[hangingon]

I am relly struggling with something and the problem is I have no idea if its just me or if this is real.
I am having the hardest time being open with my T. I have been seeing her for 5 months now. She is the first T I have ever seen in my life, so I have no idea how this is suppose to go or feel.

She is really great, always patient, pushes but gently. She even told me the other day that she knows she has me do things that are hard sometimes and that she would be doing me no justice if she didn't help me progress.

I know she means well, The problem is, I feel hardley any connection at all. People may say well then she is not the right one for you but I have no idea. I have never really trusted anyone in my life and definately not with some of the information I did slightly share with her. Somehow I think it's just me. I was engaged to a man that I had known for 5 years, he was wonderful but to be honest I never really had any connection to him in that sense. It was more hes my best friend we get along great why not. I never did share anything about my abuse with him at all.

So its hard for me to know what to do. Whether I should continue seeing or or try someone else. I hear some great stories of people with their T and I think whats wrong with my picture.
But again, my cycle has always been to not let anyone ever get close to me and if they do get rid of them before they do you.

Ughh. I can't tell if its just me and it really bothers me. I mean maybe I should share this with her. Maybe I have not allowed her any connection to me, maybe I am just not available to that. Im just confused with all of this and don't know what to do from here.

Hanging on

[chaotic13]

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The problem is, I feel hardly any connection at all. People may say well then she is not the right one for you but I have no idea. I have never really trusted anyone in my life and definitely not with some of the information I did slightly share with her.

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I felt this way a lot about my own therapeutic relationship and most other relationship in my life. It bothered me a lot. What I would do when thinking about quiting was to look at my therapy sessions objectively and ask... Even though I don't feel connected to this person, do I feel like I've made progress in addressing x,y,z? In my case the answer always ended up with, YES. So I kept going. Now I am at a point where I do feel a connection (not sure I like that feeling either).

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Maybe I have not allowed her any connection to me, maybe I am just not available to that.

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I definitely sabotaged any recognized attempts she made to connect with me. However, my T seems to have some how navigated past my no fly zone and made some connections despite my resistance.

For me I needed to experience a lot of consistency in therapy and a lot of anguish outside of therapy before attempting the trusting thing. This took me a lot of time. I'm a year in and just now starting to get the value of allowing a connection.

[ECHOES]

I think it's good to talk to her about anything that you're concerned about.

Some T's don't encourage much of a connection. Some types of therapies don't encourage a connection.

I'm wondering if you're thinking that 5 months is long enough for a connection to happen, but things take however long they take, and that's okay. It takes time to build the foundation of trust sometimes.

It took me nearly a year to talk much in therapy. Then one day I decided that I could trust her and I would talk more. I had to feel the trust before that could happen.

I hope you'll talk with T about your concern.

It took me quite a while to feel a connection with my T, and it still comes and goes. Like a lot of us here, I have a REALLY hard time trusting someone, believing they'll really be there for me and not hurt me, believing that if they see the "real" me they won't run for the hills. It's been baby steps, for sure.

I agree with Echoes...talking to T about your concern might help. I know that my connection with T was built by talking about the relationship between T and me - the good parts, and the hard parts. Then I could start sharing some about the trauma stuff. But we always come back to our relationship, before I can share a little more - like a spiral or something.

Good luck to you. Therapy is hard!

[MissCharlotte]

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But again, my cycle has always been to not let anyone ever get close to me and if they do get rid of them before they do you.

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Hanginon,

Is it possible that questioning the relationship now is "getting rid of her?" It sounds as if you are beginning to understand yourself.

It took me forever to feel close to T and another forever to be able to be open with him, which frankly just occurred recently.

Give yourself time to let the relationship grow and allow yourself to discuss these concerns with T, as Echoes said.

You are doing the work of therapy. Good job!