[chaotic13]

a touch intensive weekend. Its left me with very mixed feelings. I had done a lot of breathing/relaxation prep work and focused repeatedly on the context in which this experience was being done (professional vs. private encounter) and it paid off. I did not loose it or freak out and draw attention to myself. It was very uncomfortable but not totally intolerable. I even was able to allow myself at times to just accept and experience the touch sensations without being overcome by my mental intrusions. I could only do this in brief intervals before my mind it quickly filled again with mental noise. I also realized that at lot of my problems are linked but only partially to my past. This part I can manage in a work related environment.

I'm happy with myself for not running away and avoiding this situation. Yet I am also feeling really sad. In those few moment when I was able to clear my head, I realized a small fraction of what I've am missing in my private life.

[skeksi]

Good for you for challenging yourself this way! I understand being so stressed by physical contact. It is sad to miss out on things like that. But by taking risks like you did this weekend, you can grow more comfortable with it, perhaps even enjoy it.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Good for you, I think you are a better person than I. I could not have tolerated this.

[chaotic13]

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I think you are a better person than I. I could not have tolerated this.

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I don't think so. I sometimes think by ability to tolerate the intolerable is what gets me into a lot of mental trouble later.

[MissCharlotte]

Chaotic,

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Yet I am also feeling really sad. In those few moment when I was able to clear my head, I realized a small fraction of what I've am missing in my private life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's a powerful statement. Occasionally I get glimpses of how it could have been but then I realize I am here and now!

Nice work, congratulations.

[chaotic13]

Yes and you realize the the here and now that you created sucks. Although we always have the ability to change things, sometimes that affects of those changes would impact the people you love too much. The unattainable wanting that the ego creates really makes life suck sometimes. I guess today I am just sitting in the muck of trying to figure out what is attainable and worth pursuing and what is simply unattainable and needs to be accepted as is.

[Lemon]

congratulations for getting though such an intense experience. I always view myself as having a huge personal space, but then at other times I just crave someone to give me a big bear hug.

Do you mind explaining what a "touch intensive weekend" is?

[chaotic13]

Lemon,
I took a massage therapy course this weekend. I was freaking out about it a few weeks ago. I survived without drawing attention to myself.

[Kiya]

OIC. Yes - I understand - I took a Reiki course and dealt with much the same.

"I sometimes think by ability to tolerate the intolerable is what gets me into a lot of mental trouble later. "

Now I'm not sure if I should say "Good for you for getting through it" or not. That exact thing - tolerating - got me into great trouble just two weeks ago... well, often truth be told. I'm not sure if it falls into the "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" category, or if it only causes more PTSD to be heaped on the ever-growing pile that then allows t to say to me "You're not nearly as functional on the inside as you appear to be on the outside".

Hope you're alright - kiya

[chaotic13]

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"You're not nearly as functional on the inside as you appear to be on the outside".

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Wow, isn't that the truth.

[sunrise]

Congratulations on making it through the course. That's quite a feat considering your fears and past experiences.

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I am also feeling really sad. In those few moment when I was able to clear my head, I realized a small fraction of what I've am missing in my private life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It might be healing if you can allow yourself to grieve this loss. Grieving the past--what could have been--can help us move on to better times ahead.

[Sannah]

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chaotic13 said:
I did not loose it or freak out and draw attention to myself. It was very uncomfortable but not totally intolerable. I even was able to allow myself at times to just accept and experience the touch sensations without being overcome by my mental intrusions. I could only do this in brief intervals before my mind it quickly filled again with mental noise.

I also realized that at lot of my problems are linked but only partially to my past.

I'm happy with myself for not running away and avoiding this situation.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Good Work! This technique is one that I used frequently to get better - to put myself into situations and work myself through them.

When you said that only some of your problems are linked to your past I was wondering if this is what you were talking about: I found that my past affected my development or rather, lack of development, and this was what was affecting my present. So smoothing out the past wasn't enough. I had to find my exact developmental problems and work on those specifically like self-esteem, personal boundaries, empowerment and control over my life, etc.