why T doesn't answer my emails

There have been several times I have emailed T and he hasn't responded. A couple of times this caused me much angst. I felt ignored, rejected, etc. There has been only one time I shared anything substantive in an email, and this was one he did not respond to. I felt this was his way of telling me not to share stuff in an email, to just keep it brief and to logistics ("I need to reschedule"). However, on the whole, T does answer my emails quickly and sometimes will email me several times in one day. These are usually brief and to the point and he responds quickly and cutely (he loves to use smileys).

Tonight in session, I discovered why T sometimes ignores my emails. Drum roll.... It is because he hasn't read them. We were on his computer together looking at stuff today (sitting side by side on his couch), and he asked me something we had discussed last session. I said I emailed you about that, like I said I would. (I had emailed him some information and he had not responded.) He said he never got that email. So he asked what day I sent it, I told him, and he looked back in his mail and found it. He said he just realized he may be missing a lot of emails. When he goes home for the night, he checks his email one last time, then when he comes in the morning, he starts with emails that say "today" and doesn't check among "yesterday" emails for ones that came during the night. So he never gets nighttime emails. He said this explains a lot. I said well don't the emails change color after you've read them so you can see at a glance if you've opened them or not? No, they don't. He showed me his email box and his system is set up so it has a dot by the email if it is unread and once he opens it, the dot disappears. I pointed this out to him and he had never noticed this before. I showed him all the emails he had that he hadn't read yet that still had dots by them. You can imagine T is doing this: . OK, my T is not a real techie guy, that's for sure.

I feel so much better now to know I haven't been ignored. My T is very transparent, and if I had been thinking clearly and not feeling so rejected and like I was being taught a lesson, I would have realized this is not his style at all to ignore me and hope that communicates some sort of intent. He is much more direct than that. What was I thinking? And we never got this straight before because whenever he would "ignore" an email, I would not mention it to him in the next session, because I felt his ignoring my message told me all I needed to know.

When am I ever going to learn?

WOW! What an eye opener that is! Gads. It's a good thing you were able to show him how to tell the difference now!!! *shakes head*.
Heh - this reminds me, i asked t last time what she thought about all the info i had emailed her.... her answer was a blank stare. "When did you send it?" all last week. So she is supposed to go back and read them. I will have to remember this and be sure to ASK!!!
=) Kiya

<font color="green">LOL My therapist found several of my emails in her spam folder!!! My home email doesn't connect with my given name in any way shape or form and so she thought it was spam. Now she know it is me and she reads them all.</font>

I'm impressed your T gives out his e-mail address. I don't have my T's e-mail address. Communication is strictly weekly sessions only. Updates or questions via voice mail.

Kiya and Dalila, sounds like we have experienced something similar!

Angel, my T doesn't really do the phone (he has voice mail but often doesn't check it), so I guess they each have their way of communicating. I didn't get my T's email until he took on another professional role for me. When you have to change an appointment or something, playing phone tag can be so inefficient. (I don't use the email for therapy, or to give updates, usually just for logistics, which sometimes can get complicated because of his dual role!)

Great thread... The SPAM folder is a real problem. I have to continually warn my students that if they email me from their yahoo or hotmail accounts they will likely be blocked by our SpamGuardian program. I also have to remind them that ... I don't always know who peaches135 is so they need to put their name in the subject line otherwise I might not even open it.

I think overall I get a LOT of emails during the course of the day and I answer 90% of them. I think most people who email me would prefer a response whether it is explicitly stated or not. I view this as a part of my job, just like teaching class, holding office hours, etc. This doesn't mean that all messages get a 24 hr response time or that the response is alway in the form that they want. Some times a response might be.. 'you need come in and meet with me during my office hours' or 'sorry I can help you with that.'

As for why my T might not answer my emails:
1. I don't explicitly say I want a response. A lot of the times I am just writing to her hold for the next session.
2. I get easily overwhelmed by attention when she provides it during the sessions. Then feel embarrassed that I presented a need/want for attention.
3. I don't think she actually reads them until either right before or during my session.
4. I think she prefers oral (live) communication. I think this is where I also need the most help.
5. She has a high patient load and values her down time.

I agree, I like this thread. I think the hardest thing for me is making myself call my T when I should. I know she has a heavy load and she tells me to call but "I" value her need for personal time. I'm afraid I'll be a burden to her then she won't be there when I do need her. Hence, I drive myself crazy.

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Angel_of_the_Past said:
she tells me to call but "I" value her need for personal time.

