[sabby]

I've never done repressed memory work with T before. I have a partial memory, or it may be just information that was given to me about an incident that happened to me when I was in the 5th grade that is flopping around in my head. It has been there for years and I never really worried about it too much. Now, for some reason or another I have grown very curious about the incident and have this need to delve into it and try to figure it out. I don't know if it's something I should do or not.

Here is what I know..... When I was in the 5th grade there was a boy in my school who was mentally ill. He had taken a liking to me and used to follow me everywhere at school and out in the community too. If I was at the local park swimming or hanging out with friends, he always showed up.

We used to have students come in early each morning to class and get things ready for the day. Helping the teacher clean the blackboards, pass out classwork etc. I remember going into class early one day (it was my week to do this). We had a separate entrance that went into a cloakroom, and I entered through there, took my coat off and changed from my boots into my shoes (it was winter time).

I remember this boy coming in from the classroom into the cloakroom and saying good morning to me. I remember he had a weird look on his face, but I didn't really pay much attention to him. I always tried to be pleasant towards him as he did not have any friends and I admit, I felt a bit sorry for him.

Well, that's the last of it that I remember.....what I've been told is that he had a knife with him that day and that he asked me to be his girlfriend. I guess I told him thanks but no thanks and he became enraged. He took out his knife and held it against my throat and threatened to ... well you can imagine what he threatened. I believe at that point, the teacher came into the classroom and heard a commotion in the cloakroom. My teacher at the time was a retired police officer. He was able to subdue this kid and take him to the office where they called the police in.

Like I said, much of what I've just explained was told to me by others. I really don't have any memory after seeing him come into the cloakroom. I often wonder what role, if any, that played in my growth development and how I was as a teenager. I really think I would like to explore that situation.

What I would like to know is from anyone who has done work on repressed memories could tell me what to expect from T and how she might help me with this.

Thanks!


sabby

[kessa19]

I wish I could help. I'm curious about this too. Every spring I deal with flashes of memory, anxiety, and depression. It's a puzzle I have never been able to put together.

[Kiya]

likewise, i have no info either, but think i will soon be finding out =(
(((((((sabby))))))))

[sabby]

((((((((((((((((( kessa & kiya ))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for responding....I hope your travels into this go well for you both.


sabby

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Sabby,

I always find it amazing how wonderful the brain protects chldren! You couldn't handle the overwhelming aspect of the experience so you blocked it out!

I have not worked directly with a particular repressed memory per se. But a lot of my work in therapy has been reconstructing my childhood that I blocked out because it was too painful. The way we work it, is to explore those feelings that come up within the context of everyday life. I have found that many of these feelings are old and they lead me to memories that were long ago locked away. I think the theory is that the body holds the score one way or another. So we need to access those feelings that were laid down as repressed memory because the conscious couldn't handle it. Does that make any sense?

It's like one of those investigative TV shows, CSI or something. There is always more than one way to figure out what really happened. Only some pieces of evidence require more investigation because they are hidden.

I also think that there are other ways people use to access memory but you have to be careful.

Good luck.

I'm sorry you had such a frightening experience. Poor (( little Sabby)). I bet she was scared. Yay for the "kindergarten cop."

xo

[kim_johnson]

Memory is a constructive process. Chinese whispers is a constructive remembering process, too. A person hears a word (or just kind of hears it on the tip of their tongue so they aren't quite sure). Then it gets filtered through their hopes and fears, beliefs and desires etc and what comes out of their mouth for the next person is a slightly morphed version more often than not.

Sometimes people have this notion of memory where the mind is like this blank piece of paper and experiences are captured with a photographic quality and these photographs reside in the mind unchanging. Then a therapist comes along and bingo! That picture (that one couldn't access before) emerges before ones mind and there it is: The TRUTH.

But memory doesn't work like that.

Any good therapist will know this. There is much that has been written on the appropriate theraputic attitude where the appropriate theraputic attitude is to be agnostic as to the truth or falsity of memory claims with respect to how much they capture external events. Therapy isn't supposed to be about getting at the truth of what happened in the external world, at any rate, those facts aren't accessible to therapists. What they deal in is how your rememberings affect you.

