[missboots]

I been in Therapy for 2-3 years in 91-94 and took a break but still did meds. I went to my Psy DR. last yr and asked for new Meds and he said you don't need new meds you need a Therapist. So I started in Sept last yr seeing a woman T. She usually see's kids(I am 38) but she also deals with special needs kids and my 4yr old son is autistic. Well it's been a yr and she thinks I am holding back on telling her deep childhood stuff. I have nothing to hide I was raised in a cult and have major trauma from that. Anyway's bottom line (I hate me!) I can't tell anyone why but I have this deep dark hate for myself. I tell her that and she say's there is tension between us and I am deeply afraid to tell her my deep secerets. I tell her I don't rember if I was sexually abused but it points to that. Anyways I had been feeling sucidal and she made me make a contract with her that I will be safe. Well then I skipped a week and she called and said she was concerned. I went in and asked her if she was gonna refer me and she said no. BUT ADULTS ARE NOT HER EXPERTISE AND SHE FEELS TENSION. I said if you do refer me I won't go to therapy anymore and she said "I was afraid of that" So I feel like she feels the need to keep me!!!! I feel like I am checking in with a probation officer every week! I just want to feel like she cares truly about me and I don't get that deep gut feeling. I am a must keep case to her. So now I realy won't be honest with her. So I just want to be done! Does anyone ever feel their T has no clue about real life? She went to Harvard! She has a sucessful husband her son is on the football team etc.. I came from the other side of the tracts which she has never crossed! I lost a baby in 06 he lived 2 hours and died and he was so cute lots of hair etc.. I was telling her this and she said that she was helping her parents move and found a photo alblum of her favorite dog that had died and she looked at the pictures and said wow he was so ulgy but had no clue because he was her dog and she loved him. Then she said even if your baby was ulgy you would still think he was cute and you would love him! I thought HOW CAN YOU COMPARE YOUR DOG TO MY BABY!!! I don't know I just am feeling rejected and that she doesn't want to work with me and feels like she has to. So on Wednesday I am going in to say I am done. I know all you people who have these great relationships with your T will say oh go tell her why etc.. I am not it is of no use. I am not gonna give her any power I am done.

[kimmydawn]

Hi there, and welcome. It's good to meet you.

I can't imagine.

Honey, do yourself and her future clients a favor and tell her these things or even show her this post. T's don't always know when they've messed up big and showing them that only helps you and anyone else they might see. Only do that if you feel you can, though.

I can't imagine how you felt when discussing the death of your precious newborn. I'm just so sorry.

Yes, we don't always have good matches with our t's and have to change and this might be one of those times. It doesn't sound like there has ever been a good "mesh"? If I'm off on that, I apologize. I just feel I sense that from your post.

Please don't give up on therapy altogether, though. There are great t's out there...caring t's. T's who will have the patience needed to deal with a survivor of cult abuse. Is there a way that you can "interview" a few, describing your childhood and this past therapy and where it went wrong? From there, and explaining all this, you just might find the perfect match for you.

I wish you more than well, and please keep us updated.

KD

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( missboots )))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so, so, so sorry that your T is such a bad match. I am appalled that she compared the loss of your baby to the loss of her DOG. I don't even know what to say!

I agree with kimmydawn....there are other T's out there, and you absolutely deserve help from a caring, competent professional. I hope that you will give yourself a chance to see someone different. My 8 year old son has autism, and I know that having a kid with autism can be enough in itself to make us need a therapist - even without the past trauma, self-esteem issues, etc!

[Kiya]

Agreed... It took me 4 t's to find this one that is REALLY good for me. It's just like school. You gotta do it - but the teacher makes all the difference. Either try (if you can) to tell this T how she messed up and what you really need... or get a different t. Ask for some more referrals. Find a dr you trust and see if they can refer a t.

((((((((((((missboots)))))))))))) I am so sorry about your baby, and about your t's comment. That just really hurts. Some t's say things that they have no idea of the effect. For example, my former t (one fo them) told me that I was my father's mistress! I can't even describe how mad I was. Needless to say, I am not with that t anymore.

Thinking about you - hope something works out for you!!!!
Kiya

[Simcha]

missboots

That was a lot of condensed and really important information you posted, and I'm glad you did. I think there's lots of people out there who read this forum and have similar issues that they are struggling with.

