Well, today is day 8 of T's vacation. I have an appointment on Monday (only 4 more days).

T has been on a few vacations since I started therapy, but this is the hardest one yet. I think it's partly because I am so attached to him, but it's also because my entire support system kind of fell apart at the same time. One of my best friends left for a month in Sweden the same day T left. My other best friend has been really sick, and just sleeping ever since he left. Hubby is depressed (he goes through cycles). And T is gone.

I used to be really, SUPER, self-sufficient. I didn't rely on anyone for anything. Since starting T, I've learned to let other people support me. And now I feel like everyone around me has said "go ahead, jump out of the plane, you've got a parachute" and I'm halfway to the ground and my parachute has disappeared.

Plus, my autistic son started a camp this week. He just turned 8 and since we homeschool has never done anything without me. He's really inquisitive and really in his own head a lot, and people just DO NOT get that he might wander off at any second. It's so scary to me. The camp is a social skills group FOR autistic kids, so I know they probably know what to expect, but it's still been really scary and I don't have anyone to talk to about it since everyone is gone, in one way or another.

This is hard.

[Mouse_]

((Earthmama))

[Brian37]

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))

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earthmama said:

I used to be really, SUPER, self-sufficient. I didn't rely on anyone for anything. Since starting T, I've learned to let other people support me. And now I feel like everyone around me has said "go ahead, jump out of the plane, you've got a parachute" and I'm halfway to the ground and my parachute has disappeared.


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This is going to sound weird, but I think it is so great that you allowed yourself to HAVE a support system that fell apart-- because you took a risk. Support systems do fall apart, and I think that is a big reason why a lot of us don't want to risk the anxiety and mental anguish to bother with those attachments. Just because your support system momentarily fell apart doesn't mean that you did. You are sitll here, 8 days down, only 4 to go! Your system will be back up and running-- your T will be back, as will your best friend. I hope that your husband's cycle ends soon. As for you, you said you used to be self-sufficient-- well, you still are! Just because you are allowing others to support you doesn't mean you aren't self-sufficient-- in fact, you have proved that you are probably more so than before-- because you allowed yourself to have supports and now they are gone for a little while-- but somehow, you were able to draw upon whatever you have taken from those supports and use them to hang in there during this difficult time. I bet T will be really proud!

[Lenny]

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earthmama said:

but it's still been really scary and I don't have anyone to talk to about it since everyone is gone, in one way or another.

This is hard.

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I know its hard earthmama but you know that it will be worth it for both you and your young man. He will need these exposures and interactions to live to his potential. You need the time too,,,to gather yourself and breath a bit.

Routine is a wonderful thing. Like a perfectly round wheel,,things just roll along with little resistence. But challenge is what strengthens us and prepares us for new ones...

This break from T and your battle with Trust while your wonderfull son is in the care of others will make you all stronger...and you will see the changes in your young man when he returns...he will have grown and so will have you...

I know its hard,,,nothing worth anything is not...

IMHO.

Lenny

[foreverlost]

Congratulations, earthmama. You're 2/3 of the way through! That's strength. I know how difficult it is to rely on others when you've been so independent, because that's where I'm at too. But, you are going to make it through this.
Counting the days with you....

Thanks ((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))) for the hugs and supportive comments.

I finally broke down and left a message for my T on his voice mail. I don't think he'll check his work voice mail until he returns on Monday (his message says he's out of the office and "if you care to leave a message" he'll be returning calls on Monday). I started the message by saying that if he IS listening to it over vacation, to hit the "save" button and listen to it Monday instead, and paused to give him time to do that. I absolutely don't want to bug him on his vacation, but I just felt like I was hanging by a thread, and it was the only coping mechanism I could think of that didn't involve some sort of harm to myself.

He encourages me to call and vent to his voice mail when I'm having a hard time, and I do that sometimes. I've tried everything - posting on here, journaling a LOT, distracting myself with fun things (guitar hero), distracting myself with busy things (cleaning house)....and I was out of ideas.

I actually DO feel better after leaving the message. I was a sobbing mess on the phone - he's seen me cry once, but never like this, and I've never left that kind of message. I guess in retrospect, I'm kind of embarrassed about that But now I feel less desperate, anyhow. I'm not even sure what's WRONG - i just know that I feel really bad.

Stay tuned for a future thread about "is my T mad at me because I left a voice mail during his vacation?". Ha ha. Just kidding (I think). I'm going to try to not let myself go there. I know that I tried a lot of other things first, I made it for 8 days, and T would rather have me call him than some of the alternatives.

Sigh.

[ECHOES]

2 more days! how are you doing?

[Simcha]

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earthmama said:

Well, today is day 8 of T's vacation. I have an appointment on Monday (only 4 more days).