Uncertainty is hard... But certainty can be more damaging (especially when corroboration or disconfirmation from the world is unavailable to us). Learning to live with the uncertainty... A good therapist should be able to help you do that...

[sabby]

((((((((((((((( MissCharlotte ))))))))))))))))

I completely agree with how amazing the brain of a child protects the child! I do know I blocked it out...and for good reason I am sure!

You really got me thinking about the feelings that come up in everyday life and how they come from old experiences/hidden memories. When I sat and thought about this....it made me realize that the experience had much more affect on me than I ever thought it did. And not in all negative ways...there is some positive that came from it.

For instance - when I'm faced with feeling fear that another person is going to harm me or someone I love, I really become enraged and determined that this individual will NOT have that control over me and I stand up and fight tooth and nail. Reacting like that can be good or bad depending on the circumstance. Another feeling I have is compassion.....I always felt kind of sorry for this boy in school. He was obviously having difficulties and didn't have friends. I did try to befriend him and treat him well like I treated everyone else. As you can see where that got me *sigh*.

I think I am ready to face what (if any) memory may come from exploring this situation. This has not really bothered me all these years per se, but it has at times been on my mind. Maybe it's more curiosity than anything else....I really don't know.

Thank you so much for your response.....it makes perfect sense!


sabby

[sabby]

Hi Kim!

Thanks so much for replying. My mind is pretty open to what will happen if I choose to pursue this memory. I have lived with the uncertainty of it for oh lets see now, for about 40 years LOL. I don't think I will be upset if nothing comes from exploring the situation. And I really don't have a gnawing feeling that it's something I must figure out. But I am quite curious about it and would like to venture into seeing how it has affected who I am all these years. I get this feeling that this one experience shaped me in more ways than I'm aware of.

I have a wonderful therapist. I have the utmost trust in her to lead me and support me in a positive and constructive way. I do understand that in delving into this that the truth will only be my truth, my memories and that she has no access to that part of me I know she will be right there for me if I need her to be when and if questions or problems arise from delving into this situation. And you may be dead on that it's possible I won't have any more memories than what I have now and she will help me to work through accepting the uncertainty of it all. If that uncertainty does indeed bother me further. Like I said, to me, it's not something that has to happen, I'm just hoping it will I believe that I am in a good place in my life right now. I have a lot of understanding of who I am, why I am and what I want to be. I think I will be able to handle whatever comes from this exploration in a healthy way. How's that for positive thinking??

Thanks again Kim!


sabby

[kim_johnson]

Hey. Yeah, I basically agree with MissCharlotte's take on the usefulness of looking at how our rememberings affect our present interactions. I think that is one of the really worthwhile things that we can learn about in therapy :-)

But... I guess I do have this cautious thing with respect to if you do start to have other episodic memories pertaining to the event come about as a consequence of your talking about your rememberings. Without external corroboration one can't know whether those episodic memories are coming from external events or coming from our fears or insecurities in the process of remembering. Of course our fears and insecurities are a very appropriate thing to be dealing with in therapy. I guess I'm just really very cautious when it comes to memory work helping us get clearer on external events.

[sabby]

I can completely understand using caution and care in this. Thanks so much for that perspective. I will remember to do just that and try to keep things within that realm of taking it all with a grain of salt


sabby

[ErinBear]

Hi Sabby,

I guess I have a very different thought on this, after a number of years of counseling. I think if memories are repressed, they are repressed for a reason - my mind/emotions/spirit/body are not ready to deal with them yet. I believe they'll come to the forefront if/when I'm ready to cope with them. I've found this to be true. If they are still buried, my mind must know it's not the right time for me to deal with them yet. Over time, I've learned to respect this about myself, and I've been glad I did. I have done a bit of "repressed memory" digging and I'm now sorry I did, at least in my case. I think, at least for me, it's better to let my memories naturally unfold, and deal with things in therapy as they come.

Sometimes it's hard to wait on myself, and wait for those memories to emerge, but all the times I've done so, I've been thankful. I've seen that there was some reason I needed to wait. There was something I needed to learn first, or something I needed to sort out before I was prepared to deal with it. Or I needed to gather some sort of energy. One way or another, something(s) had to be in order before I was in the right place to deal with the issues involved with the memory.

Whatever your decisions, my good wishes and thoughts are with you.

Take care,
ErinBear