[kim_johnson]

last time i saw him was the phone session. then... he wasn't going to be in on Friday so we missed that session. And Monday is a public holiday so I'm going to miss that session. So it will be two weeks since between last time I actually saw him and when I see him next.

I've sent him a couple emails and... Nothing. Usually he makes a bit more of an effort to respond. They are typically brief and kinda strangely formal... But he has been making an effort.. And now he seems to have stopped.

Crap on him.

I'm going to be out of the country for 9 months and he was like 'its ok we can still email'. But he sucks at email. And I told him so... then realized I had hurt his feelings and that he was really trying... So I backed down a little. And the story he seems to be telling himself (that he told me out loud) that my upset over emails was because of my expectations but that emails between us were going better now because I had changed my expectations. Yeah, whatever, I was just trying to encourage him.

I don't think wanting a reply - in the form of acknowledgement - is that big an ask. I don't think our emailing is going to work out. Crap on him.

[Slippers]

My T had 2 email addresses . One for family/friends and one for clients. The one for clients he only checked during work hours. He did this to prevent burn out. I hated it, but I DBT'd myself into understanding (emotional mind was saying F his needs!).

I also think he didn't want me to over use email. His replies were BRIEF. Although I think going overseas, that would change. Of course, he'd likely bill me per word like a dang typist!! If possible he'd bill per thought.

I hope you hook up with him soon. Send him a pajama gram . See if that wakes him up!

Slippers

[kim_johnson]

Hey. I remember asking my therapist if it was ok for me to email him. I was fully prepared for him to say 'no'. He looked a bit surprised, but he said 'sure' and gave me a couple of email addresses. Not sure why there was confusion exactly, apparently one of the accounts was a shared one with his wife or something...

It was a bit weird. I would have been understanding if he had had boundaries around how many I was allowed to send or boundaries around his not responding to them or whatever. But... Maybe precisely because I'm so careful with boundaries with him... Maybe because of what is going on with his life... Maybe because of a whole bunch of things, he seems perfectly fine about my emailing him and about him responding.

I said I was worried about sending him too much... And he said that it was okay for me to send stuff - that he wouldn't respond if he needed not to. But still... Usually he is a bit better than this... He did admit at one point that... He doesn't email anybody else. Not in his personal life, and not with any other clients. So I think that his strangeness with email is mostly to do with his unfamiliarity with email.

But, blah. I really don't trust him to email me while I'm away, though. Time for me... To find another therapist (during that period at any rate)

[nightbird]

you know, I personally know a few T's, not as clients, but acquaintances and one - a friend - over the years, that were less than perfect people.

i've told a story here about a vicodan and valium popping pothead who was so promiscuous, it was embarrassing, as she slept with lots of married guys ... no man was safe until she married at 49.

They are human beings.

Flawed like the rest of us. Only worse. LOL, just kidding.

When we realize they are flawed human beings, we can get irritated, or discerning, like any other personal service person in or lives, without laying the heavy guilt trips and responsibilities for our lives on them that seems fashionable to do these days.

I can't wait to get my new T.
With her comes a whole package of being a true person.
She gets me too.
That's going to be something, but not everything.
I plan on a fair and balanced life, including promising that to others.

You know - what goes around, comes around.

peace and support,
nightbird

[onlymedid]

I hope your T is better at email in the future. It would be awful to think that you can rely on him while you are gone and then not get a response.
I asked my T if I could email her and she said she rather I didn't because she can't guarantee that the emails won't be intercepted in transit or by someone else as her emails are checked by the secretary or something.....idk!?

Good luck!

[Dinah]

Mightn't he be away for the holiday? Even if he has email he can access from anywhere, he might not have brought a computer, or he might not have internet access.

My therapist has gotten very good at volunteering that sort of information at our opening ceremony of "Do you have anything you need to tell me?" But he wasn't good at it until pretty recently.

I'm sure it's nothing personal, and that he's not upset with you. If he wanted you to email less, wouldn't he have brought it up at session rather than simply changed his behavior?