T has been on a few vacations since I started therapy, but this is the hardest one yet. I think it's partly because I am so attached to him, but it's also because my entire support system kind of fell apart at the same time. One of my best friends left for a month in Sweden the same day T left. My other best friend has been really sick, and just sleeping ever since he left. Hubby is depressed (he goes through cycles). And T is gone.

I used to be really, SUPER, self-sufficient. I didn't rely on anyone for anything. Since starting T, I've learned to let other people support me. And now I feel like everyone around me has said "go ahead, jump out of the plane, you've got a parachute" and I'm halfway to the ground and my parachute has disappeared.

Plus, my autistic son started a camp this week. He just turned 8 and since we homeschool has never done anything without me. He's really inquisitive and really in his own head a lot, and people just DO NOT get that he might wander off at any second. It's so scary to me. The camp is a social skills group FOR autistic kids, so I know they probably know what to expect, but it's still been really scary and I don't have anyone to talk to about it since everyone is gone, in one way or another.

This is hard.

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I used to have a friend (he moved to NYC, haven't seen him since) that had Aspergers. He went to college and did alright. What kind of autism does your son have? Don't answer if you don't want to I enjoy working with special needs, LD, and ADHD children sometimes, and my interest stems from two young nephews of mine who are mildly mentally challenged (I hate the words "mentally challenged/retarded").

I don't think you have to worry very much, because people who are trained to work with autistic children are well aware that they can wander off at any moment.

I often don't have people to talk to about my own inner-world, and other than my spouse and my T., I don't. I have learned to stay quite busy when I can't discuss something that's eating at me, or even imminent.
I find that most people... are poor listeners anyway. Have you ever taken up an exercise program before? It is good distraction, and it also helps both physically and mentally.

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ECHOES said:
2 more days! how are you doing?

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I'm doing alright. I'm supposed to see him tomorrow - but I've been knocked down by some sort of flu or something, so I'm not entirely sure I'll make it to my appointment. Argh! I'm so achy and exhausted. If nothing else, I know we'll connect on the phone tomorrow, and just hearing his voice will be really soothing. I sure hope I'm better so I can make it to my appointment, though

Thanks for checking on me, Echoes!

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Simcha said:
What kind of autism does your son have?

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He is diagnosed with Autism....as a toddler, he had more classic autism symptoms, but as he gets older, with dietary and other interventions, he's starting to look a lot more like Asperger's. I think if we had the evaluation/diagnosis done now, he'd be diagnosed with Asperger's.

He's a really cool kid - who keeps me on my toes, big time!

[ECHOES]

Oh, I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. I hope you feel better soon and I'm glad you will be able to talk by phone with him even if you don't feel well enough for your appointment.

[chaotic13]

earthmama sounds like you are doing a good job of coping. I really liked that you allowed yourself to call an leave a message and have confidence that he'll call you back on Monday.

I really liked Pinksoil comment about being even more independent now. This was a nice perspective.

Hope your cold gets better.

[Simcha]

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earthmama said:
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Simcha said:
What kind of autism does your son have?

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He is diagnosed with Autism....as a toddler, he had more classic autism symptoms, but as he gets older, with dietary and other interventions, he's starting to look a lot more like Asperger's. I think if we had the evaluation/diagnosis done now, he'd be diagnosed with Asperger's.

He's a really cool kid - who keeps me on my toes, big time!

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Aspergers is difficult too, but on the Autism Spectrum Disorders scale, better to deal with that than "classic" Autism.
You must have more patience than the average mom. Dealing with Autism is VERY trying at times. Hats off to you for not giving up out on him out of frustration.

[MissCharlotte]

(((earthmama)))

Tomorrow T is back!

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I used to be really, SUPER, self-sufficient. I didn't rely on anyone for anything. Since starting T, I've learned to let other people support me

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Yeah, it was so much easier before we opened up wasn't it?

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MissCharlotte said:

Tomorrow T is back!
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Yep - tomorrow is the day! I just re-read all of my journal entries from the time he was gone, to remind myself how it has been so we can talk about it. It will be SUCH a relief to be there with him, that I will probably feel great, forget that I've ever had a care in the world, and just want to spend the hour playing Uno

I may bring my journal entries for him to read. I've never done that before. Although it would probably be a little embarrassing, since there is a LOT of "I miss T" in there...

[ECHOES]

earthmama, were you feeling well enough to be able to see T today?

((((((((((((((( Echoes ))))))))))))))))))))

Yes, I did see him. I actually started a thread about it. It didn't go like I thought it would.

Thanks for thinking of me

[ECHOES]

i saw it right after i posted and replied there