Changing in T.

The last month has been hell. Things that once use to enjoy have ceased to be an enjoyment. I'm snappy and can't concentrate. It feels as if my life is falling apart in front of me. BUT then this morning I sat with myself and realised the lack of finding joy and being snappy is all fear. I am changing INSIDE, its INSIDE things are falling apart, everything I've ever felt or thought is being challenged from the INSIDE, its scary, I don't have my regular me to be with, I feel I suddenly with a stranger that I dont know much about...T wrote in an email the other day that theres a theory that we have to break down to break through. You know out of fear my head says, "if I'd known this would happen I would never have entered therapy, I want me back", but I know I can't just stop now, the process of change has begun...suddenly its all very very real, its not "pretend" stuff anymore. Its not about missing T and wondering if she likes me kinda of stuff now, it feels like a fight for surivial, but I guess all the stuff that went before, the wondering if she likes me, the missing her has all been the build up to trusting her and knowing that with her I can fall apart? except the part thats been negotiating all of this has just been out of my awareness, perhaps its that part that I now need to trust will get me through.

Mouse,
it sounds like you are going through a scary and vulnerable time. Change is scary. You sound like you have a great self-awareness and perception....I'm sure this will transform you into a stronger, healthier person.
Hang in there,
kt

I agree with ktgirl, she couldn't have said it better.
Hugs-Angel

Had this dream last night that I was back in the lobby of the block of flats/proects I use to live in until we bought our home 12yrs ago, the lift/elevator came but when I came out of it I was in these strange corridors with lots and lots of doors all with different symbols painted on them and all containing themes and shames. I just kept walking and walking and the odd themes and shapes just continued. Finally I came across someone I knew, I think it might have been another me :-( ...I don' think I felt as panicky at being lost as I would have done before, infact I felt more in control of myself at times, It was becoming more an irriation then a panic when each door I came too it led me into another set of doors,..It was getting that I wanted to come across someone I didnt' knwo that was perhaps the controller of the doors and I would have vent my anger at their "game"..I think freud would do wonders with this dream LOL

i was going to edit my spelling errors and noticed at the top I'd typed "Themes and shame" instead of "Themes and shapes" LOL now theres a freudian slip LOL!!