I'm sure it will be ok, even if it feels rotten right now.

My therapist has some stupid, convoluted system about responding to my emails-- sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't, lol. He came up with this ridiculous idea that if I want him to respond to an email to leave him a message telling him I wanted to respond. I was like, "Ummm, how does that help? It only adds in an unecessary point of contact." Sometimes he doesn't respond at all to my emails and we just talk about them in session. Sometimes he responds very briefly: "I got your email and just wanted to let you know I'm still here for you. Always will be." Stuff like that. I use the email as more of an oulet because I can express myself in a completely different way when writing-- we agreed that there would be no lengthy responses from him because email can misconstrue a lot of stuff... however, a simple, "I got your email" is always nice. I hate being at that middle point, thinking, "Did he even get it? If he did, what does he think? Can't he even let me know that he got and we'll talk about it later??"

[ECHOES]

If he was out on Friday and then Monday is a holiday, perhaps he is away for the entire extended weekend?

... like hopefully at an intense "learning how to communicate via email" seminar...

I know that being able to talk with him via email during your time away has been a concern for some time. Maybe when you get back to seeing him, it's time to start ironing out the details of how that will work so you'll know what to expect. And maybe you two could 'practice' now before you go?

Can you put a "read receipt" on your email you send so you'll know that he has opened it?

[sunrise]

It sounds like the whole email thing holds a lot more meaning because that was agreed to be the mode of communication between you when you are away. So you need to get it working! I hope you can share how stressful the email thing is for you and why--the larger meaning. It sounds like he may have just taken a 4 day weekend. My T does not work Friday and does not answer emails during his days off Friday-Sunday. If he does, it is an unexpected bonus. But I expect him not to so am not disappointed.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kim_johnson said:
Time for me... To find another therapist (during that period at any rate)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I think this is probably a good idea. I think it will hard to get adequate support long distance by email. Could you find a short term T in your new location when you go abroad but continue to email your regular T also? Then when you return, you can resume face to face therapy with him. The emails will help you not lose touch with him altogether and maintain the relationship. It might be interesting to do short term therapy with a new person. It could be really different to enter therapy knowing there is a defined ending point. It might change things, help focus on near term issues, which could maybe have some benefit.

i dont have email access. In fact, my T says he rarely even does call backs (because people don't ask for them even). i think there is a totally different expectation of therapy and the interaction up where i live... im not sure why

the medical system doesnt provide coverage for all T's.. just ones employed by the hospitals... so the T's face the same situation... competition, market, client base, etc. So i have no idea why they dont seem to have to do things like email or phone calling... and no one seems to expect them to

my pdoc told me that the lengths my T goes to for me is really unusual.. he said T must be really invested in me to do these things...

i know going away for grad school will be horrible...

kim... i was thinking the same as echoes.. maybe he is away? im sorry he doesnt seem to give you what you need/want from emails... maybe you can arrange phone sessions while you're away? It can be done... phone cards, etc... or skype if you can get it arranged. Maybe like emails plus every other week phone session for even 15-20 min?

[kim_johnson]

Dinah, Echoes, Sunrise, Jello... I think you guys are probably right that he has taken a long weekend and isn't checking his email. Because I'm the only person who emails him he probably doesn't check his emails as often as I do (I typically check fairly constantly especially because my job involves my sitting in front of my computer all day).

Sigh.

But I emailed him BEFORE the long weekend WAH! So... He should have bloody well checked his email BEFORE the long weekend WAH! And... He usually tells me if he won't be able to check his email during the week (e.g., if his computer is going in for repairs or if he is having trouble with his email account etc etc etc).

I suppose I'm lucky really that he is as good about email as he is (that he doesn't mind my emailing, that he hasn't set boundaries on how often / how long the emails can be, that he answers as often as he does etc etc etc). I think I coaxed him into it, truth be told, by disclosing more intimate stuff by way of email than I typically disclose in session... He saw that there was a value indeed in getting to know my take on the session and issues arising by way of email... And I suppose I coaxed him along even further by doing my best to be willing and able to discuss in person the issues that I raise via email.

