[Mouse_]

I haven't even been able to read here because suddenly therapy has become hard. Today I told T that I feel as if we are coming to an end now. I told her how the last 2 sessions I felt in so much pain when I left with the feeling of disconnection. I said I feel your letting me down, that you can no longer help me and its been like a bubble of delusion up until now and if I had had that bubble burst earlier then I dont know what I would have done. I said I dont know what else I feel you could be doing, I've made a list of all the things I want and you always do those things, I email, your reply, I know if I needed to phone you'd be there, unyet it feels you are not.

T said, I think you need to feel that here now, you need to experience me as not being there for you, for not doing enought, for letting you down. I said why??? she said because thats it was with your mother. I said but so what, what can you do about it now?? she said, we can work through it and survive it..

Then I felt more angry again and with free flowing tears I said I feel so angry at you, but dont know why, I feel I want you to attack me, shout at me, T said but what would that do? I said I DON'T KNOW, I just have this itch in my head I need you to shout at! T said, I think you are afriad still that I'm going to reject you and you want it over with now, you want me to say I can't work with you anymore and then it would all be shipped up and finished with.

Oh god transferrence is so painful, especially when you hear the words "I think you need to experience that here with me", you then know its true and you know this is going to painful and you know then its real, and its something thats already been experienced before and that time it didnt get worked through the feelings have been sitting for all these yrs waiting and you know now with all the insight therapy gives you that doing nothing is not an option anymore.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( mouse )))))))))))))

Insightful post as always, thanks coz I learn so much from your posts!
(and relate so much too )

[MINIME]

How painful. Im so sorry you have to feel that. I wish I had some magic words to comfort you. I can just offer u my hand to hold on to.

[skeksi]

I can feel the pain so powerfully with your words, Mouse. I think if you have faith, you really will work through it with your T and come out okay, even stronger, on the other side.

[splitimage]

Therapy is really hard and they don't warn you about how often it gets worse before it gets better. But it's so worth pushing through the pain as best you can. It does bring healing.

Sending you gentle thoughts.

--splitimage

[Lenny]

With a cut Mouse,,,you can tell its healing when it begins to itch,,,more blood flow...

With the heart it is tears...and they can flow too....it is better when they do...

Nothing worth anything is free......

I know its hard...we are here for you...

Lenny

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you are so right ..... everything you say is always so right from this point of view .... gosh i wish i could give you a great big hug right now ..... you're just a genius ....thankyou

Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Mouse )))))))))))))))))))))))

Many gentle for you.

Thank you for sharing your experience and your insight with us.

[Simcha]

That is actually... really insightful.
And what someone else said is too--- that most things that are worthwhile, are seldom for free.

[Mouse_]

Thanks for reading. I think yes this is a very big insight that can be taken and used in all areas of my life. I so get this need to experience an old situation in a new situation to recover from it. But its also frightening to think of the places and people where this has happened before and unless they have insight like this they would not have been aware of it and reacted to it from their own wounded selfs. I can make a long list of people I've fallen out with because of stuff that has been acting itself out and as far as I or we were aware if it was about us, when really its wasn't. But on the other hand it also gives you a new awareness and now when perhaps someone is accusing me of something I can know that perhaps its something they are needing to experience and "fix"? I look back on some of my relationships now and think, %#@&#!! I was mad, but also this isn't about blame or anything but it feels odd to be a witness to other peoples behaviours and have insight, it sort puts you in an observer role, where as before I was like a blind speiciman rat being pulled around without knowing why. I've been involved in some pretty dysfunctional relationships and right now its like I can see that, but still I am not quite sure I'm ready to completely give them up, I still feel theres something left inside of me that is still trying to resolve something, but my only hope is that this too will with time, be resolved and the dysfunctional relationships will just be let go, I'm not talking about my immediate family here, its some friends I made when I first got into recovery, I use to feel they were "fixed" and there was somethign well wrong wtih me, now i see there was something wrong wtih all of us accept they haven't taken their recovery any further, unyet I feel the need to pay them back for the self deceptions they fed me, see I'm still not "fix" yet, but as I say with time I hope this too will be resoved.

[chaotic13]

When I read your post I thought about how unconsciously we sabotage relationship. We may have some skewed perspective or some expectations of how we think someone is going to respond to us. And in subtle ways we feed this expectation until it actually happens. Kind of like I thought this was going to happen and then look here it has happened. Not knowing that our unconscious actions actually played a role in making it happen. When I read your post, your T's awareness this issue is allowing her to avoid the pitfalls and remain steadfast. Even though you are convinced that she is going to reject you at some point. She seems to be challenging your unconscious expectations and along the way making you aware of them.