anxiety is my biggest foe. i am doomed to repeat everything over and over if i do not find a way to conquer the anxiety. Seriously.. it drives me into such deep despair. Last night i was plagued with suicidal ideation... unable to calm myself.

i am at a loss...

i bought the panic and anxiety workbook.. i am determined to read it and try whatever it suggests. i meditate. i walk. i try to deep beath... imagery. Everything.

i am considering a partial hysterectomy.. ovaries only... because so much of what i suffer is hormonal based.

i cant keep going like this. 3/4 of my life is spent in half crazy... i dont know what else to do.

i am going to talk to T about how we can tackle this. i am willing to try *anything* at this point.

i quit my job. i had to. My spine couldn't handle it. My chiro said STOP and right now. i am in despair. Money is going to be a huge issue for me for the next while. i have to have confidence in my abilities to find ways to make it on my own.. run my own business.. run my own life.. gain independence. But i am so afraid, so anxious, i am incapable of doing what i need to because i cant focus.. i am too scared.

i met the nicest, most adorable guy i have ever seen. i dont tend to notice guys.. i tend to tune out that stuff... but this guy bowled me over. i stammered and stared. But it occurred to me that i am just not what a guy like him would ever want... i have too much baggage.. i am too dependent finacially.. i am just not "date" material. That depressed me a lot.

i don't even know if a T can help with this stuff Can they help rebuild a whole person?

[Kiya]

=( sorry things continue to be so hard!!
Have you asked the guy what kind of person he wants to be with ? you may be the exact person.
Best to you on your medical decisions... yeah my medical team is also having to "rebuild a whole person". I'm close to giving up, but they aren't anywhere near, so I have to put my faith in them.
((((((((((((FLUFF))))))))))))))))))

[pachyderm]

> anxiety is my biggest foe.

This is going to seem to make no sense: just sit there and have the anxiety and watch it and think about it. I know how hard it is. But I am finding out that when and if I can admit to myself that I am anxious, I realize it really is from the past, and I am trying to run away from it and make it go away because it is so scary. It was so scary. But having it now is not as scary as it was to me as a child. It doesn't go away, but it is just there, and nothing really bad is going to happen (most likely). My brain seems to be pumping chemicals telling me DANGER DANGER but it isn't happening. Sitting and watching it even as I go about what passes for my normal life, I can see that it isn't about now. It was for sure, but isn't now. Trying to make it go away, trying to deny that it is there, makes things worse.

Strange stuff.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( mzjellofluff ))))))))))))))))
I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time.

it really is strange stuff.. indeed. i do try pachy.. i lay there telling myself it isn't *entirely* about now.. some of it is, some isn't.. and to really %#@&#! me over.. some of it isn't about anything. Some of it is pure hormone reaction... stupid progesterone. There isn't any mental gymnastics i can do about that. T says to try to hold on during those times... hold on to what exactly?

you are right, entirely right... sitting and letting the anxiety just be is the best way to learn to deal with much of it. i wish i could go about the rest of everything.. but it is so big. i want to run. there isnt anywhere to run TO... the Dalai Lama said that wherever you go, there you are.

yeah kiya... this is a difficult pill to swallow for sure. It's hard learning to readjust to not being as functional as i was, or as everyone else is. i dont like it. i dont know my limits so i tend to over do it or hold back too much. No middle ground yet. Frustrating as all get out. And no.. i didnt ask the guy anything.. i was too dumbstruck. i have never ever met anyone who struck me quite the way this guy did.. i mean, wow... just thinking about him makes me all stupid. i wish i had had that effect on him.

thanks ice.. support is helpful now. i feel so alone.

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MzJelloFluff said:
support is helpful now. i feel so alone.

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thanks EM. You're so very sweet.

Today i feel stronger... better... i know a lot of that is the change in my hormones.. i will feel pretty good for the next week or so. But i HAVE to believe i can do this.. i HAVE to not be scared of myself.

i am bigger than this. i can beat this. %#@&#! life... %#@&#! the forces that brought me this negative energy to face. Bring it on. i have walked on a shattered pelvis (no lie)... i have faced personal horrors... i have been terrorized and come out the other side. i can do this.

BRING IT ON.

[pachyderm]

Fluff

[foreverlost]

What courage, Fluff! Hang in there.