blah blah blah

**Icon applied for very brief mention of cutting.

I hold a certain sense of concern, wonder, confusion surrounding how this whole integration process works and how to help myself in the best way I can. The last couple of days have been confusing at best.

In therapy on Thursday I had a bit of trouble connecting. I think on some level I was avoiding him because I am already worried about August vacation. That night I had a weird dream about driving in the snow and being stuck. Then yesterday morning and evening I felt very sort of revved up...with loads of random stuff popping through my exhausted mind. I listened to a relaxation tape that I use and for the first time in 2 years a positive image of my mother came up. She was hugging me in this fantasy. I think this was directly related to something T said in session that simultaneously felt good and reminded me of my mom (an extremely rare occurrence).

This morning I experienced a disappointment with a family member who never seems available to see me in person. I love her and she calls me almost daily but for the past year (or more) I have been trying to arrange a "date" and she always turns me down. The most recent was an attempt to visit her during vacation time and she said no again, that she would be busy with house work and visiting others. This really stings and feels like rejection. I cried after I picked up my messages and heard the latest turn down. You see, a part of me knows that once I am more on my feet it will mean less contact with her altogether. She has been a constant source of strength to me and my family through the past few years with my depression and sons' illnesses. She has supported me financially and emotionally.

After listening to her message, I cried and told DH that I felt rejected. I left a message for T about what happened but I said I didn't need him to call me back. (We have this arrangement where I can leave messages for him to listen to. I take advantage of this fairly frequently. Then I tried to settle into something (anything) but I couldn't, I felt very agitated. I had an intense urge to cut and, in fact, I did.

I thought about T and our relationship, and I decided to take a chance and call again. This time I asked for a half-session on the phone if he had time.

He called back and let me know his availability and a while after we had a phone session.
He said that it seemed as though the disappointment was difficult but real and it sounded like rejection to him too, but that perhaps I had reached the limitations of this relationship. (with her, not him)

I cried because IRL I have very few friends. This was not always true. I told that I felt as though I suck the life out of people, that they reject me because I ask for too much. He wondered if I had a history of asking for too much in relationships. I don't; I told him I had so few adult relationships that are meaningful. He said he wants me to develop friendships. I told him he was very ambitious. He said that it's hard when we are adults to form friendships, but it is important to do so. I told him about the cutting and said it was just a tiny cut and that I decided to call him and make contact instead of continuing. He said that was pretty good! Then he said something blah blah blah about my emerging self and how there was the cutting part, etc., etc.

I asked him how to move forward without denying those parts of myself. He said that I was already doing it by calling him, talking about the feelings of rejection and connecting with H as a means of support. I have no clue what else he said but it sure sounded good at the time!

I told him I was already worried about his vacation and in particular, worried about the potential for rupture afterward and he asked me what I needed. So, I have to think about that because I am not sure. Wow, it's a lot, isn't it?

(((((((((((MissCharlotte))))))))))))))

I'm horrible at analyzing anything, but just wanted to let you know I read. Also, good job on the stopping cutting. (before it got bad)

I'm glad that your T is supportive... but I totally get the whole "blah, blah, blah" thing.... sometimes they need to not talk so much.

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MissCharlotte said:
he asked me what I needed. So, I have to think about that because I am not sure.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is such a powerful question. The power is yours now, to ask for what you need. Look inside and find the answer. (((((MissCharlotte)))))

I am really sorry about the family member who let you down.

(((((((((((((((( Miss C ))))))))))))))))))

In the middle of all of that, to stop cutting and call T and ask for a phone appointment.....that's just awesome. I am so impressed that you did that.

When my T goes on vacation, he always leaves me a voice mail to listen to while he's gone. It's helpful sometimes...but honestly, about halfway through the vacation, the magic of it kind of wears off.

There may be a rupture when he comes back. And then there will be a repair, and that will bring you even closer to T, and help you in your journey of healing.

Be safe.

(( MissC )))

I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed and rejected by your family member. That sounds so painful!

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I have no clue what else he said but it sure sounded good at the time!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I have to smile at this because looking back on my Thursday session, I wish I had just asked T to sit and read me the phone book or something. I didn't care what she said, just wanted to be there and listen to her voice.

How nice that you've had a positive and pleasant memory of your mom hugging you!

The looming vacation month.. I am trying to figure out how to deal with that too.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
That is such a powerful question. The power is yours now, to ask for what you need. Look inside and find the answer. (((((MissCharlotte)))))


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, Sunny in this context it really is. I know others have asked for transitional objects but I'm not quite certain yet what will be the right thing for me. I know that when my campers miss their moms (4 & 5's) I give them crayons and paper to make a picture of her. Maybe I will draw a picture of him and reduce it to wallet size. It seems powerful to have something I create myself.

Echoes,

THAT picture is hilarious!!!!



Yeah, the vacation--how in heaven's name will we survive?

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There may be a rupture when he comes back.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks earthmama. I think the goal here is to avoid the intense ruptures of the past by figuring out what my needs are and trying to see that they are met.

((((((((((MissC))))))))))

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MissCharlotte said:

I told him I was already worried about his vacation and in particular, worried about the potential for rupture afterward and he asked me what I needed. So, I have to think about that because I am not sure. Wow, it's a lot, isn't it?

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And perhaps this is the very thing that will make a difference. Think about how much stronger your relationship is since his last vacation-- and how much it is has sustained. This time you have the awareness of what could potentially happen-- so unlike last time, you are taking the steps to prepare for it. So maybe that is part of what you need-- of course there are transitional objects, phone messages, and all of that good stuff.. but also, maybe what you need is just the processing of how and why this time can be different than last time.

I've been asking myself this week the same question. What do I really need? Unfortunately, the few things that I've come up with are not possible.

(((Miss C)))

Same. End result- decided i have no needs and was better taking care of myself - limited tho that might be.
Mss - wishing you better forturnes.
Tin