[Mouse_]

This is what is coming up for me at the moment....the feeling I carry within me, the feeling of being so totally alone is feels like psychic death...which of course once-upon-a-time it would have felt like death...

I said something today in T that made sense. I said when someone I know is going away or not going to be in the place they normally are, I feel like death, but once the situation arrives I feel ok, yeah I miss them but its never like I fear its going to be. I think its because no matter who isn't around, the fact is *I* am still around.

We know I was left alone a lot as a baby and this being left alone would have felt like *I* wasn't there because a babys mother or caregiver is the *I* at that stage in life and its that feeling memory that i carry within me...

I said to T I feel like I've got an itch but can't find it to scratch it. T said, but the more you talk about it the more words we put to it, the closer we get to the itch. Shes right because talking about that *I* has been a big key for me today...

Theres still that ancient memory inside of me that I still need to reasure that its ok *I* am here today.

[kessa19]

I'm glad you're here.
Your t sounds really smart and empathetic. That feeling sounds so scary. I read once that the feeling of psychic annihilation is the most terrifying emotion anyone can ever have. It sounds like your t is really there for you and will help you work through it. Take care and I hope you're close to scratching that itch.

[pegasus]

Reassuring is what you need to do and probably feel like you are constantly having to do non-stop but eventually you won't have to do that so much. You will be able to say, I'm ok now and feel ok too.

You do have a good T there for sure.

((((((((((((( Mouse ))))))))))))))

[MINIME]

This is me comforting that little baby inside you. Your here and I see u.

[Mouse_]

Thanks for the replys, I dont mean to sound harsh, but its not hugs I want right now....you see they don't work like they use too or I've grown out off needing that kind of "attention"? I'm not sure, I guess is just a adult to adult communication I want now...geez I bet that sounds kinda off dismissing? BUt its not...I mean how can others "see" what you want if you dont speak it?...I seem to be having a lot off brain activity at nights this weeks...this always happens when stuff is becoming consious... I wake up with vague memories of a scary dream and left with heavy feelings on awaking....Im not finding my genie works at the moment...what I mean by that is I use to be able to wish away my feelings and fears and go into another world with the rub of lantern...at first I begin to mourn this inabilty and feel angry that I left with the "reality" and I almost seem to stamp around, though only in mind not in foot...then gradually more and more comes to me..the painful mechinisms that I use to avoid the reality and now much better it is to be real, to be here and now and to speak my truth and too feel my truth...its becoming familiar now to me the uncovering and then discovering and then recovering....each time this happens and I get through it alive...I am then freed up to be partake in real day to day stuff and not be laid heavy with fantasys of escape....the best part of this is discovering what I really like and whta I dont'...what I mean by that is, what I was willing to put up with to avoid imaginary abandoment and by doing this actually feeling lonelier then ever because my soul wasn't in the "person/thing/event"....like this I get to be and do what I really want....

Thanks for reading me!

[MINIME]

Good post. Im not sure how I can help.I can acknowledge what u say, and tell you I heard you.

[kim_johnson]

you are growing. in the time i've known you you have grown so much. it has been a pleasure to watch, but painful too, of course. lots of grieving. sometimes grieving is what we need to do... things take time, but they slowly, gradually, progressively get better. not all better now kinda better... but good. there can be moments of gentle peace and quiet okayness even there amongst the grieving. hang in there... you are doing so well.

[AllyH88]

I've always wondered if people experience loneliness for the same reasons, if the root cause is always the same. I've been so lonely for so long, I would sometimes go sit in a cafe for hours on end just to "feel" people around me.

I know that feeling of the itch you can't scratch. I know I'm lonely, but I don't know what it will take for it to go away. I don't know how to fill myself.

I don't know if this post is helpful in any way, but I just wanted to write that I share that intense void.

[Kiya]

Ally - that is helpful to me reading - it put words on something i really couldn't place.

Mouse - good that you are saying what you need, and that you even know what you need to be able to articulate it.
kiya

[Mouse_]

Ally, Yes I get that too! I often enjoy just walking along a busy street without actually being part of it, but just enjoying the feeling of not being alone in the world.