It was just no big deal, to be able to be sad and cry with a person, have them acknowledge and accept it, just like it is a natural part of life. I realize I can be myself with T--what a contrast. I remember saying, I’m not doing that again, and T asked, doing what? And I said, I'm not having a relationship like that again. Good, he said. (And maybe inside he was thinking "finally!") You deserve more and you just walk away if that’s how it is. I will, I said, it’s not worth it. No, it’s not, he said. I just want to be able to be myself. I think T was saying a prayer of thanks to the therapy Gods upon hearing his client make these pronouncements. He then shared a moment from his first marriage, and I saw that he knew exactly how I felt. Empathy rooted in shared experience. His disclosure models success and makes it seem possible for me too.

Maybe I'm taking that communication course to find others who also value communication and want to learn to communicate better. Maybe I’m trying to expand my circle of healthy relationships. I’m not sure, but it seems important that I go, a positive thing for me, maybe just a small way of being myself.

Sunny,

this sounds like tremendous growth.

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Where have I been all these years?

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I ask myself that question frequently!

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At my sessions with T, the conversation just flows. Often now I feel we are so attuned. I can tell him things I wouldn't have been able to even 3 months ago.

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Awesome! I know what you mean about telling things you couldn't a few months ago. You and T have settled into a comfortable, supportive, empathic relationship. That is wonderful

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Empathy rooted in shared experience.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Nice! My son (when he is anxious about something) will often say, "Did this ever happen to you when you were my age?" There is nothing like the comfort/connection that can be made through shared experience.

Congratulations! It sounds like things really are moving forward for you.

Peace

I'm happy for you, it's great that you have such a great connection with your T.

Sunrise,
You session sounds like it was really good. I had a comfortable session last week as well. I sat deep in the ugly couch, faced her directly and just had a relaxed conversation. I can honestly say for the first time I felt comfortable during the session. When I left I actually felt better than when I went in, this is a first for me. I think I've grown a bit too.

I think that accepting your teams special provisions without feeling embarrassed says a lot.

I wanted to just add that doing something for yourself after you have done for everyone else is a big thing too. I have yet to acknowledge to myself that I have needs of my own. Even when I think I've identified one or two personal wants or needs, they always seem to benefit another family member in some way as well. Last week my golf league started, I usually feel guilty about saying after the round to chat and socialize with the other ladies. I told myself, f*&amp;^ it, I'm staying! I prepared dinner for H and the kids, and told H I'd be home late. Except for my kids waiting up for me on a school night, I didn't feel guilty at all.

I'm glad you are taking the course. Doing something different that is for one's self and "getting out there" is always a good thing. "Variety is the spice of life" and it's the only way we can get experience too. It's fine not to want to be stuck in the same groove but if that groove is all we know, we'll be stuck in it again in no time!

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I have signed up to take the next workshop in this series on Friday.

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Good for you!

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Little glitches between us can be quickly brought to the table and dealt with. It just seems easy to raise these things with him. Then these bumps don't fester and grow and become much worse than they need be.

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I can't wait until I reach this point with my T. You have made so much progress! It's really good to hear of all the good things that are happening to you. You deserve this, Sunny! Enjoy it and keep sharing with us, it gives me hope that therapy will have a happy ending

Wonderful, hopeful, insightful post...thanks for sharing
(it really made me think )

Thanks, everyone. Sounds like a few think it is good I am taking the workshop, so I feel encouraged. I won't chicken out and not go.

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mckell13 wrote:
I think that accepting your teams special provisions without feeling embarrassed says a lot.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Ya know, I think so too. I can see a year or two ago I might have really pushed people away if they did something like that (I'm strong, I don't need your special help! Do you take me for a basket case or what?!), but now I am accepting that some special help could really be, well, helpful! And these people want to give it, so take it, lean on some people, it's easier if I don't have to do it all on my own and be the stoic, strong, "I can do it all on my own" kind of person. It's kind of cool I can do that now. Good for you, mckell, that you went out with your golf buddies for some chat and relaxation. You deserve it!

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Soliaree wrote:
I can't wait until I reach this point with my T. You have made so much progress! It's really good to hear of all the good things that are happening to you. You deserve this, Sunny! Enjoy it and keep sharing with us, it gives me hope that therapy will have a happy ending

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Umm, Soliaree, please don't talk about me and my therapy and "ending" in the same paragraph, kay? It's the sort of thing that can strike terror in my heart. But yes, I get your drift, and from what you've told us about you and your T, I think you are moving toward your own happiness in therapy.