My first thought is that one of the reasons this therapist doesn't know how to make you feel comfortable is because she is a child therapist, and I would think it's never a good idea for an adult to see a child therapist. I'm sure it was a huge reason that you didn't feel like you could open up with her, and it seems that maybe she doesn't know how to deal with complicated adult issues (hence the insensitive dog comment). She doesn't deal with complicated adult therapy issues because it isn't her specialty. Your son should see his own child therapist, and you should see a therapist who only works with adults.That said, I wouldn't throw in the towel on all therapists due to your experience with this one wasn't a good match. It's obvious to even the therapist herself who said that she felt you needed to see an adult. This therapist should NEVER have taken you on as a patient, and it seems only after the damage was done that the therapists seems to realize that she made an error in taking in an adult with complicated adult issues. I hope she never does that again. I wouldn't go to a pediatrician if I had a health problem; the same concept applies here.

I would also like to challenge your erroneous belief that because your therapist went to Harvard she is a good therapist. This sort of thinking simultaneously implies that because therapy wasn't working, it must be YOUR FAULT; since that's obviously not the case based on what I said above, and also on the fact that therapists from universities across the nation and abroad successfully treat patients with the same type of traumas you have, we know that the school label has nothing to do with it.

Most therapists in the world never went to Harvard, and there are some pretty top notch therapists out there without an Ivy League education. In fact, I think the Princeton Review said that the University of Iowa was rated one of the highest doctorate degree programs (if not the highest) in the US. Likewise, I have no idea why you thought that your therapist's child being a football player and her husband being "successful" in some way has anything to do with how well she conducts therapy. You aren't seeing her football player son or her allegedly successful husband for therapy, so even if they are good at what they do it has no bearing on your therapists ability.

If it was me, I would probably go to the next session as planned, and tell the therapist what you told us here. She needs to here this so that she can learn what she did wrong so that she doesn't do it to anyone else in the future. I also think that after that session that you never return to her again, and you should start making a list of what therapists are available in your area and start gathering referrals from people you trust. I learned about my therapist because two of my friends had seen my therapist for similar issues, and they both had success with him. If you don't have a friend who can give you a good referral, I would then ask your primary care doctor or psychiatrist. The other option is to go to the
American Psychological Association state resource page here, choose your state, and look up the psychologists listed. I would also look up their licenses for any disciplinary info.

I really hope you don't give up trying to help yourself overcome your trauma. I've gone to a different therapist before my current one that didn't work out, so I left her and found a different one. I think you just need the right person too. Come back and let us know.

[thelostone]

(((((missboots)))))

you definitly need to see a new therapist. if she can't refer you then call your pdoc. this woman may be a fantastic child therapist, but she obviously has no clue how to help an adult with adult problems. and i am so very sorry about your baby, and her reaction to your experience.

Simcha, i think what she was saying in regards to harvard and the successful hubby is that this therapist has never experienced a lot of the "real world" problems, problems with children, money etc. that many of us struggle with. it is hard to understand what it is to have an autistic child if your child is a football star, or understand the feeling of not knowing where you are going to come up with grocery money if you have never been there. jmho

lost

[Simcha]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

Simcha, i think what she was saying in regards to harvard and the successful hubby is that this therapist has never experienced a lot of the "real world" problems, problems with children, money etc. that many of us struggle with. it is hard to understand what it is to have an autistic child if your child is a football star, or understand the feeling of not knowing where you are going to come up with grocery money if you have never been there. jmho

lost

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Most people do not lead identical lives, but are perfectly capable of having and expressing empathy for other people who have been in hard times in their life. An adult therapist with empathy/understanding, and the skillset to be able help her overcome her difficulties is what is required. Whether a therapist comes from "same side of the tracks" or not isn't really an issue if the therapist is has the right skills and empathy (I'd say empathy is a skill too).

Here we are looking at a child therapist who shouldn't be treating adults, who isn't connecting with their adult patient (perhaps also a personality mismatch), and doesn't seem to be able to understand where the patient is coming from. If the therapist can't empathize and understand that the difference between losing a dog and losing a child are two completely different things, then I'd say there's not much help to be found there.