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T has convinced me that *I* am not responsible for his needs. He assures me that he will take care of himself, and that he does take care of himself.

If you're like me, you're so used to taking care of the needs of everyone else - even (especially) people in authority, that it's hard to imagine there won't be a big, bad consequence if we don't take care of their needs. It doesn't have to be like that with T.

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Angel_of_the_Past said:
"I" value her need for personal time. I'm afraid I'll be a burden to her then she won't be there when I do need her. Hence, I drive myself crazy.

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Me too the wants (or I should say what I THINK others want) always trumps my wants. I am sooo afraid that I will become a burden or in some way demonstrate that I am a total freak. I envision the repercussions being either get kicked out or my chart getting a RED caution sticker on it.

Good points on communicating fully with your T don't stuff stuff Air it out in the session...and find out that maybe your fears were unfounded. How great a feeling sunrise!

Remember, it's up to the T to do good self care. If what you are doing is going to overwhelm or burden T, it's their responsibility to tell you and help you find another way to work through things. It isn't good for you to worry about your T in this manner (though I know everyone does it a bit at first)... that's part of why it's good to have a licensed psychologist, for then you know their training has included how to keep themselves from burning out.

You work on taking care of you, and the T does too!

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chaotic13 said:
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Angel_of_the_Past said:
"I" value her need for personal time. I'm afraid I'll be a burden to her then she won't be there when I do need her. Hence, I drive myself crazy.

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Me too the wants (or I should say what I THINK others want) always trumps my wants. I am sooo afraid that I will become a burden or in some way demonstrate that I am a total freak. I envision the repercussions being either get kicked out or my chart getting a RED caution sticker on it.

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You've just hit the nail on the head for me!

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Sky_ said:
Air it out in the session...and find out that maybe your fears were unfounded.

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Man, doesn't that sound great. To air it all out and find out that your fears were totally unfounded. Part of me would find great relief in having this discussion. Unless of course... there not. I can't help but think that not all T's are as open an accepting as say... Mouse's T. Of course you will never know unless you have the guts like Mouse to put yourself out there and ... Air it out.

yeah - i am in the "i don't want to be a burden" boat. I like what sunrise and sky said about the t taking care of them selves... and that they will say if the limit has been passed. but i think that would cause even more pain - to have to be told "kiya, you passed the limit." I'd rather just worry about being a burden and try to rope myself in i think. =(

really good thread!!

My T won't give out her email address. She told me that her lawyer said it was a "liability" issue. So instead of email I call her phone and leave a message.

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_Sky said:
Air it out in the session...and find out that maybe your fears were unfounded. How great a feeling sunrise!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yep, I have learned my lesson (at least for a few days). I need to not doubt my T! I imagined all sorts of c**p like he wasn't answering my emails in order to send a message that I shouldn't email him, to teach me a lesson, to extinguish an unwanted behavior.... I know him better than that, why did I think that? He strives for the utmost transparency, why would I attribute a hidden motive to him? Weird! I can trust this man, so do it!

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that's part of why it's good to have a licensed psychologist, for then you know their training has included how to keep themselves from burning out.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Sky, my T is not a licensed psychologist (requires a PhD, right?). My T has a master's in psychology and is a licensed therapist/counselor. Are you saying that only PhD training includes how to take care of themselves?

mine doesn't give email access either, which is probably for the best... i'd end up sending emails and then regretting it. At least in a phone message he can hear my tone to go with the words.

sunrise, that is such a good example of the sort of trust issues that have arisen with my T too.. it actually taught me about what trust actually is. i still run into that wall occasionally... and i always think wait, this is about what i think of me.. and then i realise it's also about what i am trusting him with... it's a tangled web

Sunrise,
In my state the licensing requirement is a masters plus some type of supervised hours. The licensing criteria is different for each state depending on their medical boards are set up. In my profession there are national standards of practice and a national certification exam. Then each state depending on how the state government is set up will have additional requirements and will define the specifically what the scope of practice in that state. For a while I worked in two different states and had to maintain a state license for each.

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I know him better than that, why did I think that?

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I think when I am very sensitive to how people respond to me, if they are telling the truth and being genuine. However, when out of the session I start doubting myself and start thinking I've been fooled or misinterpreted the interaction. My T whether deliberately or accidentally usually leaves me some clear and consistent evidence to help me challenge these doubts outside of the session. I just have to have the presence of mind to review the mental transcripts of the session and look for them. I think this week my transcript is a bit fuzzy and I am having trouble dispelling some of my doubts.