I feel in a good mood today for some reason.

Totally good work, sunrise!!

sunny, thank you for providing the link to the book. i went there and read a bit and i like the way it sounds... i would love to be able to not judge every single thing and i think practicing this would be very helpful.

i'm really really glad you're getting, taking, and feeling good about time for you .

> I went by myself to a free workshop on Nonviolent Communication.

Free is good.

I often find Amazon reader reviews to be valuable. Here is what one reviewer of the book on Amazon had to say. (This doesn't necessarily say that the book is totally great.):

"Empathy is the key: once somebody feels that you understand them, and that you are trying to feel what they feel, then they will be more more likely to speak honestly with you to resolve conflict. Empathy trumps psychology every time. However, it also requires you to suspend all judgment that the other person is a monster -- merely another human being trying to fulfill their needs in the only way they know how.

"The rules behind nonviolent communication are simple, and believable, but the application is extremely difficult. Our brains are wired for survival, not dialog. If I were speaking to a psychopath, the last thing on my mind would be his needs! However, Marshall gives several examples on how empathy is the most effective weapon when you want to defuse a dangerous situation.

"Its instinctive to make snap judgments when we feel threatened. It takes a lot of courage and practice to do what Marshall does..."

pachy and ECHOES, I'm really pleased to see your interest in non-violent communication (NVC). I do have the book and have read the first few chapters and love it. It really resonates with me. I've had 2 workshops so far based on this book, one last Fall called The Power of Empathy, and I really liked it. (I'm very good at suspending judgment of people, possibly too good, so empathy in challenging situations is something I can learn to do.) I was able to take some of what I learned at the empathy workshop and immediately apply it in real life with good results, both at home and at work. I just used it yesterday on the phone with a difficult and demanding person and it just totally defused the situation and made her calm down. (Kind of like magic!) From that first workshop, I realized I had so much more to learn, so when this free workshop on NVC came up last week, I jumped at the chance. We did more in that workshop and just as that quote you provided said, pachyderm, it is hard to apply in real life! It takes not only understanding but practice. There is a 4 part communication pattern they recommend, and the 4th part is really hard for me, as it is usually in the form of a request. Making requests of people if extremely hard for me due to my deep-rooted fear of rejection. But it is something I would like to work on. Plus, what if you are brave enough to make the request and the person says point blank "no"? What then? How do I respond? I have a lot to learn.... I'm looking forward to tomorrow's workshop but just came down with a cold, so I hope I am not too tired after work tomorrow to go.

For anyone interested in NVC, there is a national organization and it has links to local groups so you could possibly find a source of training in your area.
http://www.cnvc.org/

Today I get to see T. My weekly dose of energy, healing, whatever it is we generate.... I think the sum of us adds up to more than the parts.

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sunrise said:what if you are brave enough to make the request and the person says point blank "no"? What then? How do I respond?

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Wait. Listen. If the situation allows. See what happens next. Ask questions, possibly.

This is all assuming you don't have to defend yourself physically !

Pachyderm, I'm going to ask this question too when I go to my workshop on Friday. I'm interested to see what the NVC response would be.

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There is a 4 part communication pattern they recommend, and the 4th part is really hard for me, as it is usually in the form of a request. Making requests of people if extremely hard for me due to my deep-rooted fear of rejection. But it is something I would like to work on. Plus, what if you are brave enough to make the request and the person says point blank "no"? What then? How do I respond? I have a lot to learn.... I'm looking forward to tomorrow's workshop but just came down with a cold, so I hope I am not too tired after work tomorrow to go.

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Sunny, did you get to go?

It sounds like some assertiveness (training) is built into this. I did some of this with a former T (the one who wanted to do hypnotherapy). One thing she taught me was not only do I have a right to make a request but the other (and therefore me too when I am on the other end) has the right to refuse the request. And that their refusal is about them, not me. It is hard for me to not take it personally.

I wanted to share on this thread the lyrics in the book you gave the link to in a previous post because I just love them. It is another of my issues, feeling so deeply indebted to those who give to me.

Lyrics by Ruth Behermeyer from the song "Given To" on the album "Given To", provided by the authors to describe "giving from the heart". The authors wrote: "What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart."

Given To

I never feel more given to
than when you take from me--
When you understand the joy I feel
giving to you.
And you know my giving isn't done
to put you in my debt,
But because I want to live the love
I feel for you.
To receive with grace
May be the greatest giving.
There's no way I can separate
the two.
When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me,
I feel so given to.

Ruth Behermeyer