T suggested less frequent sessions, but I said no

So today we had kind of a dull session and talked about some of my worries about the financial settlement. It is nervewracking. I asked T a communications question about how to respond in the negotiations if my H says "no" to a proposal I might make. I can't even remember what he said, but I didn't feel his answer was helpful. I still don't know how to respond. I interpret "no" to mean end of story, no further discussion allowed, but I guess that's not how it works. [/clueless]

Towards the end of the session when I wrote T 3 checks for various services, I noticed they totalled to exactly $XXXX and I made a surprised comment about that. T was also a bit taken aback (I've never paid him so much at once). Then he said, "you know if you need to save some money, we could always...." I wondered what he was going to say. Would he suggest I pay him a lower rate? Or that he curtail some of his coach duties? Or what? But what he actually said, was "we could always meet less frequently, things seem to have calmed down, you could skip a week here and there." Sheesh, this wasn't what I wanted to hear. Yeah, things were kind of calm today, but I really like seeing him each week. I find it very helpful, it can totally turn my mood around and provides me with so much support during this challenging time. So then he got his calendar and asked me when I wanted to make my next appointment (we don't have a standing appt, I make them one at a time at the end of session each week). He waited expectantly to see if I would skip a week or not. I told him I found coming to see him each week really helpful so I would like to see him again next week. He smiled and said, "I'm glad this is so helpful for you" and we made the appointment. So that wasn't so hard. I had wanted to feel rejected when he first suggested I could save money by not seeing him so frequently, but he really wasn't rejecting me, just making a suggestion. He let me make the appointment at a frequency in line with my needs. I felt pretty grown-up to be able to do that without getting bent out of shape or becoming depressed. In the past, I might have lessened the frequency of sessions at his suggestion, thinking that was what he wanted me to do. But today I was able to listen to my own needs and act upon them. That may seem small, but it is very big to me. A year ago I couldn't have done that.

So the session was kind of calm, kind of dull, but I did get a hug at the end, and that's always nice.

Oh, that's wonderful! Negotiating rocky rapids and realizing we have changed and things can stay all right during such conversations is such a good feeling. And now you do have that option to help save some money if you decide you want to. What a good gift you and T both gave you (and T :-)

(((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))
I'm glad you were able to do what was best for you.
My T has suggested in the past that I could go less often if I wanted, I always say no way.

That is great Sunny! There definitely was potential to do what you think he wants you to do when actually it was just a suggestion.

The old me used to go along with that with my T and now I remind him constantly about my wed 7pm time slot. Ha!

I'm glad you spoke up!

Sunny - that is big! Totally big! I just did that too with my MD. she told me to hang on and wait because she is moving but then I may not get in for 3 months (and i start hyperventlating at 6 weeks). So yesterday I made an appointment anyway at 5 weeks. Like you, it seems almost small in some ways, but it really is big. I did what I needed for me - and she may even think it odd (probably not tho) but it was really important to listen to my own needs and act on them.
Gold star Sunrise!!!!

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sunrise said:
So today we had kind of a dull session and talked about some of my worries about the financial settlement. It is nervewracking. I asked T a communications question about how to respond in the negotiations if my H says "no" to a proposal I might make. I can't even remember what he said, but I didn't feel his answer was helpful. I still don't know how to respond. I interpret "no" to mean end of story, no further discussion allowed, but I guess that's not how it works. [/clueless]

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That's not something within the realm of psychology. There's no clear answer to that issue, and if you're looking for a bright line, you're not going to find it. You just need to feel out your opponent and try to ascertain whether they're playing games and waiting for a counter offer. Pay close attention to the language your H uses.

That is so great! Plus, it gives me hope that it might someday change for me too. I'd have probably quit forever!

Kiya, good for you in making the earlier appointment! Gold star for you too.

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Edahn said:
That's not something within the realm of psychology.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I guess you have a limited view. It is communication. My therapist is a family counselor and is an expert at helping people learn to communicate better. It is well within the realm of psychotherapy. I hope to revisit this topic with him next time. He has really taught me so much about communication, but I have so much more to learn.

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Edahn wrote:
if you're looking for a bright line, you're not going to find it

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I'm not looking for a bright line. I'm sincerely interested in better communication, not a flippant comeback. How would that help things? Seems to me it would be counterproductive. I'm looking for a way to move negotiations forward when one party says "no." I have difficulty hearing "no" and continuing to engage due to my rejection issues and fear of my husband. (I tend to just give up and withdraw and let him "win".) Therapists can help with this sort of thing.

Edahn, I am taking some courses in non-violent communication and hope to learn more there about possible ways to respond when the answer is "no." I'll report back on what I learn as I progress. If you are interested in the non-violent communication method, you can learn more here: http://www.cnvc.org

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sunrise said:
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Edahn said:
That's not something within the realm of psychology.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I guess you have a limited view. It is communication. My therapist is a family counselor and is an expert at helping people learn to communicate better. It is well within the realm of psychotherapy. I hope to revisit this topic with him next time. He has really taught me so much about communication, but I have so much more to learn.

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Fair enough.

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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Edahn wrote:
if you're looking for a bright line, you're not going to find it

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I'm not looking for a bright line. I'm sincerely interested in better communication, not a flippant comeback. How would that help things? Seems to me it would be counterproductive. I'm looking for a way to move negotiations forward when one party says "no." I have difficulty hearing "no" and continuing to engage due to my rejection issues and fear of my husband. (I tend to just give up and withdraw and let him "win".) Therapists can help with this sort of thing.

Edahn, I am taking some courses in non-violent communication and hope to learn more there about possible ways to respond when the answer is "no." I'll report back on what I learn as I progress. If you are interested in the non-violent communication method, you can learn more here: http://www.cnvc.org

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Here's an idea: be honest and upfront and put the ball in his court. Just say something like: I'm interested in settling and talking. I know there're a lot of other issues floating around that makes open communication difficult, but it's something I think we'll both be appreciative for later on. I've made a proposal, you've said no. I would like to continue some dialogue, but I can't if all you offer me is a one-word response. If you're not interested in negotiating and I'm just wasting my time, please let me know. If you're interested in resolving this, then it's time to start talking, punk.

(you could always leave "punk" out)