[Mouse_]

I've been having this question going over and over in my mind...I wanted to ask T if she were to see me in the street compared to a complete stranger, would she say hi? I then asked myself what would T say to that question? Perhaps she would say, "what would my saying hi to you and not to a stranger mean to you?" because of course I know T never gets drawn into sentimentilisim, and I knew what I was trying to work out was, could someone else be the bottom of the pile rather than me? but then I realised T doesn't like people in any particular order, there doesnt have to be a bottom of a pile because there isn't a favourite, but growing up I always felt like that, bottom of the pile and have tried to ever since become a favorite to someone, anyone....its hard to understand that to be genuine to everyone in your life is much better then being someones favorite because you could always full from grace when favorites and not so favorites are concerned..that to be genuine toward someone doesn't mean one thing or the other, it just is...still part of me still thinks but I'm loosing something that way...its going to take a long while to realise that who I am and how I am doesn't depend on someone elses appraisal of me....

[sabby]

Wow.....that's some really great thinking there Mouse! I would have to agree with you for sure. I'm wondering if you feel the need to be a favorite person to someone......can you consider yourself at some point as your favorite person?


sabby

[darkrunner]

I can relate to so much of what you write. I often wonder if my T even likes me....or if it is the worst part of his week when he has to see me. Sometimes I try to guess from the things he says if he likes me or not, or if I am his favorite....although I would never have the guts to ask him.

My T has told me that sometimes he feels like he has a double life because he often sees clients in public (he's never seen me), and although he says 'hi' to them there isn't much conversation beyond that. And if he is with his family he can't really introduce them or anything. I guess that must be weird.....

[Mouse_]

Sabby, I'm trying and making inroads towards being my favorite, but its still rather fragile and comes unstuck at times.

[Kiya]

yeah i can relate too, mouse. i have spent a lot of time in my life trying (and a lot of times as a kid) succeeding in being people's favorite - tho none in my family who i was often trying to escape. I relate to Garfield's sitting on the neighbor's portch with a baby bonnet on and a sign that says "Adopt me" (all for the love of lasagnia).
But I too have seen that when I am someone's favorite, i can't be me. I did manage to be one t's favorite (3 t's ago) and I was so very proud. But I had to stop working with her because she wanted me to work on body stuff and i knew that if I did that, i would be gross and disgusting. I couldn't be t's favorite and be gross at the same time.
Now i am not trying to be my current t's favorite and i am so much more free to talk about things and just be an average person with "issues".
Those are really good awarenesses, mouse!!!!
kiya

[sabby]

(((((((((((((( Mouse ))))))))))))) good for you hon...I know it's not an easy thing to do.....changing how we think and feel about ourselves takes a lot of work. I guess finding patience with ourselves is another thing that doesn't always come easily either. As long as we continue to strive, continue to learn, continue to apply what we learn....then it's all good and things will fall into place as we go.

Be well Mouse


sabby