[kim_johnson]

ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.

feels like christmas or something... has been a while... he had last week off because of the school holidays... the session before that was really intense... talking about 'demands' and stuff...

not sure how many more sessions we have left. visa people said i'm good to go as soon as it arrives (should arrive tomorrow). was hoping to fly on the 20th - but that is only one week away! maybe the week after... but certainly not any later than the 1st. so... not many sessions left...

i'm gonna miss him. i wish i could take him with me.

[ECHOES]

((( kim )))

Did you two decide on an email schedule or somthing, a way to stay in touch?

[kim_johnson]

we have to talk about that. boundaries... we need to revisit that. he seems to be trying really hard to sort out his transference feelings and use them for good... trying really hard. i was like 'you better sort your %#@&#! out' a couple times - but i didn't really expect that he would... it was more a rhetorical devise... but he did at any rate. and turned out that he felt like i placed demands on him that were more than he could meet. with the phone session... and so... we need to review my 'demands' including... any email or phone contact. so... yeah... we will see, i guess.

[ECHOES]

yeah he needs to get his stuff together---it's the 11th hour! grrr!

I hope what you work out, works out the best for you.

(ask him about helping you get a subscription to the Pep archives?)

[kim_johnson]

well... he has said that we can have contact. but i wasn't sure *how much* contact he had in mind. he said that if i started seeing someone else then that would be different (which leads me to believe he had some kind of 'therapy' contact in mind)... but then with our recent blow-up.

the thing was... he thought i was being 'demanding'. and that... kinda hurt. i don't think he meant it to hurt... but i think there was something a bit off there... and now i've told him what i think about that, and we will see whether he accepts that or not (about how sometimes people do have needs even though it isn't humanly possible for those needs to be met). so basically (very gently) don't confuse feelings of being unable to meet something... feelings of inadequecy and incompetence... with the other person placing 'demands' on you. i feel inadequate and impotent and hopeless a lot... guess i conveyed that okay... but i don't think it is in response to 'demands' (either from my mother, my therapist, or myself) so much as it is about feeling unable to meet requests that are needs from the others point of view. legitimate needs, even... even if... it isn't humanly possible for them to be met.

the thing is... he FELT like i was placing demands on him that he couldn't meet. and i think that objectively... i haven't done that. but that doesn't change how he FELT. and so... i think it is worth revisiting some boundary issues including limits on email / phone contact. i think... he is a bit of a rescuer... which is nice, really... but... well... i do think i need to take care of him sometimes... which is okay, too. i've never had anyone care about me THAT MUCH which is a bit of a novelty... but then, by the same token, i've expressed rage and he has survived that too which is really nice as well... anyway... we shall see... if he thinks i have indeed been 'demanding' then i'd expect him to provide some limits on phone / email. if he thinks it is just about not being able to meet needs / preferences (rather than demands) then maybe not. i do think... he needs to be careful to take care of himself. and i do think... i should keep an eye to that too... because he really has gone out of his way to help... and i shouldn't abuse his good nature / willingness to do more than is required...

i think this is ok. i think it will be...

the subscription requires a payment. i've never subscribed to a professional journal in my life - make do with university institutional subscriptions. basically... they serve me well and i could interloan anything i wanted... i just wish i had online access to that one... maybe the uni i'm visiting will have institutional subscription :-)

(my library queried my subscription request because they said it was a 'bundle' of about six different subscriptions and as psychoanalysis is becoming more and more of a 'fringe' area the prices that they charge for professional books and articles is exhorbatent indeed... if he has access it is probably through a hospital or... most likely... he has access via the med school to the same library as me...)

[kim_johnson]

Interesting session today. Can anyone say 'role reversal' lol.

He is like 'OF COURSE we can keep up email contact while you are away'. But... I need him to have a think and set some boundaries. Because... I think that (while this is flattering in one sense) he is TOO giving. And that that means that... A degree of burnout / frustration with my 'demandingness' is imminent.

He wonders why I'm resistant to seeing that my mother placed demands on me that were simply unrealistic demands for a mother to place on her child.

He says: Parents are supposed to cast aside their needs / demands in order to meet the needs of their infants.

