Face to face vs. On the phone

Whenever I am on the phone with T I push him away after about 10 minutes or sometimes much, much less. (1 or 2 minutes) I have been wondering why I do this and just realized something.

I push him away because I have a tendency to spill my guts on the phone about things I can't say face to face. For example, the first time I spoke to him about SI was on the phone and I have used the phone to tell him about some other things that are difficult for me to talk about when I am in session. So, when I am on the phone, the conversation gets really intense very quickly. It's like I just have to blurt this information out and then hang up before he realizes it's me! Then, in session, he rarely brings up the phone conversation.

I don't do the e-mail thing with him, so have no frame of reference for that. Sometimes I even call him and leave him a message and say, "You don't have to return this call, but I need you to hold onto this for me." It's like I need him to be the backup to my hard drive..... to hold those painful things for me that I need to work on but can't handle at the moment. That, in time, when we the time is right to integrate these things, we can manage them together. It's teamwork and I feel comforted by it. I feel like he's got my back.

I've always been scared of the phone and my T would always listen then tell me we would discuss whatever at our next session. She wouldn't carry on whole conversations/therapy on the phone, wants the face-to-face thing.

That's great that you can do the, don't call me back, just "hang on to this". That does sound useful. It really gets lots better when you only think of/talk about things during the session and have "room" when you're not at T for "life" and thinking about other things instead of T/sessions.

That is great your T does the phone thing with you, sister. It sounds like a really useful adjunct to your therapy. So you ask him to hold onto the painful stuff for you, but he doesn't bring it up in session. He just is aware of it and waits for you to bring it up or not? But yet he knows. So that is good. Nice system you guys have developed!

I have really only had significant conversations at one time with my T, 2-3 over the course of 2 days, when I was falling apart and needed him. I had reached out to my lawyer, and she contacted T and told him to contact me. (Somehow, I was unable to reach out to T on my own.) But he was there and I was not doing well. So our phone conversations were him trying to provide support and really being assertive about "going after me", because I was just kind of silent and not coping well on the phone. It was really quite charming, in retrospect, as he is not usually so assertive, in person, about going in and "rescuing" me. All in all, a good experience, although not one I expect to be repeated regularly. I am really not good over the phone (can't connect) and am sure would never be able to do regular phone therapy. His voice sounded kind of different over the phone and I remember not liking that. Was it really him calling me?

I prefer face to face; I am not comfortable with over the phone. I think its because I cant see her face, her reactions as we talk.
I am also horrible about reaching out when I really should outside my scheduled session. I feel like a nusance and she's not happy about that.

It's great to be brave enough to say all the difficult things on the phone! That must help a lot...
You post makes me realize that when we are on the phone I can't help being like everything's great..., very enthusiastic, etc... which makes it awkward as she calls me back usually because i've sent an email saying how down I feel or very anxious,etc...
So I'd be supposed to say what I really feel but I can't so I end up saying "actually I'm ok, I didn't really need a call, sorry..." cause it must sound like I'm not the same person who has sent the email.... I probably don't want to sound like "I need you" or appear vulnerable...which is a pity as part of me would like to let T know that...

I really like that-- you don't have to call me back, but I need you to hold this for me-- that's so cool that you trust your T enough for him to hold onto certain feelings for you.

Personally, I am no good over the phone. I need that face-to-face connection with him. I typically don't call him to discuss very in depth things-- Meaning I might call him for something important, but it's only for me to say-- hey, here's what's going on, I really feel the need to just check in and to make sure you and I are still here. The last time I called him was one of the only times things got a bit more intense over the phone... because I was calling him to say that I felt my SI had gotten out of control.

I obviously do better with f2f contact considering I decided to tell him that certain things might mean I want to have sex with him, lol. I could never tell him anything like that over the phone. When I talk with him I need to see him right there to know that he's not going anywhere.....and a big part of it is that my T says a whole lot without saying anything at all-- it's very much in his eyes and his facial expression, and I really need to see that.

i guess i'm a little unusual then because i'm really not sure whether i prefer ftf or phone contact. the most important cue for me is his tone of voice, and that is present in both forms on contact.

in favour of phone contact: sometimes other cues (like his posture) distracts me so i find it harder to make self disclosures in person than over the phone. i think it is good that i can make self disclosures over the phone, though. it helps him understand where i'm coming from a little more.

it also doesn't take up so much of my day. much easier to talk to him on the phone than to spend over an hour each way getting there and back.

in favour of in person contact: those other cues act as triggers and i suppose there is the potential for talking about that to be a hard self disclosure that wouldn't come up if i didn't talk to him ftf.

there is also the potential for more soothing ftf, i think. i guess that is the converse of the potential for triggering lol.

i'm actually thinking... that a little bit of both might be optimal for me...

the nature of the self disclosures is different... the risks are a bit different and the potential gains are a bit different.

Yeah, it's something I am happy with. Perna, unfortunately it doesn't necessarily mean I have time for reali life....I still obsess about T and about sessions. It just gives me a place to put feelings when I don't know what to do with them. I had a really ****** day yesterday, filled with SI urges. I didn't call T because I didn't want to. However, this morning I did call and let him know (on the answering machine) what a crappy day I had yesterday and that I was feeling crappy too. I told him that I wanted to make contact but that if we didn't connect today I would understand and that I would see him tomorrow. I think this time it was a pull him closer and push him away message all at the same time. Hmmm. yeah. I just figured out what this was about. I'm always protecting myself from some future event. Ha (she said sarcastically).

I wouldnt be able to talk on the phone with T, it would feel like not having no where to run. At least f2f I can avert my gaze.

(((((((sister))))))))))))
sometimes the phone is easyer. I like it cause I can really hide whats going on. I am glad you can express yourself.
Remember we are 22 LOL
muffy

Because I'm hard of hearing and sometimes struggle to hear to (or have to ask her to repeat.. so embarrassing), it is a joy to talk to her on the phone and have her voice so near and to be able to hear it clearly and fully.

I am nervous though, and feel guilty for taking non-paying time, so I seem to end it quickly. I always am the one to end it. I feel like I don't deserve the extra attention, extra time.