[Mouse_]

So I know T is a therapist and has to charge for sessions, I know all of this, but right now a part of me is having an inner battle to dissolve the wall that keeps real T from the fantasy T...

I've never consioulsy had a problem with boundaries as such and having to pay, I think whats brought this new awareness up is T offering me 3xwly after the last break, yes of course I paid for the extra sessions for the 2 weeks after the break, and now I'm back to 2xwkly and FEELING IT!, now I feel abandoned all over again and want T to see just how helpful 3x was and to take pity on me and say "Oh just come on that extra day anyway and don't pay for it, I;ll do it out of the goodness of my heart"...

I hate myself for thinking this because it also puts part of myself at war with the "good" T and now can't understand how she can be so real and genuine in session and yet not offer me this little thing.

I wrote and wrote last night about my feelings around this and wrote how little I know off her life and what sacrifices shes made in raising her 2 children alone, well I think it was alone as shes on her own now as I've checked the electral records and see she is the only one named living at her address as her children are grown now, and how she must have had to work hard to self support, shes a teacher on an online university course thingy as well, so seems to have been able to earn a living as well as raise her family and here I am wanting her to scarifice herself to me!!

I KNOW none of this is fair, oh wait, this is where T would say " no this may not seem fair, but these are feelings that you are feeling right now", but I don't want to feel these feelings because it HURTS!!! It hurts that I have to work to understand YET AGAIN that T is a seperate person and isn't going to "rescue" me, yes she will help me work through my issues, but shes not about to lay down her life for me.

Lets play the tape for a moment, T says, Ok come 3x and dont worry about paying, it seems to be working for you. AArrr yes so you do care? You do adore me? then the weeks go by and something else comes up to which I once again want her to give into me, then what? I'm left afraid of my own wants because the boundary has been broken and now I wonder who will catch me when my wants grow into that monster? but should I see my wants as monsterous? Or is it that once upon a time they seemed like that becasue my wants were once my needs?

It hurts trying to dissolve the walls inside of me and learn that getting ones own way all off the time really isn't what one needs. Perhaps inside I am testing T out once again to see if she can survive my wants? because once upon a time, someone didnt surivive my wants/needs?

Oh but it hurts, I feel I want to collapse into T's arms crying at her because she wont give in, unyet feelnig safe knowing that although she doesn't give in, that doesn mean she stops caring...

breathe 1-2-3

[pachyderm]

"It hurts that I have to work to understand YET AGAIN that T is a seperate person and isn't going to "rescue" me, yes she will help me work through my issues, but shes not about to lay down her life for me"

Yeah, this. This is so painful to me too. I know I want, on a really deep level, to go back and do my whole childhood over again with T as my parent. I feel so strongly the things that I missed out on when T gives them to me now, even a little bit. It is hard and it hurts.

Sending you lots of

[Perna]

When things get to hurting in that way for me, I try to shift "wider" and include my stepmother and/or myself. When you're all "grown up" (in your fantasy world :-) and your own person, do you want to be that dependent on T? The 2 year old still has that wonderful urge to move away from the mother as well as keep her in sight to run back to for safety and comfort if something bad happens. Find your self, explore, urge and ease the hurt that way?

[Kiya]

my t was also talking about the "wider" view and trying to get me to encompass more than just the narrow viewpoint of my pain and fears. good point perna

(((((((((((mouse!!!!!!!))))))))))))

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
earthmama said:
"It hurts that I have to work to understand YET AGAIN that T is a seperate person and isn't going to "rescue" me, yes she will help me work through my issues, but shes not about to lay down her life for me"

Yeah, this. This is so painful to me too. I know I want, on a really deep level, to go back and do my whole childhood over again with T as my parent.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Early in some of my trauma work, T taught me techniques where I could "go back" and rescue my younger ego states from their pain and awful experiences and give them comfort. It was really powerful, they were kind of like visualization techniques. I don't know--he just suggested I do certain things, at first when we were doing EMDR on childhood trauma, and I found that I could do the visualizations and rescues that he pointed me towards. It was so healing.... Mouse, earthmama, might something like this be helpful to you too?

[Kiya]

sunrise, can i borrow your t??

[sunrise]

Yes, Kiya, of course.

[Mouse_]

Sunrise, T has never told me to do that, but I've found it happens on its own.

I've just come back from T where something came up that I had no idea was going to today, and toward the end of the session I woke up again. I've been lost in a moment in time from the past most of this week so really any logical advice given here this week was just going over my head because I was coming from a small part.

I told T each time I do this I keep promsing myself I will flick or pinch myself and tell myself this is about the past, but then I find I've been "lost" again without being aware of it and couldnt pinch myself, T replied "YET"...

Earthmama, thanks I think yours was the only post that that part of me felt connected too. Which leads me to think, really is it worth while posting and giving and recieving advice when at times its just parts that are posting and not up to hearing? or giving?

[Fuzzybear]

[Perna]

Oh, I love your T's "yet"! I bet the amount of time it takes you to wake up is getting shorter and shorter.