Yes, you read it correctly.

I am presently having some major financial problems due to:

-spending sprees when I was hypomanic
-impulsively spending money without thinking of the consequences, even when not hypomanic
-only being at my job for two months, after one month of not working, and a whole year of working only part-time before that.

An example of money that I spend impulsively when not hypomanic is money for therapy. I will go twice per week, no matter what my financial situation is because I want to go-- and if I want something, I will usually just spend the money on it.

I have been in the habit of taking control of my life and being responsible lately. I realized that if I went to therapy tonight, it would create a large problem for me. I called him on Sunday and left him a message to let him know about this. I felt crappy this weekend, and had a lot of depersonalization on Sunday. I wasn't sure how to cope wiht it since I made the decision to not self-injure. I did get through it without self-injuring.

T called me back yesterday morning and told me that we could "pretend" he was seeing me in the daytime, rather than the evening (the agency has this new policy where evening appointments cost more than daytime appointments). He said I could pay him the rest of the money whenever I could afford it. He said that at first he wasn't sure if he was going to offer this or not, but he felt I was doing well with seeing him two times per week.

Do you know how %#@&#! gut-wrenching it was to hear my T actually be in favor of me coming twice per week, and then offer a reduced fee, where I could pay him the difference when I could afford it-- and know that I couldn't accept his offer? I told T that I would think about it and call him back later.

I called him in the late afternoon and left him a message stating that I had incredible appreciation for what he offered me-- however, I would stick with canceling my session for tonight. I told him that my financial situation would not get better if I continued to spend money on things that I want, but cannot afford; additionally, even if I do a "buy now, pay later" type of thing, all it is going to do is add up in the end. The money will still have to be spent.

T and I agreed that it would be beneficial in my therapy to attempt to hold onto the connection for a week. I don't know that I will be able to go twice next week either-- most likely, I will not, because I have taken on the additional expense of meeting with a former professor every other week for supervision.

I spoke to T today and he told me I could call him or email him anytime I need to this week.

[MissCharlotte]

Pink,

I envy your newfound self control. I am still needing T so much that budget be damned!

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I spoke to T today and he told me I could call him or email him anytime I need to this week.

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This is my favorite part of your post!

Hey, don't go overboard here. Keep taking care of yourself, okay? You are doing amazing work. I think going for supervision is awesome and a choice to exist as your adult self. Nice.

(((((((((((((((((((( pink )))))))))))))))))))

I hope you will use the phone and e-mail as much as you need to this week to stay connected with T.

You are doing such amazing work. Pay attention to how you feel and be gentle with yourself.

Many

[Kiya]

Truly amazing work! You are an inspiration to me on many, many points.
Kiya

[sunrise]

Pinksoil, you sound so mature and responsible. You have such drive and will to deal with this latest bump. Inspiring.

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pinksoil said:
I spoke to T today and he told me I could call him or email him anytime I need to this week.

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I sent him a looooong email last night and I asked him if he could just write back to let me know that he got it. Instead, he wrote me an email comprised of several paragraphs. Some parts were serious, others were really funny. I'm making it through alright, this week. Feels good.

AHHHHHH. Right as I was going to submit this post, T called. He wanted to let me know that he replied to my email. We spoke for almost 15 minutes. At one point, I asked him a question about something and he goes, "Hold on!" I thought to myself, "I bet he is going to get a book so that he can better validate his answer for me." So he gets back on the phone and says, "Ok, I just had to get this book...." LOL. I like that I can tell what he is going to do. My T is a living, breathing, desk reference.

Even better, the basis of the emails that were exchanged, and this particular phone call, was sex, lol. We have started to explore a lot of sexual issues that I have wanted to open up about, for a long time. I'm feeling pretty comfortable about it now.

[skeksi]

You sound positive, upbeat, ready to attack these issues, pinsoil. It's a pleasure to hear that you are doing so well and working hard, too.

[(JD)]

I hadn't remembered that you are suffering with bipolar disorder. (((pinksoil))) I would definitely reconsider doing what your T is trying to guide you into, especially with the most recent incident at work. Why not go and see what's on his mind?

((((Pink))))),
I'm now only going once a week to see T. It is difficult (excruciating) at times. I'm off for the summer, so I have more time to think about how much I miss him which sucks. You've come such a long way, Pink. Before, I don't know if either one of us could have ever made a choice to reduce sessions. I'm so proud of you, truly. You do psychopathology with flair! Love you.

hey pinky
you know my situation.. and how we comiserated on spending, both on T and otherwise. What you are doing is a big leap... i am proud but also concerned. i think you can do anything you set your mind to.. but i worry about the cost. Recovery isn't a linear path, and this period of growth and progress will inevitably be intermingled with less than stellar times too. That isnt meant to discourage you, quite the opposite, it's meant to suggest a fluid approach to things, one that isn't black and white: financially responsible vs reckless spending. The goal is to be healthy, in all aspects of life. N'est pas?

i'm wondering if you can't do what you suggested to me once... twice sometimes, once others.. maybe every other week?

the bigger changes to bring financial relief should be in the other, less essential areas of life.. and you'll hate this, but shoes for example. i know upi are prolly doing that stuff too.. you're not dumb.

i don't know.. maybe this has to be a leap approach for you instead of a more gradual one.

the big difference for us i think is the connection aspect... i dont go twice because i cant hold onto him.. i mean, i cant, that is true, but i go twice because my life is chaos and i cant get enough of a break to develop the skills to go once a week. But like you, i am facing the choice through a financial lens.. and i have to face the fact that if i continue at 2x i may lose my ability to go at all. This is difficult when i do not have the skill set to cope yet.

congratulate yourself on setting out on a new portion of the path... getting new skills and reaching a new level. Be aware and forgiving when you find yourself needing and not just wanting... try to learn the difference with an objective eye. Don't be too hard on yourself.

love you with all my heart