Relationships, communication, & fridge magnets

Last week T called his wife while we were in session because he wanted her to get some home repair information off a magnet on their refrigerator to give to me. She wasn't at home to do this, so he left her a message. It was a very loving message (they're newlyweds after all, and of course he is a very warm and loving guy). His message reminded me of the messages I leave for my girls and how we talk on the phone. I realized it was because we have a loving relationship, just like T has a loving relationship with his wife. The huge contrast of course is with my husband. Did we ever leave messages like that for each other? Did he ever tell me he loved me? Was there any caring and intimacy in our relationship? And of course the big question--did we even have a relationship? What is a relationship and how could I live with him for 20 years when it's looking more and more like we didn't even have one?

This workshop on non-violent communication I went to last night made me think along similar lines. One of the things we did was create a poster on the wall about relationships and we kept adding to it as the night wore on. On the poster we drew a sun, with each ray being an item from a list of things that we need and get from relationships (and give to others). By the end of the workshop, the sun had at least fifty rays shooting out from it. As the evening wore on, I realized almost none of these rays/needs were filled in my relationship with my husband. It was sobering, sad, shocking. I didn't know we were that bad off. But seeing it in black and white, helped me to face facts--that's how we were. I started thinking of other relationships in my life, like with my daughters and yes, even with my T, and realized how many rays on the sun were part of these relationships, and it is a lot! This made me feel sad, but not hopeless, as I am leaving the "relationship" with my H and saying no to having so few of my needs met in a relationship.

Somehow the experience of therapy and getting a divorce is helping me to recognize my own needs more clearly. At the workshop, we discussed how the first part of communication is self-connection. I have been really poor at that--knowing what I am feeling inside and what need isn't being met. I think I just put all my feelings and needs behind an impenetrable barrier so I wouldn't be hurt by the pain of my marriage. I guess that's why I was able to stay for 20 years. I feel ready to be done with that way of existence and I don't just mean being married. I want to learn how to become more aware of my feelings and needs. This communications course could help me a lot with that. And therapy too. How can I have lived 4 decades on the planet and not have known that I had needs? (I think this is a good lesson for me too as a parent--that it is not just obvious to a person that they have needs and maybe I can do something proactively to help my children learn this.)

About T and his magnet: I really liked learning that he had a repairs magnet on his fridge--the type that lists the company name, logo, phone number, etc. I have a half dozen of those on my fridge too! His magnet made me feel like "good, he's just a normal guy, not someone with neat and tidy, spotless appliances." Hey, kind of like me! Then I looked around his office at the clutter and many stacks of folders and papers on his desk and again felt the same thing. He would feel right at home in my office.

(((((((((((sunrise)))))))))))))))

I couldn't help imagining your workshop poster activity. I cringe whenever i attend a class or workshop and the speaker starts handing out the large sheets of paper and markers. LOL. I hate these activities is because they not only require introspection and self assessment, but also standing up and sharing it with the group. I usually learn a lot, but am really uncomfortable doing it.

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I have been really poor at that--knowing what I am feeling inside and what need isn't being met.

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I've realized through therapy how totally out of touch I am with what i personally need or want. I've ignored myself for a long time, I have no idea what my personal wants/need are. My sun would not have many rays at this point.

Therapy has had a profound effect on a lot of my relationships (children, friends and professional). As I've connected with the inner me and started to risk sharing it with others, they have responded positively and moved closer to me. It seems like the only relationship that has not improved is the one with my H.

I really think I need to continue to get to know myself (all the ego states), even if it means that some relationships don't survive this exploration.

Mckell, I hear ya on the posters and markers thing. Fortunately, this was a group activity and the idea wasn't to tell about your personal relationships but about "relationships" as an abstract thing. There was only one sun drawn for the entire group, which was about 20 people, plus the trainer helped. So altogether our sun had 50 rays! So I didn't have to do too much introspection or risk showing a barren sun. So we created one sun that has all the needs in a relationship, most of which are universal, not just particular to one person. Every person contributed from zero to several ideas for rays. I think I only suggested one thing: reciprocity. I guess that's an important need to me since I have felt for ages that my relationship with my husband was not reciprocal, and more recently the mutualism in my relationship with my T has made me recognize how wonderful it is to have this and that I want it in future relationships! But even though I only contributed one ray, all the other needs that people contributed were things I could see were needs in any relationship. So now I have a master list of sorts (in my head) and need to work on identifying which need is not being met when I get feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. (And of course first I need to work on even identifying what I am feeling, because I am really bad at that too.)

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mckell13 wrote:
I really think I need to continue to get to know myself (all the ego states), even if it means that some relationships don't survive this exploration.

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Self exploration is the journey of a lifetime. I am only in ther early stages. I think it is to be expected that some of your relationships will not continue as you change and outgrow them. That can be sad, but it is part of life, and we can grieve the loss and continue on.

At first I was reminded of the fridge magnet I had at my old house (on my old fridge?) that said, "No woman has ever shot a man while he was doing dishes."

That is a neat, warm connection to realize one has with others though, fridge magnets. I have my vet, appliance repair, Realtor, gas company, etc.

Sunny it sounds like a great workshop. I would have loved hearing all the different suggestions for the sun's rays. I think I would have had a lot of "..oh.. yeah" moments about other's suggestions. Needs and feelings.. like Greek to me!

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ECHOES said:
I would have loved hearing all the different suggestions for the sun's rays. I think I would have had a lot of "..oh.. yeah" moments about other's suggestions.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That's exactly how it was. I was sitting in the "audience" having quite a lot going on in my head as the workshop progressed. As the sun was created, with each ray, I thought, "yeah, I need and want that too, but wow, I didn't have that in my marriage either. or that. or that." It was almost too much for me. It was a two hour session and the next stage is either a series of four weekly 3 hour sessions or two 6 hour sessions on consecutive days. I don't think I could handle the latter format. I get overloaded and zone out. I need time and space to process. Maybe having therapy once a week has "trained" me for that. It is such a luxury to have a full week between sessions to process and figure things out (although there are times I have wished to see T more often!).

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It is such a luxury to have a full week between sessions to process and figure things out (although there are times I have wished to see T more often!).

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Today for some reason I decided to go back and review my journal entries for the past 3 months. A lot seems to have happened. My sessions have typically been every two weeks. At the end of January my head finally exploded on paper and I disclosed a lot of stuff via a letter. The result was a major rupture between my T and I for the month of February, followed by weekly sessions in March, and now the return to a session every other week in April.

I was really thankful that my T was able to see my distress after Feb and offered me weekly appointments. I think this helped me a lot. I'm also glad, I've now been able to move back to less frequent sessions again. I think I need time to process stuff. I hope that if I happen to need weekly sessions again, that I will be able to ask for them directly. This would be a major step for me.