Congruence, growth, trust

My session last week was one of those great ones. I've been basking in it for 4 days now.

I felt like I reached a new level of trust with my therapist. And we are congruent again. There have been some recent sessions of dissonance that have left me confused. In the week leading up to my session, I went through many changes in thinking and feeling. I seemed so inconsistent--thinking something one day and the next reaching almost the opposite conclusion, and even reversing my thoughts on something I had clung vehemently to for months. I shared some of this with my T. He said I am growing and changing. Like the cherry tree in his yard. One day with buds, the next with blossoms, then small pale green leaves, then large leaves. It's called growth, he said, not reversal or inconsistency.

This was one of those rare sessions where I cried. I was very open and let myself share some hard moments. I had to do a lot of looking at the ground, but I let the tears come. And told him some really difficult things. I thought of my fantasy a few weeks ago, of cutting myself open and letting myself bleed onto his carpet. So I did some bleeding this session. It felt good, honest, authentic.

In this session, I gave T invitations and openings, and he took them. There was a dance of indirectness that was charming. And when he accepted I almost could not help but grin, and had to change the topic abruptly to help myself contain the joy.

We're going to take a new direction in therapy, not without its risks. I feel a real trust in T for this. Something happened in the session, a moment of relaxing into the trust and really meaning it. I liken it to the moment when I was giving birth to my second child, and the head was crowning and I was really scared of ripping or having to have an episiotomy (I did not want the doctor cutting my flesh or having to stitch me up). My doctor just put his hand on my belly, and the other hand on the baby's head and told me to relax, don't be afraid, just listen to him and do what he said, and he would deliver me without any tearing. And in that moment I just trusted him completely, totally relaxed, and everything came out fine, just like he said. That's how I felt with my T in our session. Like there was a moment where something changed and I just totally gave my trust to him. He had some reassurances to give me, but I didn't really need them. I also listened to his hesitations/warnings about the dangers to our bond. I asked, "but you can do this, right?" He said, "yes, but what about you?" And I said "we can handle this," and I could tell it made him feel good that I had such faith in us.

As I said in another thread somewhere, sometimes I have moments of connection with my T that are almost mystical. And such moments are always healing.

hey. that sounds like a wonderful session :-)
i'm so happy that you are feeling connected again. i was reading something and it said that in order for change to occur there had to be some fragmentation. the idea was that the therapist fulfills some function... then when that support is perceived to be lacking and / or withdrawn then there is some kind of fragmentation. then the ego kind of fulfills that function. transmuting internalisation. i've been thinking about that... maybe... the feelings of disconnection on the background of trust was what enabled you to make some of those changes. maybe.

i'm glad you are feeling connected :-)

That is a beautiful connection. And it sound as if you are really internalizing it so that you can stay connected outside of therapy. I loved your analogy of your trust in your T, likened to the trust in your doctor when giving birth. Perhaps you are giving birth to something completely new with your T.

I love your use of the word congruence. It brings forth images of two parallel lines (not straight lines but wavy) in perfect harmony, like you and your T are now. Your analogies of cutting and bleeding and giving birth remind me of another thread where we discussed death and birth as happening in the therapeutic context. I think this is one of those moments for you. The concept of a mystical moment has magical qualities embedded in it. I think the magic is the successful working through of the barriers to openness that blocked the path between you and your T. Oh, it sounds like you are the victor in a glorious battle!

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maybe... the feelings of disconnection on the background of trust was what enabled you to make some of those changes. maybe.

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Thanks, alex. I think that may be it. Somehow coming back to congruence seems so much more powerful and sweeter too after some dissonance. Maybe the changes would not have occurred without the dissonance in the therapeutic relationship. Interesting.

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Perhaps you are giving birth to something completely new with your T.

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Cool! I like that, pinksoil. The metaphor of birth is a very positive, life-affirming one. I hadn't even thought of that when I wrote it, I just said it because it was the nearest feeling I'd ever had before to what happened with my T in therapy. Maybe I will share the birth story with him, I think he might like it.

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The concept of a mystical moment has magical qualities embedded in it. I think the magic is the successful working through of the barriers to openness that blocked the path between you and your T.

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There was something magical. It's amazing what can happen in the room during therapy, isn't it?

It is amazing.

I am pleased for you and I know that sometimes things need to break apart to come back together in a better way. You are doing well and I am pleased for you.

Best wishes to both of you in your change of direction. The desire to do this and both of your willingness will provide a good basis for this as well as both of your willingness to look at and reassess as needed. I get the impression that both are you are able to do that.