[MissCharlotte]

Last week when I arrived at therapy, the door was closed as usual. I went to the bathroom and when I came back into the waiting room T's door was opened. I always wait to be invited into the room. I sat there and was comforted by his presence with the door opened. T came out to the waiting room, grabbed the bathroom key and gestured for me to go on into the room. I sat on the couch as usual and when he came into the room, he took about 30 seconds to do a couple of things, getting a new box of tissues, pouring a cup of water, putting some paperwork on his desk, etc.

I loved sitting there watching him move around It was so comforting.

Then he sat down and we began.

I was thinking about this exchange and how safe it made me feel. It was so soothing. It reminds me of how much I love it when my H is home and working in the kitchen. I love sitting in the den and knowing he is there just doing stuff. And if he is working outside I sometimes sit nearby also.

These experiences also remind me of my own children and how they would play nearby when they were toddlers---just doing their own thing, but in my presence.

I don't have any memory of playing in my mother's presence although I must have. In fact, I have very little (if any) early childhood memory at all. However, it has become clear that I didn't get enough of her. She was not present enough--there was no constancy about her. All I can conjure up when I try to think about it is an image of her always on the go--never staying in one place.

This week for the first time I remembered T's face outside of session. I woke up knowing I had dreamed about it--but I carried it with me throughout the day yesterday, and this morning I still can "see" it.

Sigh.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( MissCharlotte )))))))))))))))

[kim_johnson]

Hey,

I have a similar thing with my ritual of waiting in the waiting room. When I arrive on time he is usually waiting right by the door (I think he can see me coming out the window of his office). Sometimes I arrive a bit early, though. Sometimes even before him lol. There is something comforting about that. Partly because it is often really cold outside so the waiting room is respite. Partly because I can hear him pottering around in his morning ritual. Going to the bathroom and getting water and stuff like that. I'm confident enough to open the blinds in the waiting room now lol (I never used to be so he used to do that). But yeah, there is something soothing in a toddler kinda way. Sometimes I read a bit but really, I'm just listening to him...

[sunrise]

MissC, my T often putters about for a minute when I first come in the room too. It does make me feel right at home, like he is comfortable enough to do that with me there instead of having to be very formal and businesslike and immediately take up his position on the couch opposite me. It is indeed very comforting and makes me feel close to him.

That's great you can recall his face and carry it with you. That too must be very comforting.

i still can't remember what T really looks like Someone asked me a little while ago to describe him.. and i could up to a point and then nothing... she asked me if he had a mustahce and i truly did not know.. i once snuck a pic of him while showing him something on my video camera (i later fessed up)... but when i saw him on the video afterwards i was a little shocked. He looked happy and openly friendly.. not annoyed or angry toward me as my mind sort of conjures up...

he asked me why i took the pic and i told him it was because i couldn't remember what he looked like . He wanted to know why it was important to remember that.. and i said so that i could "talk" to him... that's normal isn't it?

i've pretty much given up on trying to hold onto remembering his face or having him with me... it disappears.

[DePressMe]

MissCharlotte, I love to watch my pdoc go about his business. i try not to let him see me watching. I also struggled with remembering my pdocs face....just recently I too have been able to remember it. What a comforting thought/feeling.

[Merlin]

My mom has my pdoc's med school group graduation photo. He was in the same class with her... and a lot of other docs. He's changed some since them but I can look it. I think my mom also has the more current reunion photo, but I'm not sure where that is. I can usually remember though.

[kessa19]

I once told my T she is the most beautiful person in the world and I wish I could listen to her voice forever . Too bad I can't remember either her face or her voice when I leave that room.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi everyone,

Yes DePressme it is very comforting and I still have the image in my head! This is new for me Jello so you may get there after all. Have faith! So it is so true that the toddler in me wants so much to be in his presence. I'll just have to bring him with me!

[crazybones]

well that is a good thing i guess when you think of it like that

[MissCharlotte]

It's a good thing I remembered his face as he forgot to be there for session today.

Arrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[mountainstream]

((((((((MissCharlotte)))))))))