I guess we are back to expectations again... And my pain is coming from my expectations that he respond. BUT HE BLOODY WELL SHOULD RESPOND TO ME DAMMIT!!!!! I feel slightly frantic... What do I have to do to get a response out of him such that I feel like I'm connected to him instead of talking to a %#@&#! brick wall?

I can text message him... But I try and do that not too often... He doesn't seem to have set boundaries with that... But I do what I can to be as respectful with sending them as possible so that he doesn't feel the need to set boundaries with that... Maybe a sad face by txt message would be enough to encourage him to check his email... Hrm... I don't like feeling all needy and frantic like this...

[kim_johnson]

Echoes, do you know if you can get a read receipt by gmail? That would really help me out... Like Pinksoil the hardest thing is not even knowing if he has received it. I HATE the not knowing. Thats how come I feel unconnected to him. I don't even know that he has contemplated me fondly for a single minute at all. If I knew that he had... I'd feel all better. Especially with the stuff I disclose... I worry that he might have got something and is thinking 'ok so I'm going to terminate this freak at the first available opportunity'. Maybe if he could just read receipt 'ok, and I don't hate you and I'm not freaked out' then I'd be ok.

Yeah Sunrise, I think it does mean so much to me because that was going to be how we were going to communicate while I was away. We have talked about that, even, and I made it clear to him that that was how come his responding to emails meant so much to me. He seemed to get that and he made MUCH more of an effort to respond (even just briefly) after that. And that helped A LOT. Before that... This came up as a major issue when he took a whole month off. He said that I could email him during that time (around about one email a week was what we agreed on since I was having weekly sessions at that point). And he didn't respond until THE DAY BEFORE HE WAS DUE TO RETURN. And... When I went to that session the next day I made it jolly clear to him that if he hadn't emailed me when he did then I wouldn't have shown up for that session. And he seemed pretty shocked... And then we had the conversation we did about why email was so important to me. And he sucked it up... And didn't get defensive or retaliatory at all... He listened to why I felt so upset and he apologized for not doing what he promised etc and he has been much better since then.... Except for now.

It is just hard for me... The month off was when his wife had a baby. And so I think of him having happy times with his family and I feel... Alone... So alone and uncared for... :-( Nightbird... I know he isn't perfect. I just... Want him to be better with this. So much. Onlyme... The majority of therapists I've seen wouldn't email me either for precisely that reason. One way around it... Is for you to set up an anonymous gmail account and tell your therapist to only use your nickname so that if the email is intercepted there is less liklihood of anyone realizing that it is you. That is what I do currently... Might be worth a shot if email is important to you? The billing thing is tricky, though...

:-(

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kim_johnson said:
But I emailed him BEFORE the long weekend WAH!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">kim, I can so relate to this. My T always takes Fridays off so I made sure to email him Thursday before the end of business hours (and he usually works into the evening) so that he could get my email and respond. But no response. I actually emailed twice Thursday. Gone for the weekend. So it goes. Kim, can you wait until Tuesday and see what happens? Because if your T has gone for a 4-day weekend, he will be back Tuesday and can then read your messages and respond.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I don't like feeling all needy and frantic like this...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I know--it's awful. Can you do something to get your mind off of it? Take a walk, bake some cookies, read a book...

[kim_johnson]

Write my seminar that I'm giving on Wednesday lol... Yeah... I'm still really tempted to txt message him a sad face, though... Typically... When he responds to emails he responds about 10pm so I know he checks them from home mostly... But... I really shouldn't push things, huh...

[kim_johnson]

Well... I did sent him a txt message. I said:

:-(

Then... At 1am... I got a txt message back. Sorry to hear I'm feeling so badly... He hasn't had access to his emails for a few days... Hopefully he can check them tomorrow...

That means he is thinking of me (in a non-sexual way) while he is going off to sleep. doesn't it?

:-)

[kessa19]

I'm so glad he responded!