I say: But children with autism are very very difficult for any parent. Maybe it isn't so much that parents are terrific at putting aside their needs, maybe it is more that some people are lucky enough to have needs that are mostly in synch. So... The infant needs nurturing / to idealize... And... The parent needs to nurture / to be idealized. Happy pair oh joyous wonder...

Cough, splutter.

Why am I resistant? Why... Because we aren't just interpreting the actions of my mother towards me, here. We are using that in order to understand my actions towards you. Sometimes needs aren't able to be met. I couldn't meet my mothers. You can't meet mine. Tempting, oh so tempting in that situation to rail against 'unfair demands'. But really... Where are the 'unfair demands' coming from? Needs... Needs that can't be met. And to sit there with a grief... Knowing there is nothing that one can do to change it, to help it, to make it better... IS hard.

And yet... That is what I need him to do.

((((my t)))))

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kim_johnson said:
'OF COURSE we can keep up email contact while you are away'.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">What great news! Sounds like you had a good session, kim. Since you are going away for so long, I hope these last sessions can all be good so those memories can tide your through.

[kim_johnson]

Yeah... He has been saying that for a while... (Squirm). But then... I'm not sure whether that will happen or not... I'm concerned that he has in mind that I'll send him a 'how are you I'm fine' once a month kind of idea of email in mind...

I mentioned today that a lot of therapists bill phone sessions as they bill in person sessions and he lamented that medicare wouldn't let him. I asked him whether they explicitly excluded email 'sessions' and he picked up a little... Internet laws being behind others etc etc etc. Anyway... We shall see, I guess.

[(JD)]

(((kim))) please don't worry about your T, his self care is his responsibility and it will inhibit your healing if you worry. I'm sorry medicare won't allow phone sessions. If you see another T, then he won't be able to email you, as it just isn't good for you to have two (possibly conflicting) directions for therapy. I hope you do find someone to fill in the gap for now, ok? TC

[kim_johnson]

thanks sky. i think... one thing that has come up for me in the past is that therapists have burned out. i guess... there is something of a pattern there. one of the things i learned in DBT was 'how to look after people' including... therapists. to prevent burnout and stuff. i guess it has broader people skill applications as well.

(this is a hard thing to talk about because i know that some people have the opposite issue of worrying too much about their therapists and stuff. but i do think... that not looking after therapists has been an issue for me. so... i'm not going to obsess over it... but i think that it is something i do need to be sensitive to).

it is hard, though. appropriate balance as in all else, i guess...

yeah... i get that it is unethical for a therapist to see another therapists client. 'tis a bummer about medicare... but then i guess there would have been international calling rates on top of that... maybe they will fund email 'sessions' or maybe they won't...

i think i might try and find a therapist where i'm going but i won't be all that surprised if i don't find one in the time i'm there. and... for the first time in my life... i'm not feeling panicky about that.

:-)

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kim_johnson said:
i get that it is unethical for a therapist to see another therapists client

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Kim, do you really think it is unethical for two Ts to provide therapy to the same client as long as they both know about the other T? And coordinate care, if need be? I would classify it more as perhaps counterproductive rather than unethical. If you think it is unethical, what ethical principle is being violated? I'm curious. (I'm teaching some bioethics today so this is on my mind!) Maybe "do no harm" as conceivably it might harm the client to have 2 therapists (they might be at cross purposes)?

I have a therapist and a PNP. Sometimes I talk about issues with the PNP that might veer into therapy topic territory. It doesn't seem unethical to me. And I find I can raise different issues with her than I can with T. I guess she really isn't providing me therapy, though, but advice on questions that I ask her.

To avoid the international calling charges with your T, can you use Skype? (I seem to remember you saying before that he's not very techy, so don't know if he'd be able to handle this, but maybe you could give him instructions and you would be the one to Skype into him.)

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Kim,

I don't recall how long you will be away but I agree that the contact while you are gone definitely needs definition. This is important for you as well as for T. I agree that having two different T's continuously isn't a good thing. BUT, if you find a new T and call your T once in a while to update him on how you are doing, I don't see any harm in that.

I doubt that medicare will reimburse for e-mail. I have a friend who is a T and she can't even submit stuff electronically for privacy purposes.